I tried to be all riled up today but I just couldn't. Usually I write whilst all riled up. It is my muse.
Today I am going to write from a neutral or maybe even philanthropic standpoint.
Hang on tight.
A teacher friend of mine said something that I have heard so many times in the christian circles of my life. The statement was presented without malice. Actually, it was a call to the deep inner places of the heart. He called for goodness. He called for selflessness. He called out for us to honor our Maker.
And all his words hurt my soul.
The statement-(in thought and meaning, not directly quoted)
"I hope that in hearing this you hear my goal. That I would go through my days in such a way that you would see and hear my Father and not me."
I wondered at this thought. And for a moment, at all the thoughts I had encountered and embraced along these lines.
More of you and less of me.
How many times do we say it? How many times do we wish it with all of our good christian hearts?
Sincerely we plead, "Let them see only You, Lord. Remove me from this. Let only Your words be heard. Show me how to move and speak in such a way that the world does not see me, but only You."
We have been taught quite scripturally (John 3:30) that we are to be less to His more.
That the world should be seeing Jesus. Only Jesus.
And I am here to say...I disagree.
First of all, think about it for a minute...
what parent pats their child on the head and sends them off for their day and thinks..."wow. great kid. I hope nobody looks at her today. Or if they do, I hope that all they see is me."
what parent reads their child's beautiful dissertation and expects to be footnoted..."all thoughts and references mentioned in the above text are to be exclusively attributed to my Father."
what parent says to their child, "only use my words today honey. all your words are meaningless."
and what parent expects their child to love while saying (or feeling) , "you know, this is my Father loving you. Without Him I would not be able to pull it off."
[I have no neutral position on that last statement so I won't dwell on it.]
I do not believe that our Father expects us to disappear within His glory. I believe that He created us unique and worthy to be and do all of life as ourselves.
And I think that is part of His Glory.
I understand the sentiment. God of the Universe. He has good things to say! His actions are pretty spectacular and He never makes mistakes. More of Him. Really worthy goal.
I am not necessarily advocating a life of "look at me!" That's baby talk really. Immaturity.
We have been trained to see it as arrogance. A need for attention. Not very christian.
At the very least, not very grown up.
And that has become our worshipped goal. To grow up. Be mature. Lose the need to be seen.
So I just want to put this to you...
What did Jesus mean when He said...and I quote...
Matthew 18: 2-3
He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
No, really.
Maybe He likes our immature, humiliating, look-at-me, selves.
What if our cries...at the very core...are "can you see me?"
We are told from day one in our christian walk to put ourselves aside. we are told that we are unworthy and screwed up and mess makers. we are told that taking on Jesus is the way to be worthy because only He is worthy.
That is the nugget of truth within the lie...He is the worthy one if we are comparing.
But that is not the topic or issue here.
All He did, He did to reveal our worth. Worth.
He sees you. He sees me. He wants me to see you...as I see myself.
Created. Unique. With a voice and actions that are my own. I am not Jesus. I am not God.
Why would I expect to be seen as such?
If He took the time to make me as I am (yes, yes and that is ever changing and growing more like Him because He is cool)
if He took the time to make me...me, maybe my Father expects me to act like me. Not 'just' Jesus.
This joke has impacted me since childhood.
There is this preacher who gives an impassioned sermon one Sunday. He felt very inspired and sure that He had delivered the very words of God.
After the service he stands at the back and shakes hands with the congregation.
One little lady says "Brother, those were good words your preached today."
The preacher points to heaven and lowers his eyes and says, "The words of God, Sister, the words of God."
And she pats him on the hand and says, "well, they weren't THAT good."
It is ok to be who we were created to be. We will most assuredly mess up sometimes. He gets that.
And I don't think it scares Him.
I have a need to be seen. To be known. To be understood. After all that is said and done I have a need to be loved because I am me.
I still want to be like Jesus. It is a worth-while goal.
But if I put my entire existence into losing myself to gain His glory then maybe I shortchange Him.
Just something I want you to think about. I'm thinking about it.
Showing posts with label serious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label serious. Show all posts
3.06.2014
3.30.2013
Peace out.
I think I might throw up before this is all said and done.
You know that sweaty hands, shakey in the mid-section, air too thin to breathe place...that's me.
I feel this way because I am about to tell you what I really think.
And I am going to try to do it without any snark.
I might hurt myself.
I have been so distressed by so many things in life lately. Most of the distress comes from facebook. that seems shallow but it is what it is. Facebook is my connection to the outside world. If I get off of facebook I have my sweet little family. They do not distress me.
I orchestrate my life to be as stress free as possible. I do not watch the news. I do not have tv. I do not follow the trending links on my computer. I live in a quiet little neighborhood where I know all my neighbors by name. the clerks in the stores know my name because I have a set routine and I almost never wander from it. I am a creature of habit and I crave peace.
I do not live in such a way that you would think that I was anything other than the most mousey, complacent, Jesus loving, mini-van driving, homeschooling mommy. I wear long skirts and birkenstocks, people.. I have no tattoos.
My cuss words up until a few months ago consisted of crap, and gosh.
(I am learning to use the word ass...as in big ass...dumb ass...asinine...)
You think I am being snarky but I am dead on serious.
this is my outside. My insides bubble a little hotter.
Inside, I am a stick it to the man, go against the status quo, rage against the storm, hippy.
If society welcomes it then I will most assuredly suspect it as a matter of principle.
I am cynical.
I am short tempered toward anyone or anything that displays a sheep mentality.
I am arrogant and prejudiced against individuals who refuse to think for themselves.
I judge.
but I probably won't show you these things unless you walk closely enough with me to see that I raise my right eyebrow a tiny bit and my pupils blow out when I get angry.
(my husband told me this...I thought I had it hidden)
I would probably tell you that in general I don't like people. As in plural. People. Groups. But I do like people. Persons. Individuals. There is this thing in my heart that loves to hear a person with their story. It affects me. they affect me. So much so that my heart will melt and I can slide into a depression over their pain. I actually have to guard my heart against this.
Unless... unless that person and their pain is treading on someone else. then I tend to go with the underdog. If i find that you are messing with someone and being mean,
well I will think about sticking my foot so far up your a......you get my drift.
So this distress on Facebook...it comes from my friends. I have spent my life in the circles of conservative, evangelical, American, chirstians. my friends...yes, they are mostly church going, bible thumping, Jesus defending pains in the... neck.
(you can see why I am learning to use the word ass...just so many applications)
Again..no snark intended.
My friends have been very vocal about the issue of gay marriage. they have made no bones about speaking for God and making sure that everyone knows how He feels about those gays getting married. I don't mind them having their opinions. Truly. It is actually quite safe for that christian group to call out the sin of that gay group. I don't really like groups anyway so have at it. Even if it bothered me a little bit I could just not think about it too much and let it pass on by.
But then something began to nag at my heart.
As people started talking more about this issue, especially about the similar issue and decision to let gay members into the boy scout organization it started to come closer and closer to home.
My home.
My children running around as my mom friends talked about this horrible ungodly state of society.
My children listening with their super power hearing as the words and feelings flung hate and intolerance around the playroom.
My children assuming that I felt like that too because I didn't say anything.
It began to nag my heart that I was teaching by example and the example I was setting was one of tolerance for injustice.
If I am going to teach tolerance...it ain't gonna be centered around keeping my peace while people get trampled in the self-righteous dust from the journeys of a thousand ignorant proof-texters.
Nothing in that sentence was loving. Or tolerant.
I honestly feel that if you think that you have a right to keep the gay community in its place by labeling them with very biblical names like sinner and fornicator you might as well take up using the word nigger.
Take that any direction you want.
I started looking at my children and wondering what would change for me if one of them grew up and told me he was gay. What would happen to my heart if one of my precious children came to me in fear and loathing because he was terrified to tell me about something he had been burdened with since he was big enough to realize that he did not fit in with his brothers. What if my words and actions laid down a foundation of hate that kept my child, the love of my life, in a place of anguish because he knew that my principles could not allow us to fellowship in heart even tho I said "I love you" every day.
I think that I decided right then to change my behavior. I decided to stop looking at this group, and start looking at individuals. when I did that my heart began to break.
I realized that not speaking but letting the vocal majority have their say was the same, in the hearts of my children, as my agreement.
As a grownup I know that silence is not always consent...but to a kid...it is the same.
I realized that my silence was actually telling my children, that finger pointing christian position is ok. It is right. I agree.
Sometimes, you need to speak up.
I have friends that are gay. to my knowledge none of them are wanting to get married. but I guarantee you that their christian walk will get easier the minute christianity as a whole (or enough individuals that love completely) can look at them with the same respect they give that elder who recently "confessed" his porn addiction.
And this is a big stupid ass-umption on my part because I just lumped them in with all the detestable sexually impure...and that is really really offensive to many of my friends. I am sorry for that.
My point is respect. Looking at people and seeing their worth. Not their sin...real or perceived.
christians have genuine fear about opening a pandora's box if we let gay people get married. I think that if you want to go with that fear you need to accept that we started that release of mischief the moment we condoned interracial marriage. I am sure there were very sincere individuals that thought such things would surely lead to the degradation of the nation. We do have a black president now. One thing leads to another. I am positive that giving equal rights led to the position we are in today.
I see how this makes people feel very very afraid.
If we give equality to the gay people we are in fact starting down a road where more and more things will be accepted as a normal part of life.
Yes, that is called social evolution. We progress. We move on. Not all the next things are positive, but we can and should deal with those as they come up instead of crying like a bunch of babies about the sharks in the water...there are bridges...and boats to be had for this crossing.
I have heard arguements about how this could lead to child endangerment. Sex with animals. Polygamy. Muslem domination.
Like that isn't happening already??
I think I have talked ad nauseum about if this is sin or not. My stance...it. just. doesnt. matter. It doesnt matter what I think about it. I need to see my married gay neighbors as neighbors. I need to see them as persons to be respected.
I might need to face my upbringing and tell it simmer down.
what is the alternative? Get as christian uppity as you want...the reality is that the gay lifestyle will be soon be accepted as a "normal" part of American society. You can either avert your eyes and cover your innocent children as you mumble things about detestable to God or you can learn to look in love at two people showing affection.
Stone me now.
I am not talking about anything perverse. Just a kiss...or a hug...you don't have to see that as disgusting no matter how you feel about what is happening in the privacy of their home.
Feel free to teach your children right and wrong as you see it. But you cannot continue to go through life trying not to throw up around people who do things you disagree with.
Let me try and come at this from a different direction. A very personal direction.
I have women in my life that live together as roommates. they are heterosexual. Not gay. they love each other immensely. Sisters. Sometimes people think they are gay.
There is no sex going on!
do I want society, and the church, to look down on my friends because they think they are gay?
Actually, society probably accepts them without much question except to wish they would just come out already.
they are not gay.
there are probably those in the church that pray for them in their gayness.
Now, for this next part, let's pretend that my friends are gay.
Let's take these two friends who have lived together for longer than many of my heterosexual friends have been married...lets say that one of them gets sick...the other one wants to be able to know about her friends condition but she cannot because she is not the "spouse".
Or, one friend wants to give a large sum of money to the other. the other one will be heavily taxed on this gift...but not if they are married.
Just a stupid thought...I think that legally you should be able to declare anyone as your "significant other" to recieve all the benefits of a spouse.
If you even begin to whine about commitments and mocking the marriage system I will most certainly shove the divorce statistics right up your a....
As far as these women getting respect from the christian community, I don't know why they would even care any more. But let's say they do care deeply. they love Jesus. they do not think that their committed relationship is wrong in His eyes. they want to live in peace. together. and in their community.
I think that the church has every right to judge them and hold them accountable to every word of the bible.
As soon as the preacher looses 50lbs. And the nursery ladies stop gossiping. And the home groups stop hosting margarita night. And the deacons stop lying about when that church picnic will be rescheduled. And has anyone see our headscarves...cuz really.
Ok..that might have been snarky.
Until everyone in the church is ready to get real with their schniggt there should be no more telling each other what God wants.
Unless, you can do it in love. On an individual basis. when they ask if you would speak into their lives.
Otherwise...shut it.
I am afraid of 1 Corinthians. Paul talks about turning people over to satan. That scares me.
but you know what...I think that maybe Paul was full of it.
Snark that is.
I think that he was very very very tired of listing out the sins. I think he talks to these folks like a frustrated father and says..."I already told you this, why can't you deal with it?"
He talks about sexual immorality. And he lists it with a lot of other things. And he says the mysterious thing...he tells them to turn that stinky sinner over to the devil and let God judge him.
Seems harsh. Again...I suspect he was being a little snarky in his sincerity. that poor sinner was better off being put out than living within the bounds of the church and their righteous judgement.
I KNOW that is going to rile you and I am ok with that.
All I am saying is that we don't understand. And until we do, we might want to be a little more quiet.
I know I have not begun to cover all the points in this issue. I really just wanted to talk about a few that get me riled up. I hope that you see that I am giant enormous bag of wind. I don't have it all figured out.
I just want you to think about some things with me. Don't follow me cuz I am so cool.
No more herd mentality.
Just allow my questions to spark some of your own.
I can only hope that I have NOT somehow managed to offend everyone on the planet.
Peace on you.
You know that sweaty hands, shakey in the mid-section, air too thin to breathe place...that's me.
I feel this way because I am about to tell you what I really think.
And I am going to try to do it without any snark.
I might hurt myself.
I have been so distressed by so many things in life lately. Most of the distress comes from facebook. that seems shallow but it is what it is. Facebook is my connection to the outside world. If I get off of facebook I have my sweet little family. They do not distress me.
I orchestrate my life to be as stress free as possible. I do not watch the news. I do not have tv. I do not follow the trending links on my computer. I live in a quiet little neighborhood where I know all my neighbors by name. the clerks in the stores know my name because I have a set routine and I almost never wander from it. I am a creature of habit and I crave peace.
I do not live in such a way that you would think that I was anything other than the most mousey, complacent, Jesus loving, mini-van driving, homeschooling mommy. I wear long skirts and birkenstocks, people.. I have no tattoos.
My cuss words up until a few months ago consisted of crap, and gosh.
(I am learning to use the word ass...as in big ass...dumb ass...asinine...)
You think I am being snarky but I am dead on serious.
this is my outside. My insides bubble a little hotter.
Inside, I am a stick it to the man, go against the status quo, rage against the storm, hippy.
If society welcomes it then I will most assuredly suspect it as a matter of principle.
I am cynical.
I am short tempered toward anyone or anything that displays a sheep mentality.
I am arrogant and prejudiced against individuals who refuse to think for themselves.
I judge.
but I probably won't show you these things unless you walk closely enough with me to see that I raise my right eyebrow a tiny bit and my pupils blow out when I get angry.
(my husband told me this...I thought I had it hidden)
I would probably tell you that in general I don't like people. As in plural. People. Groups. But I do like people. Persons. Individuals. There is this thing in my heart that loves to hear a person with their story. It affects me. they affect me. So much so that my heart will melt and I can slide into a depression over their pain. I actually have to guard my heart against this.
Unless... unless that person and their pain is treading on someone else. then I tend to go with the underdog. If i find that you are messing with someone and being mean,
well I will think about sticking my foot so far up your a......you get my drift.
So this distress on Facebook...it comes from my friends. I have spent my life in the circles of conservative, evangelical, American, chirstians. my friends...yes, they are mostly church going, bible thumping, Jesus defending pains in the... neck.
(you can see why I am learning to use the word ass...just so many applications)
Again..no snark intended.
My friends have been very vocal about the issue of gay marriage. they have made no bones about speaking for God and making sure that everyone knows how He feels about those gays getting married. I don't mind them having their opinions. Truly. It is actually quite safe for that christian group to call out the sin of that gay group. I don't really like groups anyway so have at it. Even if it bothered me a little bit I could just not think about it too much and let it pass on by.
But then something began to nag at my heart.
As people started talking more about this issue, especially about the similar issue and decision to let gay members into the boy scout organization it started to come closer and closer to home.
My home.
My children running around as my mom friends talked about this horrible ungodly state of society.
My children listening with their super power hearing as the words and feelings flung hate and intolerance around the playroom.
My children assuming that I felt like that too because I didn't say anything.
It began to nag my heart that I was teaching by example and the example I was setting was one of tolerance for injustice.
If I am going to teach tolerance...it ain't gonna be centered around keeping my peace while people get trampled in the self-righteous dust from the journeys of a thousand ignorant proof-texters.
Nothing in that sentence was loving. Or tolerant.
I honestly feel that if you think that you have a right to keep the gay community in its place by labeling them with very biblical names like sinner and fornicator you might as well take up using the word nigger.
Take that any direction you want.
I started looking at my children and wondering what would change for me if one of them grew up and told me he was gay. What would happen to my heart if one of my precious children came to me in fear and loathing because he was terrified to tell me about something he had been burdened with since he was big enough to realize that he did not fit in with his brothers. What if my words and actions laid down a foundation of hate that kept my child, the love of my life, in a place of anguish because he knew that my principles could not allow us to fellowship in heart even tho I said "I love you" every day.
I think that I decided right then to change my behavior. I decided to stop looking at this group, and start looking at individuals. when I did that my heart began to break.
I realized that not speaking but letting the vocal majority have their say was the same, in the hearts of my children, as my agreement.
As a grownup I know that silence is not always consent...but to a kid...it is the same.
I realized that my silence was actually telling my children, that finger pointing christian position is ok. It is right. I agree.
Sometimes, you need to speak up.
I have friends that are gay. to my knowledge none of them are wanting to get married. but I guarantee you that their christian walk will get easier the minute christianity as a whole (or enough individuals that love completely) can look at them with the same respect they give that elder who recently "confessed" his porn addiction.
And this is a big stupid ass-umption on my part because I just lumped them in with all the detestable sexually impure...and that is really really offensive to many of my friends. I am sorry for that.
My point is respect. Looking at people and seeing their worth. Not their sin...real or perceived.
christians have genuine fear about opening a pandora's box if we let gay people get married. I think that if you want to go with that fear you need to accept that we started that release of mischief the moment we condoned interracial marriage. I am sure there were very sincere individuals that thought such things would surely lead to the degradation of the nation. We do have a black president now. One thing leads to another. I am positive that giving equal rights led to the position we are in today.
I see how this makes people feel very very afraid.
If we give equality to the gay people we are in fact starting down a road where more and more things will be accepted as a normal part of life.
Yes, that is called social evolution. We progress. We move on. Not all the next things are positive, but we can and should deal with those as they come up instead of crying like a bunch of babies about the sharks in the water...there are bridges...and boats to be had for this crossing.
I have heard arguements about how this could lead to child endangerment. Sex with animals. Polygamy. Muslem domination.
Like that isn't happening already??
I think I have talked ad nauseum about if this is sin or not. My stance...it. just. doesnt. matter. It doesnt matter what I think about it. I need to see my married gay neighbors as neighbors. I need to see them as persons to be respected.
I might need to face my upbringing and tell it simmer down.
what is the alternative? Get as christian uppity as you want...the reality is that the gay lifestyle will be soon be accepted as a "normal" part of American society. You can either avert your eyes and cover your innocent children as you mumble things about detestable to God or you can learn to look in love at two people showing affection.
Stone me now.
I am not talking about anything perverse. Just a kiss...or a hug...you don't have to see that as disgusting no matter how you feel about what is happening in the privacy of their home.
Feel free to teach your children right and wrong as you see it. But you cannot continue to go through life trying not to throw up around people who do things you disagree with.
Let me try and come at this from a different direction. A very personal direction.
I have women in my life that live together as roommates. they are heterosexual. Not gay. they love each other immensely. Sisters. Sometimes people think they are gay.
There is no sex going on!
do I want society, and the church, to look down on my friends because they think they are gay?
Actually, society probably accepts them without much question except to wish they would just come out already.
they are not gay.
there are probably those in the church that pray for them in their gayness.
Now, for this next part, let's pretend that my friends are gay.
Let's take these two friends who have lived together for longer than many of my heterosexual friends have been married...lets say that one of them gets sick...the other one wants to be able to know about her friends condition but she cannot because she is not the "spouse".
Or, one friend wants to give a large sum of money to the other. the other one will be heavily taxed on this gift...but not if they are married.
Just a stupid thought...I think that legally you should be able to declare anyone as your "significant other" to recieve all the benefits of a spouse.
If you even begin to whine about commitments and mocking the marriage system I will most certainly shove the divorce statistics right up your a....
As far as these women getting respect from the christian community, I don't know why they would even care any more. But let's say they do care deeply. they love Jesus. they do not think that their committed relationship is wrong in His eyes. they want to live in peace. together. and in their community.
I think that the church has every right to judge them and hold them accountable to every word of the bible.
As soon as the preacher looses 50lbs. And the nursery ladies stop gossiping. And the home groups stop hosting margarita night. And the deacons stop lying about when that church picnic will be rescheduled. And has anyone see our headscarves...cuz really.
Ok..that might have been snarky.
Until everyone in the church is ready to get real with their schniggt there should be no more telling each other what God wants.
Unless, you can do it in love. On an individual basis. when they ask if you would speak into their lives.
Otherwise...shut it.
I am afraid of 1 Corinthians. Paul talks about turning people over to satan. That scares me.
but you know what...I think that maybe Paul was full of it.
Snark that is.
I think that he was very very very tired of listing out the sins. I think he talks to these folks like a frustrated father and says..."I already told you this, why can't you deal with it?"
He talks about sexual immorality. And he lists it with a lot of other things. And he says the mysterious thing...he tells them to turn that stinky sinner over to the devil and let God judge him.
Seems harsh. Again...I suspect he was being a little snarky in his sincerity. that poor sinner was better off being put out than living within the bounds of the church and their righteous judgement.
I KNOW that is going to rile you and I am ok with that.
All I am saying is that we don't understand. And until we do, we might want to be a little more quiet.
I know I have not begun to cover all the points in this issue. I really just wanted to talk about a few that get me riled up. I hope that you see that I am giant enormous bag of wind. I don't have it all figured out.
I just want you to think about some things with me. Don't follow me cuz I am so cool.
No more herd mentality.
Just allow my questions to spark some of your own.
I can only hope that I have NOT somehow managed to offend everyone on the planet.
Peace on you.
3.27.2013
I love you. Period.
I think it should be enough to say "I love you", without having to add "but I don't approve of what you do".
I am continually amazed that the christian mentality seems to equate love with either pity or perfection. think about it...
You pity that person in sin. On a good day you love them in spite of it.
On a perfect day you love them out of it.
I think that Jesus loves them in it.
Now let's take it closer to home. Jesus doesn't just love them in it...He loves me in it.
We won't take time right now to discuss saint/sinner/redeemed. Let it be enough for this discussion to say that I do still sin. Therefore, I am a sinner. Redeemed, yes. But that is not my point right this minute.
Jesus loves me in my sin.
His love does not wait for me to change. He looks at me smack where I am and accepts me there.
In sin.
Without ever covering me up with how much of a screw up I am or how much he disapproves of me.
He doesn't talk to me that way. The scriptures that I have been taught to cherish don't read that way anymore....but they used to.
What changed?
I was raised to revere the bible as the Holy Scripture...the Holy Word of God...the only way that God spoke. All I needed for living was in that book. And believe me, it was full of rules and regulations about life. The life instruction book. That is how christians see it. ok that is fine.
Trouble is, in my experience, once you have a written set of rules/instructions you tend to get busy telling other people how to go about things. You figure that you have the authority to go messin in other people's lives. You poke your nose in. In their best interest of course.
In love.
Problem with that is that it is none of your business. It is God's business.
At some point, and Glory to God Hallelujah! I realized that it is not my job to change people. Not my job even when I love them dearly and want them to change. Not my job when they are bugging the crap out of me with their incessant sinning. Not my job when I am super right and they are dead wrong.
I can't think of a place where He told me to take the written word and go make sure that everyone is following it.
Let's look at this another way. If you put aside the written scripture for a minute what do you have left? Could you exist without it?
Do you trust the Holy Spirit of God enough to instruct you if you had no access to the written word?
We do it every day you know. We who have been raised in the church, who know those scriptures by heart, we walk without it all the time. We misquote it, manipulate it to fit our personal preference, disregard entire sections... How do we survive?
Well, mostly we walk around with our heads hung low as we wallow in muck and feel the disapproval of God. Just a bunch of screw ups. Unworthy.
The scripture we know has been drilled into us and set around us as a barbed wire fence. Stay inside.
Death beyond these lines. Here be monsters.
We walk afraid.
Our security feels sketchy at best because we continually look for breaks in the fence. Even in the moments that we feel secure we terrorize others with messages of death.
Don't do that or you will die! Be afraid!
Yet in the scriptures that we have been taught to revere, we see the messages about freedom, and easy burdens, and light and good news.
Why do these get so convoluted with the how to's and what for's?
How does freedom become a death threat?
Even in the places in scripture where there is instruction, it is continually wrapped up in bow of good news.
These men were dealing with some hard stinky human fallacy yet they repeatedly told people to remember that their reward was waiting. They told people to hold on and to rejoice. They encouraged people walk in the freedom that had already been bought and paid for them. For their future. For their now.
Still, we christians take these words and use them to illustrate our depravity.
Love waiting for us to get it all together. Here is how to do it, so do it, moron. Jesus loves you, it's not brain surgery, why can't you get it right?
We talk about grace sometimes. Sometimes we even mean it. Still, hurdling that fence...only the bravest will even try it.
I want to realize each day the newness of God loving me right where I am.
Even when I am testing His mercy and dancing way outside the borders of the barbed wire.
Especially when I believe more than anything that His love depends on that fence...and my staying safely inside.
The words "I love you, but" were never uttered by God.
I put to you today the challenge to love. Period. And I ain't gonna lie to you...it is gonna suck. Hurt bad. Exquisite pain in the name of Jesus.
It is going to rip your heart in two to have to love someone in their sin.
Just forget the words condone and approve.
Love.
Trust God...who defines Himself as Love... to do all the work that your "not condoning" can't get done.
Trust Love to rush in and bind and heal and restore all the places that you don't approve of.
Believe that it is enough to Love God and Love others as you love yourself. (yeah, that is the tricky part)
Here is some instruction for you...stop telling everybody what to do, or not do.
(you see the irony here don't you)
I can only speak for my journey. All the places where I said "christians", and "you" and "them"...I meant me.
I am talking to myself here but you can listen in.
Actually, the following words are not me...they come from my Love.
I love you. Period.
I am continually amazed that the christian mentality seems to equate love with either pity or perfection. think about it...
You pity that person in sin. On a good day you love them in spite of it.
On a perfect day you love them out of it.
I think that Jesus loves them in it.
Now let's take it closer to home. Jesus doesn't just love them in it...He loves me in it.
We won't take time right now to discuss saint/sinner/redeemed. Let it be enough for this discussion to say that I do still sin. Therefore, I am a sinner. Redeemed, yes. But that is not my point right this minute.
Jesus loves me in my sin.
His love does not wait for me to change. He looks at me smack where I am and accepts me there.
In sin.
Without ever covering me up with how much of a screw up I am or how much he disapproves of me.
He doesn't talk to me that way. The scriptures that I have been taught to cherish don't read that way anymore....but they used to.
What changed?
I was raised to revere the bible as the Holy Scripture...the Holy Word of God...the only way that God spoke. All I needed for living was in that book. And believe me, it was full of rules and regulations about life. The life instruction book. That is how christians see it. ok that is fine.
Trouble is, in my experience, once you have a written set of rules/instructions you tend to get busy telling other people how to go about things. You figure that you have the authority to go messin in other people's lives. You poke your nose in. In their best interest of course.
In love.
Problem with that is that it is none of your business. It is God's business.
At some point, and Glory to God Hallelujah! I realized that it is not my job to change people. Not my job even when I love them dearly and want them to change. Not my job when they are bugging the crap out of me with their incessant sinning. Not my job when I am super right and they are dead wrong.
I can't think of a place where He told me to take the written word and go make sure that everyone is following it.
Let's look at this another way. If you put aside the written scripture for a minute what do you have left? Could you exist without it?
Do you trust the Holy Spirit of God enough to instruct you if you had no access to the written word?
We do it every day you know. We who have been raised in the church, who know those scriptures by heart, we walk without it all the time. We misquote it, manipulate it to fit our personal preference, disregard entire sections... How do we survive?
Well, mostly we walk around with our heads hung low as we wallow in muck and feel the disapproval of God. Just a bunch of screw ups. Unworthy.
The scripture we know has been drilled into us and set around us as a barbed wire fence. Stay inside.
Death beyond these lines. Here be monsters.
We walk afraid.
Our security feels sketchy at best because we continually look for breaks in the fence. Even in the moments that we feel secure we terrorize others with messages of death.
Don't do that or you will die! Be afraid!
Yet in the scriptures that we have been taught to revere, we see the messages about freedom, and easy burdens, and light and good news.
Why do these get so convoluted with the how to's and what for's?
How does freedom become a death threat?
Even in the places in scripture where there is instruction, it is continually wrapped up in bow of good news.
These men were dealing with some hard stinky human fallacy yet they repeatedly told people to remember that their reward was waiting. They told people to hold on and to rejoice. They encouraged people walk in the freedom that had already been bought and paid for them. For their future. For their now.
Still, we christians take these words and use them to illustrate our depravity.
Love waiting for us to get it all together. Here is how to do it, so do it, moron. Jesus loves you, it's not brain surgery, why can't you get it right?
We talk about grace sometimes. Sometimes we even mean it. Still, hurdling that fence...only the bravest will even try it.
I want to realize each day the newness of God loving me right where I am.
Even when I am testing His mercy and dancing way outside the borders of the barbed wire.
Especially when I believe more than anything that His love depends on that fence...and my staying safely inside.
The words "I love you, but" were never uttered by God.
I put to you today the challenge to love. Period. And I ain't gonna lie to you...it is gonna suck. Hurt bad. Exquisite pain in the name of Jesus.
It is going to rip your heart in two to have to love someone in their sin.
Just forget the words condone and approve.
Love.
Trust God...who defines Himself as Love... to do all the work that your "not condoning" can't get done.
Trust Love to rush in and bind and heal and restore all the places that you don't approve of.
Believe that it is enough to Love God and Love others as you love yourself. (yeah, that is the tricky part)
Here is some instruction for you...stop telling everybody what to do, or not do.
(you see the irony here don't you)
I can only speak for my journey. All the places where I said "christians", and "you" and "them"...I meant me.
I am talking to myself here but you can listen in.
Actually, the following words are not me...they come from my Love.
I love you. Period.
2.26.2013
hidden tiger, crouching dragon
Last time we talked it was something about surviving and/or thriving. I babbled a bit about the how's and why's of getting along with yourself and with others. Learning lessons. Hurting feelings. Standing up for yourself. It is still confusing to me, this tension between telling your truth and "being nice". What do you do when life isn't fair? What happens when you are being oppressed by the insensitivity of others? How do you proceed when what you need is going to tread on somebody else?
Let's get into it.
I have children. They interact. They get along mostly. Sometimes somebody gets punched or kicked or body slammed. We are not overly violent around here but we do get rowdy.
When it comes to the boys I tend to let them work things out. I believe in pack order. It helps you learn how to survive.
Sometimes tho, the warfare is psychological. That kinds usually hurts worse. Still, survival is a big deal.
Survival...
Just the other day I instructed a younger brother to thank his older brother for tricking him out of five bucks.
Story goes that big brother offered to pay whatever change he had in his room in return for little bro doing some chore. Something might or might not have been said about the possibility of there being five dollars in change.
Turned out that number was grossly exaggerated.
Nobody counted the change until the job was done. What are ya gonna do?
Parents were consulted. A fair settlement was sure to be had. Mom? Dad?
You gotta learn these hard lessons in life son. Be thankful that it was your brother that gave you this lesson in the dangers of being gullible (instead of some stranger on the street).
Right or wrong, that little brother now knows the term "show me the money" and he knows when to use it.
There was nothing fair about that. Not if you think we should have come to the rescue and made big bad brother cough up the dough.
Big brother got his lecture about kindness and honesty. But he also knows that we value his contribution in the raising of this family. We are well aware that his contribution might not always be on the up and up. He has his boundaries and he mostly stays within them although sometimes he does apply some creative restructuring to those lines. Sometimes a lesson learned the hard way is learned the best way.
Think about that what you will.
For the record, little brother did get to have his say. Speak his truth. "this really RIPS!" was hollered and whined throughout the evening.
And then it was over. But it will be remembered. He survived. I can't honestly say that his spirit was honored. But, would it have been an honor to have received his reward by bringing down his brother?
Was he better served in learning this lesson and growing stronger in the process? I think yes.
Now let's look at an if.
IF he had been stronger, faster, smarter (as in street smarts) he could have honored his own spirit and stood up for himself. He could have spoken up when he smelled the rat. He could have refused to do the work. He didn't. He didn't know any better. He had to learn. The hard way. I am glad it was his loving (cough, cough) brother that was there to teach him.
In our house we get many other loving lessons. Siblings are ready instructors. For instance, nobody can teach self defense like a brother. Mind you, self defense lessons look like torture to the untrained eye. (I am not gonna lie to you, self defense quickly turns to torture so beware) Keeping my parental wits about me is a struggle at times but well worth the effort when I see my youngers learn to slough off enemy attack and give it right back. I love those underdogs.
One underdog that sometimes needs help is the princess.
Baby sister can scrap with the best of them but there are times when she ends up on the wrong side of the dog pile. We try to watch out for that. Mom has declared a no pile zone where the bruiser brothers are concerned. They don't try to injure. They just can't help themselves. So, no piling on the princess. Still, if the odds are more evenly matched a wrestling match does occasionally occur with baby sister as the target. This is allowed, but closely monitored.
Standing rule at our house...say "stop" if you want them to stop. If they don't stop you have the right to use force to get them off you. Hitting, kicking, biting...whatever.
I feel very strongly about this. I want to equip my children, especially my girls, to be able to defend themselves forcefully if need be. It doesn't happen often but there have been a few times when somebody got hurt because they did not respond to the verbal "stop". Too bad for them.
Listen better next time. Another great lesson learned the hard way.
This method seems to work for us. Except for two specific instances.
One problem that seems to be popping up lately is that we forget to say "stop" before we pummel.
This almost never turns out good. The pummeler gets a lecture about giving a warning. The pummelee gets a lecture about sensitivity and learning to back off before it gets so serious. Nobody likes a lecture. Especially if you're the one who just got kicked in the shins.
We are still learning.
Another problem comes when someone says "stop" but they are laughing, or gasping for air, or some such thing in such a way as their "stop" cannot or will not be heard.
This is a serious issue.
How do you get your "stop" heard?
I think we all need lessons in this.
This brings me back to the beginning... How do you proceed when what you need is going to tread on somebody else?
I believe, and trust me, this is a new stance for me...I believe that you have to man up and go on ahead and tread.
Yell. Hurt some feelings. Punch somebody right in the nuggets.
Ouch.
Then sometimes you run. Get away and never come back.
But sometimes...oftentimes...more times than not, after knocking their block off physically or verbally you gather them up in a big hug.
Why?
Because more times than not, the perpetrator is your big brother that loves you more than sunshine. Sure, he is a big stinky jerk-wad that totally ignored your need. But that is the way it is in families.
Relationships...the best and closest ones...are rife with traumatic moments where you said stop and they didn't, couldn't or wouldn't hear you.
You need to stand up for yourself. It is ok to take up space. Your voice matters.
Say what you need to say and love them more than you want to kill them. It will smooth out.
I am not in any way addressing abuse situations here. Those are the ones where you punch and run.
No niceties necessary.
My message is for people that get so used to being dog piled that they forget they even have a voice. It is so easy to feel like the world and all your loved ones are dogging you to the point that you pummel first without warning...or you just remain "victim" because you can't seem to make your needs known.
You need to stop that.
You have my permission to stop being so nice.
No really.
Do you see the hidden tiger, crouching dragon response here? Be nice. Understated. Ladylike.
But take good care of your inner fierce. Do not starve it to death. Do not shame it into submission.
It is valuable to you to use your dragon breath and tiger claws to defend yourself and others.
It is good for you. Needful.
Caution is needed tho. Feed your fierce with love, not hate. Compassion and honor raise strong healthy warriors. Spite and frustration fuel venomous beasts.
Stand up. Speak up. Love up most of all. Don't wait any longer.
Tune in next week for lessons in not being hateful and spewing on people because you held it in too long.
Let's get into it.
I have children. They interact. They get along mostly. Sometimes somebody gets punched or kicked or body slammed. We are not overly violent around here but we do get rowdy.
When it comes to the boys I tend to let them work things out. I believe in pack order. It helps you learn how to survive.
Sometimes tho, the warfare is psychological. That kinds usually hurts worse. Still, survival is a big deal.
Survival...
Just the other day I instructed a younger brother to thank his older brother for tricking him out of five bucks.
Story goes that big brother offered to pay whatever change he had in his room in return for little bro doing some chore. Something might or might not have been said about the possibility of there being five dollars in change.
Turned out that number was grossly exaggerated.
Nobody counted the change until the job was done. What are ya gonna do?
Parents were consulted. A fair settlement was sure to be had. Mom? Dad?
You gotta learn these hard lessons in life son. Be thankful that it was your brother that gave you this lesson in the dangers of being gullible (instead of some stranger on the street).
Right or wrong, that little brother now knows the term "show me the money" and he knows when to use it.
There was nothing fair about that. Not if you think we should have come to the rescue and made big bad brother cough up the dough.
Big brother got his lecture about kindness and honesty. But he also knows that we value his contribution in the raising of this family. We are well aware that his contribution might not always be on the up and up. He has his boundaries and he mostly stays within them although sometimes he does apply some creative restructuring to those lines. Sometimes a lesson learned the hard way is learned the best way.
Think about that what you will.
For the record, little brother did get to have his say. Speak his truth. "this really RIPS!" was hollered and whined throughout the evening.
And then it was over. But it will be remembered. He survived. I can't honestly say that his spirit was honored. But, would it have been an honor to have received his reward by bringing down his brother?
Was he better served in learning this lesson and growing stronger in the process? I think yes.
Now let's look at an if.
IF he had been stronger, faster, smarter (as in street smarts) he could have honored his own spirit and stood up for himself. He could have spoken up when he smelled the rat. He could have refused to do the work. He didn't. He didn't know any better. He had to learn. The hard way. I am glad it was his loving (cough, cough) brother that was there to teach him.
In our house we get many other loving lessons. Siblings are ready instructors. For instance, nobody can teach self defense like a brother. Mind you, self defense lessons look like torture to the untrained eye. (I am not gonna lie to you, self defense quickly turns to torture so beware) Keeping my parental wits about me is a struggle at times but well worth the effort when I see my youngers learn to slough off enemy attack and give it right back. I love those underdogs.
One underdog that sometimes needs help is the princess.
Baby sister can scrap with the best of them but there are times when she ends up on the wrong side of the dog pile. We try to watch out for that. Mom has declared a no pile zone where the bruiser brothers are concerned. They don't try to injure. They just can't help themselves. So, no piling on the princess. Still, if the odds are more evenly matched a wrestling match does occasionally occur with baby sister as the target. This is allowed, but closely monitored.
Standing rule at our house...say "stop" if you want them to stop. If they don't stop you have the right to use force to get them off you. Hitting, kicking, biting...whatever.
I feel very strongly about this. I want to equip my children, especially my girls, to be able to defend themselves forcefully if need be. It doesn't happen often but there have been a few times when somebody got hurt because they did not respond to the verbal "stop". Too bad for them.
Listen better next time. Another great lesson learned the hard way.
This method seems to work for us. Except for two specific instances.
One problem that seems to be popping up lately is that we forget to say "stop" before we pummel.
This almost never turns out good. The pummeler gets a lecture about giving a warning. The pummelee gets a lecture about sensitivity and learning to back off before it gets so serious. Nobody likes a lecture. Especially if you're the one who just got kicked in the shins.
We are still learning.
Another problem comes when someone says "stop" but they are laughing, or gasping for air, or some such thing in such a way as their "stop" cannot or will not be heard.
This is a serious issue.
How do you get your "stop" heard?
I think we all need lessons in this.
This brings me back to the beginning... How do you proceed when what you need is going to tread on somebody else?
I believe, and trust me, this is a new stance for me...I believe that you have to man up and go on ahead and tread.
Yell. Hurt some feelings. Punch somebody right in the nuggets.
Ouch.
Then sometimes you run. Get away and never come back.
But sometimes...oftentimes...more times than not, after knocking their block off physically or verbally you gather them up in a big hug.
Why?
Because more times than not, the perpetrator is your big brother that loves you more than sunshine. Sure, he is a big stinky jerk-wad that totally ignored your need. But that is the way it is in families.
Relationships...the best and closest ones...are rife with traumatic moments where you said stop and they didn't, couldn't or wouldn't hear you.
You need to stand up for yourself. It is ok to take up space. Your voice matters.
Say what you need to say and love them more than you want to kill them. It will smooth out.
I am not in any way addressing abuse situations here. Those are the ones where you punch and run.
No niceties necessary.
My message is for people that get so used to being dog piled that they forget they even have a voice. It is so easy to feel like the world and all your loved ones are dogging you to the point that you pummel first without warning...or you just remain "victim" because you can't seem to make your needs known.
You need to stop that.
You have my permission to stop being so nice.
No really.
Do you see the hidden tiger, crouching dragon response here? Be nice. Understated. Ladylike.
But take good care of your inner fierce. Do not starve it to death. Do not shame it into submission.
It is valuable to you to use your dragon breath and tiger claws to defend yourself and others.
It is good for you. Needful.
Caution is needed tho. Feed your fierce with love, not hate. Compassion and honor raise strong healthy warriors. Spite and frustration fuel venomous beasts.
Stand up. Speak up. Love up most of all. Don't wait any longer.
Tune in next week for lessons in not being hateful and spewing on people because you held it in too long.
9.26.2012
spirit on hold
Sometimes you have to put aside your spirit and function in a way that is only glorious if you look at it in the light of survival.
I wrote this one day...because I felt it. I actually don't know if it makes sense. Nor do I really care. My heart knows. Sometimes that is all ya get.
I think a human spirit is a precious gift from God. It is the thing that makes breathing worthwhile.
It is that defining thing inside ones self that makes you, you. Youfully you.
It is not potential. It is not character. It is not characteristics or attributes or facets. It is not even personality. In fact, I think it is especially not personality.
Spirit is not about how you do things, or why you do things. It goes beyond genetics and environment.
Spirit is essence.
Spirit is that part of you that needs no reason. You don't have to defend its position.
Spirit just is. If you let it.
Spirit is a living thing that can be fed and nurtured and crushed. We set it free. We protect it.
We also abuse it. Or worse, deny it.
Spirit ignored is purely tragic.
Ignoring your spirit causes lifelong problems. Like ulcers. ask me how I know.
I honestly believe that many/most autoimmune diseases are the result of ignoring your spirit. Notice that I did not say all.
Bash me if you must, but it is what I think so nyah. (stick out tongue here)
I mean really, if you have a disorder where your body is turning on itself in an attempt to eradicate an intruder, and that intruder is one or more of the necessary organs in your body, you might be suffering from spirit suppression. Your body is smart. It knows that there is some imposter running around in your undershorts trying to convince the world that they are you. So it begins to send out the white cells to do some battle.
Ignoring who you really are is like declaring war on your own self. That is scary. And really not very smart.
I refuse to think that I am the only one doing such a stupid thing. Stupidity loves company. Admit it.
For me, ignoring my spirit starts with denying the fact that anything bothers me. I am a paragon of cool. Cucumber, baby.
At least this is what I show the world. This is the way that I survive. Not necessarily because my world is so big and bad, more like because I am big and bad and you must be protected from the viciousness of my spirit.
I have learned to ignore my spirit. Suppress it. Oppress it. Make it serve my will. My will being: protect the ones you love. Don't let it out. It could hurt someone. Ignore it and it will go away.
Being a person well versed in ignoring my spirit I feel like I can talk a little bit about how to do such a thing.
At the very least I can instruct you on how I go about it.
Take these instructions and reverse-psychologise them if you want to avoid some of my angst.
1. Pretend to not be bothered by things that are bothersome. Rise above it. Say to yourself that it doesn't matter. Tell yourself that it is not proper to be upset. Convince yourself that you are too mature to ...whatever. Look that bothersome booger in the face then duck your head and visualize it rolling off your back. quack.
2. If you find that you are still bothered, whisper under your breath that this is none of your business. You can only change you. Keep your eyes on your own paper. This is not your problem.
Advanced users only...pray about it. (interpret that as you will)
3. When you discover that this is, in fact, your problem refer back to 1. Repeat.
I think that about covers it.
You have had your first lesson. That was super easy!
But what does that have to do with your spirit? I don't know. I don't know about your spirit...only mine. That is the way it works. So, if you are interested I will tell you more about what this has to do with my spirit.
I have spent my life so far structuring my responses to reflect my even keel and unflappable disposition.
The more I was bothered by something the more I would restrict, constrict, constrain myself to the "proper" outlook and reply. I didn't do it on purpose. I did it because I was trained to. (self trained mostly, I am sure)
I got so christian with it that if I found myself shakingly upset I could absolutely taste the spiritual battle in the room and go after it full force without ever once realizing that it was my own knickers in a twist. Couldn't be me. I am way too easy going for that.
Now once in awhile the real me would surface. More like breaching actually. I would bust out with such vehemence that people would just blink at me. I would quickly realize my error and retreat in horror and self recrimination.
And here is another layer for you...my own vanity would rush to my aid, wiping the snot off my recrimination with a nice clean hanky of "you are better than that." I was assured that my normal controlled self would soon reappear and that this "mistake" could be easily rectified. sigh.
Did you catch that? In the few times that the real me has shown up, the suppressive me has shushed and subdued my realness by assuring me that the oppressor could fix everything if only I would hush.
I don't like the sound of that on paper. I also don't like the way I sound like the devil. I am not the devil. No part of me is. I do not believe that I have a devil side and an angel side.
no.
But I do believe that I have participated in an elaborate ruse. A hoax structured to keep the authentic me quiet.
The hoax...I am too good to be mad. Mad is bad. Bothered is immature. Angry is out of control in a sinful way.
A lifetime of feeling regret because my heart knew that the bother was there...even if the brain would or could not admit it.
So my heart has felt deceitful and dirty and bad...when really it was passion in a spirit crying out for release.
My release.
I am going to think about this some more. I know I am on a journey. Not of navel gazing but of discovery. God has this. He keeps telling me in various ways.
Today I keep hearing...in your anger do not sin. There must be a reason He said that.
And getting back to that first statement...I am confused about the parts of life where you have to step aside from who you really are in order to survive.
Can you do that safely? Is it necessary sometimes or is survival just a cop-out? Is it just a dumb thing to say that has no meaning?
Still thinking...
I wrote this one day...because I felt it. I actually don't know if it makes sense. Nor do I really care. My heart knows. Sometimes that is all ya get.
I think a human spirit is a precious gift from God. It is the thing that makes breathing worthwhile.
It is that defining thing inside ones self that makes you, you. Youfully you.
It is not potential. It is not character. It is not characteristics or attributes or facets. It is not even personality. In fact, I think it is especially not personality.
Spirit is not about how you do things, or why you do things. It goes beyond genetics and environment.
Spirit is essence.
Spirit is that part of you that needs no reason. You don't have to defend its position.
Spirit just is. If you let it.
Spirit is a living thing that can be fed and nurtured and crushed. We set it free. We protect it.
We also abuse it. Or worse, deny it.
Spirit ignored is purely tragic.
Ignoring your spirit causes lifelong problems. Like ulcers. ask me how I know.
I honestly believe that many/most autoimmune diseases are the result of ignoring your spirit. Notice that I did not say all.
Bash me if you must, but it is what I think so nyah. (stick out tongue here)
I mean really, if you have a disorder where your body is turning on itself in an attempt to eradicate an intruder, and that intruder is one or more of the necessary organs in your body, you might be suffering from spirit suppression. Your body is smart. It knows that there is some imposter running around in your undershorts trying to convince the world that they are you. So it begins to send out the white cells to do some battle.
Ignoring who you really are is like declaring war on your own self. That is scary. And really not very smart.
I refuse to think that I am the only one doing such a stupid thing. Stupidity loves company. Admit it.
For me, ignoring my spirit starts with denying the fact that anything bothers me. I am a paragon of cool. Cucumber, baby.
At least this is what I show the world. This is the way that I survive. Not necessarily because my world is so big and bad, more like because I am big and bad and you must be protected from the viciousness of my spirit.
I have learned to ignore my spirit. Suppress it. Oppress it. Make it serve my will. My will being: protect the ones you love. Don't let it out. It could hurt someone. Ignore it and it will go away.
Being a person well versed in ignoring my spirit I feel like I can talk a little bit about how to do such a thing.
At the very least I can instruct you on how I go about it.
Take these instructions and reverse-psychologise them if you want to avoid some of my angst.
1. Pretend to not be bothered by things that are bothersome. Rise above it. Say to yourself that it doesn't matter. Tell yourself that it is not proper to be upset. Convince yourself that you are too mature to ...whatever. Look that bothersome booger in the face then duck your head and visualize it rolling off your back. quack.
2. If you find that you are still bothered, whisper under your breath that this is none of your business. You can only change you. Keep your eyes on your own paper. This is not your problem.
Advanced users only...pray about it. (interpret that as you will)
3. When you discover that this is, in fact, your problem refer back to 1. Repeat.
I think that about covers it.
You have had your first lesson. That was super easy!
But what does that have to do with your spirit? I don't know. I don't know about your spirit...only mine. That is the way it works. So, if you are interested I will tell you more about what this has to do with my spirit.
I have spent my life so far structuring my responses to reflect my even keel and unflappable disposition.
The more I was bothered by something the more I would restrict, constrict, constrain myself to the "proper" outlook and reply. I didn't do it on purpose. I did it because I was trained to. (self trained mostly, I am sure)
I got so christian with it that if I found myself shakingly upset I could absolutely taste the spiritual battle in the room and go after it full force without ever once realizing that it was my own knickers in a twist. Couldn't be me. I am way too easy going for that.
Now once in awhile the real me would surface. More like breaching actually. I would bust out with such vehemence that people would just blink at me. I would quickly realize my error and retreat in horror and self recrimination.
And here is another layer for you...my own vanity would rush to my aid, wiping the snot off my recrimination with a nice clean hanky of "you are better than that." I was assured that my normal controlled self would soon reappear and that this "mistake" could be easily rectified. sigh.
Did you catch that? In the few times that the real me has shown up, the suppressive me has shushed and subdued my realness by assuring me that the oppressor could fix everything if only I would hush.
I don't like the sound of that on paper. I also don't like the way I sound like the devil. I am not the devil. No part of me is. I do not believe that I have a devil side and an angel side.
no.
But I do believe that I have participated in an elaborate ruse. A hoax structured to keep the authentic me quiet.
The hoax...I am too good to be mad. Mad is bad. Bothered is immature. Angry is out of control in a sinful way.
A lifetime of feeling regret because my heart knew that the bother was there...even if the brain would or could not admit it.
So my heart has felt deceitful and dirty and bad...when really it was passion in a spirit crying out for release.
My release.
I am going to think about this some more. I know I am on a journey. Not of navel gazing but of discovery. God has this. He keeps telling me in various ways.
Today I keep hearing...in your anger do not sin. There must be a reason He said that.
And getting back to that first statement...I am confused about the parts of life where you have to step aside from who you really are in order to survive.
Can you do that safely? Is it necessary sometimes or is survival just a cop-out? Is it just a dumb thing to say that has no meaning?
Still thinking...
7.31.2012
bless-ed
I groaned today. Under the weight of the words I wished I could say and the weight of the words that had already been said. So much hating has been going on. I am not exempt.
I just feel better about myself because I hate the haters.
You know what I am talking about. Bullying and abuse and right and wrong. People standing up for themselves and standing up for others. I want to say something but it has all been said and then some.
I do not know how to make a stand when standing room only is the flavor of the day.
(and that flavor is chicken)
Everybody standing for what they believe in. Or what that guy believes in. Or what God believes in.
Let's just make sure that right is stood up for and let's really make sure that it is kept right.
Or what's the point?
Right?
Too complicated. I just feel more comfortable hating the haters. Simpler that way.
Not exactly proud of that.
I keep trying to reel myself back in but it only works until someone else starts talking and then I start to run the line again as I buck and pull against the current.
I like this fish picture because it describes my heart and how it feels hooked and helpless. I don't want to keep taking the shiny hate bait like a stupid fish. I want to reject the lures kerplunking from every side of the issue. I want to move beyond my instinct.
That is hard. My instinct tells me that hate is good. Hate is provision. It is the answer to what I have been looking for. This is especially convenient because what I have been looking for is answers.
Hate is the shiny answer to my hearts question about how to feel towards all the bullies. I don't have to point out the bullies. If I started detailing instances of bullying it would take all day and get really redundant. It isn't just about this current issue. Happens all the time...so I am just gonna try and give you a one sentence definition of bully.
Ready?
If you are standing on your superior right and oppressing someone with that right, you are being a bully.
I really hate it when that happens.
I hate it so much that when I feel it happening I tend to bet on the underdog and hate the bully no matter how right the bully is in their position.
So, if I gotta put the hate somewhere, at least it is constructive.
Well, somewhere in there I began to realize that this was probably not the way I needed to be thinking.
Thus, the groaning.
If you wait long enough I do eventually come back to the point.
Simply put, I asked the Lord if He would help me feel His heart on the matter.
I do not in any way say that I am revealing the heart of God here. I am just saying that this is what came to my heart in response to my asking my Father to help me understand His perspective.
You gotta do your own research on this.
The matter on my heart...
one person has spoken his opinion leading to one people group standing en masse to support both his right to his opinion and their agreement with his position. This has led to both misunderstanding and full comprehension of the stated and unstated agendas of people groups on every side of this issue.
People standing for their rights. Other people being looked down upon because their beliefs don't match up. Hating happening pretty generously on both sides leading to multiple levels of hating by association as people pointed fingers and spoke loudly about all the various subsets of said support. sigh.
I groaned. I listened. I heard...Matthew 5. I began to read...
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
I have always been taught that the sermon on the mount was about Jesus teaching his disciples how to be good losers.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
I guess I also knew that it was talking about those poor souls like you find in Africa
or China.
You know, the persecuted ones.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Meek is about being lowly. Or perceived lower than the one doing the perceiving.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled.
I am reading, and chuckling a little at this one as I think about hungering for
righteousness vs chicken.
-Glad I didn't stand in any lines.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
oops. point taken.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
getting a little close to home here.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
I began to wonder about these words and how I had always been led to interpret them. In mercy I thought about standing in line for the 'right' and how un-peaceful that can be. And it hurt me. But not in a judgmental way. More in a way that really let me feel how much people can hurt while I defend my rights.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
My hands began to shake with the power of this statement. Right or wrong, I saw this sentence in an entirely new light.
I had thought this a call for strength.
I had thought this a promise to the right.
Stand firm in your beliefs. Hold the line. Take the punches. You will be rewarded.
I am not saying that is wrong. I am just saying that my thought was pretty exclusive as to its meaning.
Today I was introduced to a new thought.
What if the blessed are the ones being persecuted by the hands and hearts of the righteous.
What if our stand for the right is causing pain, oppression, and persecution to others.
Is it possible that the Lord of Heaven is standing ready to defend this persecution?
Or the ones being persecuted?
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all manner of evil against you in my name.
Now I can hear the voice of my dad in my head. And I smile when I type this. He is telling me I have it all backwards because that next verse talks about prophets and clearly people living in sin are not who he is talking about...to which I would say innocently "daddy, are you saying that all those people on that mountain were sinless?"
And then we would go round and round arguing semantics.
So, just know that I know what you are saying when you say I am misinterpreting.
I am not saying it doesn't mean what we were taught.
I am saying...it may mean more than that.
Read on.
You will find that the rest of the chapter reads different if you look at it from the perspective of the teacher trying to each his students about respecting others and living in such a way as to bring honor and love to an otherwise harsh and impersonal law.
Today I began to read this "Sermon on the Mount" with a heart that looks to others instead of only to myself. I see the promises not only for my own down times but for the down times of the hurting around me.
I see the blessed as defined by Jesus himself. I see where He is instructing me how to see His beautiful creation. His children.
I see, for the first time, that being salt and light are not only a call to purity and strength but also an encouragement to hold fast to the principles of love taught by the Master. For if salt and light are defined as love then we are called to never lose our love and to never hide it.
Love as salt will affect everyone around with its saltiness.
Love as light will brighten the whole city when kept fully out in the open for all to see.
I know you know this.
Take it and apply it back to the blessed ones. Consider that the blessed ones (in this case) are anyone that is not full up with the knowledge of the love of Jesus.
The lowly, the persecuted, the poor in spirit...whether they know it or not.
Now that you recognize them, do not pity them.
Certainly do not yell at them about how right you are.
Embrace them.
I sit here now, weary but heartened by the promises I feel in my heart. I look on the events of the past few days and it breaks my heart because so many people were belittled and hurt...on both sides.
My Papa has a heart to mend the hurts. I know this is true. I want to live in a way that honors His heart.
I hope I can start with today.
I just feel better about myself because I hate the haters.
You know what I am talking about. Bullying and abuse and right and wrong. People standing up for themselves and standing up for others. I want to say something but it has all been said and then some.
I do not know how to make a stand when standing room only is the flavor of the day.
(and that flavor is chicken)
Everybody standing for what they believe in. Or what that guy believes in. Or what God believes in.
Let's just make sure that right is stood up for and let's really make sure that it is kept right.
Or what's the point?
Right?
Too complicated. I just feel more comfortable hating the haters. Simpler that way.
Not exactly proud of that.
I keep trying to reel myself back in but it only works until someone else starts talking and then I start to run the line again as I buck and pull against the current.
I like this fish picture because it describes my heart and how it feels hooked and helpless. I don't want to keep taking the shiny hate bait like a stupid fish. I want to reject the lures kerplunking from every side of the issue. I want to move beyond my instinct.
That is hard. My instinct tells me that hate is good. Hate is provision. It is the answer to what I have been looking for. This is especially convenient because what I have been looking for is answers.
Hate is the shiny answer to my hearts question about how to feel towards all the bullies. I don't have to point out the bullies. If I started detailing instances of bullying it would take all day and get really redundant. It isn't just about this current issue. Happens all the time...so I am just gonna try and give you a one sentence definition of bully.
Ready?
If you are standing on your superior right and oppressing someone with that right, you are being a bully.
I really hate it when that happens.
I hate it so much that when I feel it happening I tend to bet on the underdog and hate the bully no matter how right the bully is in their position.
So, if I gotta put the hate somewhere, at least it is constructive.
Well, somewhere in there I began to realize that this was probably not the way I needed to be thinking.
Thus, the groaning.
If you wait long enough I do eventually come back to the point.
Simply put, I asked the Lord if He would help me feel His heart on the matter.
I do not in any way say that I am revealing the heart of God here. I am just saying that this is what came to my heart in response to my asking my Father to help me understand His perspective.
You gotta do your own research on this.
The matter on my heart...
one person has spoken his opinion leading to one people group standing en masse to support both his right to his opinion and their agreement with his position. This has led to both misunderstanding and full comprehension of the stated and unstated agendas of people groups on every side of this issue.
People standing for their rights. Other people being looked down upon because their beliefs don't match up. Hating happening pretty generously on both sides leading to multiple levels of hating by association as people pointed fingers and spoke loudly about all the various subsets of said support. sigh.
I groaned. I listened. I heard...Matthew 5. I began to read...
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
I have always been taught that the sermon on the mount was about Jesus teaching his disciples how to be good losers.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
I guess I also knew that it was talking about those poor souls like you find in Africa
or China.
You know, the persecuted ones.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Meek is about being lowly. Or perceived lower than the one doing the perceiving.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled.
I am reading, and chuckling a little at this one as I think about hungering for
righteousness vs chicken.
-Glad I didn't stand in any lines.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
oops. point taken.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
getting a little close to home here.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
I began to wonder about these words and how I had always been led to interpret them. In mercy I thought about standing in line for the 'right' and how un-peaceful that can be. And it hurt me. But not in a judgmental way. More in a way that really let me feel how much people can hurt while I defend my rights.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
My hands began to shake with the power of this statement. Right or wrong, I saw this sentence in an entirely new light.
I had thought this a call for strength.
I had thought this a promise to the right.
Stand firm in your beliefs. Hold the line. Take the punches. You will be rewarded.
I am not saying that is wrong. I am just saying that my thought was pretty exclusive as to its meaning.
Today I was introduced to a new thought.
What if the blessed are the ones being persecuted by the hands and hearts of the righteous.
What if our stand for the right is causing pain, oppression, and persecution to others.
Is it possible that the Lord of Heaven is standing ready to defend this persecution?
Or the ones being persecuted?
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all manner of evil against you in my name.
Now I can hear the voice of my dad in my head. And I smile when I type this. He is telling me I have it all backwards because that next verse talks about prophets and clearly people living in sin are not who he is talking about...to which I would say innocently "daddy, are you saying that all those people on that mountain were sinless?"
And then we would go round and round arguing semantics.
So, just know that I know what you are saying when you say I am misinterpreting.
I am not saying it doesn't mean what we were taught.
I am saying...it may mean more than that.
Read on.
You will find that the rest of the chapter reads different if you look at it from the perspective of the teacher trying to each his students about respecting others and living in such a way as to bring honor and love to an otherwise harsh and impersonal law.
Today I began to read this "Sermon on the Mount" with a heart that looks to others instead of only to myself. I see the promises not only for my own down times but for the down times of the hurting around me.
I see the blessed as defined by Jesus himself. I see where He is instructing me how to see His beautiful creation. His children.
I see, for the first time, that being salt and light are not only a call to purity and strength but also an encouragement to hold fast to the principles of love taught by the Master. For if salt and light are defined as love then we are called to never lose our love and to never hide it.
Love as salt will affect everyone around with its saltiness.
Love as light will brighten the whole city when kept fully out in the open for all to see.
I know you know this.
Take it and apply it back to the blessed ones. Consider that the blessed ones (in this case) are anyone that is not full up with the knowledge of the love of Jesus.
The lowly, the persecuted, the poor in spirit...whether they know it or not.
Now that you recognize them, do not pity them.
Certainly do not yell at them about how right you are.
Embrace them.
I sit here now, weary but heartened by the promises I feel in my heart. I look on the events of the past few days and it breaks my heart because so many people were belittled and hurt...on both sides.
My Papa has a heart to mend the hurts. I know this is true. I want to live in a way that honors His heart.
I hope I can start with today.
7.18.2012
dwelling place
This is going to take a while. It takes
a lot of words. Even saying that is an understatement.
There is no
short essay form for this topic. I ask you, if you feel brave or
curious enough to continue, consider carefully what my heart has laid
before you and respond. I would like to hear you.
This is about p*R^0gR@p\-\y. Look at
that word carefully. It will come to you.
I typed it like that in a
lame attempt to protect myself from google searches.
Although...with what I am about to say,
maybe a few searchers would be welcome here. :-\
From now on I will just refer to it as
prn.
When you read prn, know that I am
mixing in every “sexually impure” thing that has been agonizing
me. The posers, the lookers, the sellers, the industry, the girls at
the pool, the advertisements, the movies, the perpetrators and the
victims. All of it.
Prn, it has clenched my husband in a
death roll.
Taken sniper shots at my sons.
Fileted my marriage, scorched my
parenting, targeted my christianity
and barbequed my womanhood.
Yet it has not won.
I am still standing. Still loving. A
survivor.
And today, I feel victorious.
But that is not always so.
I have felt myself lost
abandoned
left torn apart
with nowhere to turn and no hope of
release.
I have screamed to the heavens
searched both sacred and secular
frantic
to see the end
and all I found was
piety or sheer humanistic determination
but no eject lever
just an endless merry go round
a frustrating circle
no escape
a disease
terminal
and devastating.
How could I possibly have hope when,
aside from a miracle, there loomed before me
a lifetime of despair and regret.
Despair for loved ones all around me
who are constantly accosted.
Regret for me as participant. For what
I have seen that still haunts me. For my curiosity.
Despair in feeling like this will never
end. That their struggle cannot be understood. And is a curse.
Regret for me as victim- heart raped
each time my warrior men engaged in battle for their lives and left
the homefires unattended- open for pillage.
I still bear those scars.
I cannot speak for them. My men. I do
not know their struggle tho my heart bleeds just as red
with their every wound.
I am not man. And knowing women also
fall into this trap is really no help at all because that is not
my story.
My story deals with passionate men
entrapped in hate and loathing both for those they've seen and who
they've been for looking.
How is one expected to survive when the
battle is bred into your DNA? How does one fight when all you've been
about is destruction and it seems that the only way out is to destroy
the perpetrator which is you? What do you do with the loved ones you
have betrayed in your weakness? You see their hurt while you continue
to destroy the very one they long to restore.
Do you see how tangled up this gets?
Not just the looker affected.
But the one who holds his heart.
Torn apart.
It isn't really about betrayal, tho in
anger that label has tried to take hold.
No- the tearing comes more with the
despair. Why. How.
When will we be done with this?
Because reality proves again and again
that you cannot take things back.
You can't un-see.
So do you wallow in despair- and
hopelessness- and anger
spewing lava streams of hellfire and
brimstone upon society at large and upon the vixen vipers coiled all
around you posed to strike.
Hate.
Hate.
Hate.
It doesn't make the problem go away.
How do we live in this world and hate
such a despicable thing that never, ever, goes away?
You cannot run from it.
Cannot protect yourself or those you
love.
Although you try.
You try. But it gets in.
continually.
The vile stench of impurity.
Wrecking.
Putrid.
Half naked society. Bandaid clad.
Lounging on the doorsteps or our hearts and minds and souls.
Maybe not prn exactly. Maybe not prn at
all.
But just enough to get a thought
jumpstarted that was best left dormant.
Everywhere.
An opportunity to hate. To stand my
ground and snarl. For myself and everyone I love.
All out war all the time. Hating.
Disgusted. Despairing.
How do you live with the hate that
brings death?
Does that even make sense?
I do want that prn to die. To go away
forever. And it will someday when all is said and done.
But what til then?
Cry, and fight, and wail, and slip, and
forgive, and try-try-try to forget.
The list goes on and around.
You know.
How do you live with death?
One day, my heart decided to stop
fighting so hard.
Maybe you can't follow this- and that
is fine.
Read carefully...
I did not accept this as in “it is
ok”.
no.
But I have come to make some choices.
Hard choices.
And I truly believe for me it is an
answer- if not a solution- from Heaven.
I realized that I could choose to hate.
Every woman that shows more skin than I
agree with.
Every woman that wiggles
or poses
or invites with her eyes
or her lips
or her boobs.
Every woman that does not invite on purpose but through her ignorance or arrogance refuses to acknowledge the battle at hand.
Or I could choose to love her.
And if I chose to love her I could
teach the same to those within my sphere.
Leading by example.
I could call out her demonic ways and
encourage my men to protect themselves with armor made of piety- self
righteousness- anger- fear- guilt- pity- hatred- despair- disgust-
Or I could witness the hurt-
the agony of disrespect both given and
received.
The horror-
recognized or not, of living on
display-
abused- broken hearted- abandoned-
poverty stricken- dying-
If I choose to see the hurt then I have
to remember the truth about God.
The truth-
He dwells with the broken hearted.
Can I get my heart around this?
If my Lord came to heal the wounded
if He shelters the abused
if he lives with the ones that are so
broken that they are dying
Then my God dwells within...
(I am not trying to be dramatic here. I
simply cannot write the end of that sentence.)
Can I model this to my hearts- my men-
When you eyes look at nakedness you are
looking at God.
He is there- drawn close in love-
covering her, in her nakedness, with
His love.
Does this change what you see?
Can you hear Him?
He does not scream at you or whisper to
your guilt.
He does not shame you for your
disgusting lack of self control.
If you hear that- know it is not your
Lord.
He does not speak in such a way.
Your Lord loves you enough to want you
to realize His heart for you.
A heart free- loved- respected-
honored- encouraged- believed in- cherished-
His heart for you is the exact same for
the one your eyes see...
free- loved- respected- honored-
encouraged- believed in- cherished-
I believe that the Lord invites us to
look away- but in respect- not disgust- and remember that we have
just witnessed a dwelling place of the Most High.
What if, little by little, we could be
trained to see God by finding Him – encountering Him-
as He dwells with the hurting.
Could we dwell with Him in places we
have only yet been taught to avoid at all costs?
The destitute will change our
perspective of right and wrong on the societal morality scale... can
we trust Him with our souls enough to follow Him to a world
completely opposite of our puritanical standard?
This breaks my mind.
Would such a radical leap change our
perspective on prn and our reactions about it and our seeming slavery
to it?
Can we love our way out?
Hear me hear me hear me...I am not
suggesting that we all open up our arms and embrace the prn industry.
I am not suggesting that we train ourselves to look in some
pseudo-innoculation ritual hoping to strengthen our resolve.
no. no. no.
Don't look. Don't flirt with it in
any way. Stay far away. You can make choices. You can remove yourself.
What I am saying is that there is a
pervasive presence of sexual “impurity” all around us every day.
I believe that hatred feeds the beast.
I believe that seeing, with our hearts eyes, the presence of God
dwelling with the hurting might just give us the strength to
respectfully look away without hating.
I am saying that keeping our robes all
sparkley white by despising the humanity we encounter might be
leading us down a road of pharisiacal right that leaves lots and lots
of neighbors bleeding by the way.
I am asking myself to consider it. Then
consider it again.
Or hate.
There is no neat wrap up here.
It never ends. This struggle for
survival. This journey through the world.
This wrestling with our passions and
our purity.
But maybe, in the curse, we can find a
blessing.
As shocking and despicable as that
sounds.
Could it be a blessing to find love
where ever before you only found hate?
If daily you are accosted with
opportunities to fill your heart with hate for others and yourself
...and, if daily you make a choice to love...will it slowly but
surely change your heart?
I do not do endings well. And since my
mind talks in pictures I will end by sharing mine with you.
What if, in this endless struggle you
begin to realize that compassion rises over purity like the warm morning sun
vaulting over mountains. It brings daylight to the darkened crags,
illuminating what was once just blackness.
This change in light may not make your
journey easy but at least it can help you find your way.
11.11.2011
please read this and pass it on...please
I want to give you a short rundown on something I have just found out.
It seems that there is a biotech company called Senomyx that works with food and drink companies to find ways to enhance flavors in their products. If you look at their website you find that they are noble in their desire to reduce the amounts of MSG, sugar, sodium and other additives in products. They do this by using "isolated human taste receptors" that will react chemically with these new flavor enhancers in ways that taste tests alone would not.
What they fail to mention is that the isolated human taste receptors are from Human Embryonic Kidney cells (HEK) from a healthy, electively aborted baby.
They are using aborted human fetus cells to research ways to make your food taste better.
Read that again.
Some of the companies that use this technology...
Pepsico
Nestle
Kraft
Ajinomoto (leading maker of aspartame)
Firmenich (perfume and flavoring company)--think fruit juice, jelly, yogurt, etc...etc...etc...
I am really distressed.
I realize that I have no TV and maybe I am way behind the times in this issue...still...this is just so horrible.
I did not want to write this out as a crunchy granola eat healthy or die propaganda letter. I just wanted to let you know. Because I figured you would want to know.
Here is a link for a website that I do not necessarily endorse it just seemed to be a pretty concise summary with some links and further information.
http://www.cogforlife.org/senomyxmercola.htm
10.17.2011
closer in
when trust is not enough
to make things better
breathing is a minefield of regret
sunlight blinds your hope
and comfort bleeds
ones who seem to have it figured out
have left you shockingly alone
tho they surround you with their bodies
and their hands feel warm
their prayers point coldly to a door
where Heaven waits
while you look
in desperation
for the key
you know the right
and everybody tells you
just exactly how to get it done
but you know...
you know
that what they say is bogus
cuz if they're right
you're dead
they say to trust
but you are doubtful
they say get still
but you can't stop
they say reading holy words will bring you comfort
but the ones you find just damn you
and that brings sweet relief
because at least it asks for nothing
so you wake up to another day of darkness
jump through hoops
and beat your fists on walls
then feel the guilt
heaped overflowing
by your lack of self control
you did it wrong again
all your whining and complaining
must have surely sent Him packing
even tho
they say (those ones who know)
He waits
and tapping holy fingers
rests in peace
til you calm down
then one small thought breaks through
(when) fits of rage
are all you have to work with
one small thought is all it takes
(when) unfairness seems to rule your life
one small thought...
a murmur really
that sounds crazy sane and right
"they're wrong"...
So cry your heart out baby
weep the worry
rivers down your Papa's heart
when it all comes crashing
throw your thoughts
and hurl the doubts
then climb up on the shards
of broken dreams
and flow your tears
and He will call to you
tho you may not hear
He will whisper
and He will cry for you
when all your tears are gone
and lost among the ashes
when you feel emptied
and alone
He stands
among your dread
raging with you
stronger than defeat
able to withstand
your hate
when all the right words
lose their meaning
and the weeping
comes again
just open up and throw your head back
so the howls can tumble freely
He will hold them safely
while He weeps
and draws you closer in
to make things better
breathing is a minefield of regret
sunlight blinds your hope
and comfort bleeds
ones who seem to have it figured out
have left you shockingly alone
tho they surround you with their bodies
and their hands feel warm
their prayers point coldly to a door
where Heaven waits
while you look
in desperation
for the key
you know the right
and everybody tells you
just exactly how to get it done
but you know...
you know
that what they say is bogus
cuz if they're right
you're dead
they say to trust
but you are doubtful
they say get still
but you can't stop
they say reading holy words will bring you comfort
but the ones you find just damn you
and that brings sweet relief
because at least it asks for nothing
so you wake up to another day of darkness
jump through hoops
and beat your fists on walls
then feel the guilt
heaped overflowing
by your lack of self control
you did it wrong again
all your whining and complaining
must have surely sent Him packing
even tho
they say (those ones who know)
He waits
and tapping holy fingers
rests in peace
til you calm down
then one small thought breaks through
(when) fits of rage
are all you have to work with
one small thought is all it takes
(when) unfairness seems to rule your life
one small thought...
a murmur really
that sounds crazy sane and right
"they're wrong"...
So cry your heart out baby
weep the worry
rivers down your Papa's heart
when it all comes crashing
throw your thoughts
and hurl the doubts
then climb up on the shards
of broken dreams
and flow your tears
and He will call to you
tho you may not hear
He will whisper
and He will cry for you
when all your tears are gone
and lost among the ashes
when you feel emptied
and alone
He stands
among your dread
raging with you
stronger than defeat
able to withstand
your hate
when all the right words
lose their meaning
and the weeping
comes again
just open up and throw your head back
so the howls can tumble freely
He will hold them safely
while He weeps
and draws you closer in
9.25.2011
honesty
I don't want to know about your savior
your life story don't mean nothing
to my used up heart
I just try to get through each day
and that has to be enough for me
so go away with your big stories
and your promises of rescue
from the life at least I understand
why do I want to trade it for
some unknown world that sounds too good
all I hear are words of empty praise
for a man I never heard of
from a stranger I have no reason yet to trust
you don't know where I been walking
don't be actin like we're long lost buds
put away your papers and your leather covered book
I don't want or need your good intentions
in my life
stuff your agenda in a secret place and lose it
I don't see the need you see in me
and I don't care to have you point it out
fact is
if I don't know you
I don't give a flyin flip about your God
I probably have heard of him before or known him long ago
but that was then
I got to deal with now
what he is to you is really none of my affair
and what he is or was to me is none of yours
if you really want to meet me where I am
find out where my heart hangs out
don't assume you know
because the pity breaks into your comfort zone
don't pretend that we're the same
or that I am like the last poor soul you came across
get to know me
it will not be easy
love me
with my wicked ways
live life with me awhile
and see what I see everyday
then introduce me to the one you love
the most
but honestly
by then
I bet we will have already met
your life story don't mean nothing
to my used up heart
I just try to get through each day
and that has to be enough for me
so go away with your big stories
and your promises of rescue
from the life at least I understand
why do I want to trade it for
some unknown world that sounds too good
all I hear are words of empty praise
for a man I never heard of
from a stranger I have no reason yet to trust
you don't know where I been walking
don't be actin like we're long lost buds
put away your papers and your leather covered book
I don't want or need your good intentions
in my life
stuff your agenda in a secret place and lose it
I don't see the need you see in me
and I don't care to have you point it out
fact is
if I don't know you
I don't give a flyin flip about your God
I probably have heard of him before or known him long ago
but that was then
I got to deal with now
what he is to you is really none of my affair
and what he is or was to me is none of yours
if you really want to meet me where I am
find out where my heart hangs out
don't assume you know
because the pity breaks into your comfort zone
don't pretend that we're the same
or that I am like the last poor soul you came across
get to know me
it will not be easy
love me
with my wicked ways
live life with me awhile
and see what I see everyday
then introduce me to the one you love
the most
but honestly
by then
I bet we will have already met
8.18.2011
These days
The days are long these days
and hopefully I swim below the cloudless skies
and wish for wonder but instead find repetition.
Again I think I found the answer
tho the question keeps eluding all my sense of right and wrong.
Does it matter if I judge for pity sakes
and leave the grace and mercy up to God?
Constantly reminded of my lack I pull for shore
the great grey mist my goal.
Can I choose my path by choosing not to follow yours?
Your actions mirror fears I see reflecting back on me.
I do not want your life. I fear it actually.
Your closeness can point out the place
my judgement
of you is really distaste for myself.
Observation and reception
can weigh heavy on my heart.
Your intentions and considerations
tangled under words and tone.
I will not be consumed because you let me down.
Again.
My love for who you are does not completely cover what you do.
Reason is not excuse.
My understanding does not grant you freedom to destroy.
So no, I will not let you batter me.
I will release your life and choice to you and keep mine for myself.
But I will love you still.
Forgiving is a living thing that breathes and sighs and shouts.
Still reaching out
my heart
tho broken
wants to let you in.
Again.
And hopefully the wonder will appear
this time.
and hopefully I swim below the cloudless skies
and wish for wonder but instead find repetition.
Again I think I found the answer
tho the question keeps eluding all my sense of right and wrong.
Does it matter if I judge for pity sakes
and leave the grace and mercy up to God?
Constantly reminded of my lack I pull for shore
the great grey mist my goal.
Can I choose my path by choosing not to follow yours?
Your actions mirror fears I see reflecting back on me.
I do not want your life. I fear it actually.
Your closeness can point out the place
my judgement
of you is really distaste for myself.
Observation and reception
can weigh heavy on my heart.
Your intentions and considerations
tangled under words and tone.
I will not be consumed because you let me down.
Again.
My love for who you are does not completely cover what you do.
Reason is not excuse.
My understanding does not grant you freedom to destroy.
So no, I will not let you batter me.
I will release your life and choice to you and keep mine for myself.
But I will love you still.
Forgiving is a living thing that breathes and sighs and shouts.
Still reaching out
my heart
tho broken
wants to let you in.
Again.
And hopefully the wonder will appear
this time.
11.05.2010
just put me in the crazy box...
Crazy.
I love it. I am it.
My children use that word very cautiously. They know that if they say "that word" I will almost instantaneously break out in song.
"Crazy....I'm crazy for feeling so lonely....I'm crazy...I'm crazy for feeling so bluuuuuuu...."
I kinda do a Patsy Klein/Barbara Streisand/Bette Midler meld voice. It's pretty.
It makes me feel better about myself.
(It also annoys the begeebers out of my children. Secretly I think they kinda like it tho. They just can't say so or they will get their kid card revoked. )
I like to annoy my children. Every mother has to have an outlet. Right? Is that wrong?
Stop it. You know you do the same thing.
OK that was a little off topic.
The topic for today is crazy. What is crazy?
Crazy is that thing that when you do it other people look at you like you are not normal.
Normal being that thing that they are and everyone else is really not.
Normal is a superiority complex. Normal is a navel (as in belly button...not anchors aweigh) gazing exercise designed to make one feel better about oneself.
Normal is a tag that we put on our own idiosyncrasies to help us rise above the rabble. To help us cope. To help us identify with our group.
We are normal. They are like me. I am like them. Together we shall rule the world...mwahahahahahah!!
Sick.
Normal is sick.
Normal is a recipe for inadequacy. It is the enemy in full on battle with your very soul. He calls you out, taunts you, then grabs you by your Achilles heel. "you're not normal".
Don't underestimate this. (yes I am getting on my soapbox)
If he can't make you feel superior by being normal then he will go all out to make you feel either sub-normal...or super-normal.
He will say to you..."you are not normal. Something must be wrong with you. You aren't like the other children."
If you don't buy that one he will go for this one..."you are not like the other children. You are better. You are strong and powerful."
Both of these could be true at the same time. Be assured that both will be played upon. Here is this little gem...
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
It makes you stand tall and say "Heck Yeah!"
(I never say "heck" by the way. I just had to put it in there for emphasis. )
But then, when the wind machine and soft lighting is turned off you are left with a feeling. Deep in your gut. A feeling that somehow you are not that. That you do not really possess a light that anyone can use. That your light is not right... somehow different....not for use to the everyday consumer. You are not normal.
What the stink are you supposed to do with that?
How can you touch that? If you are not afraid of your inadequacy you are afraid of your genius. You have been given a call to be all that you can be. All that you are. But what you are is buried. Or wounded. Or just plain tired. You don't have the energy to be one more thing. Even if it is for the betterment of both yourself and the entire stinkin world.
Seriously.
How, in the normal light of everyday existence, do you put yourself out there in such a way that you change the state of affairs for everyone within your light path.
How? How? HOW!
It is too much pressure.
In trying to rise above we can create a ladder so steep that we become fearful. We grab and grasp at each rung, trying desperately to climb and not fall, and we forget to sing. (what does singing have to do with this?)
I am glad you asked.
"Crazy...I'm crazy for feeling so lonely....I'm crazy....I'm crazy for feeling so bluuuuue"
Let it out honey!
Ok she has really flipped it this time. What is she talking about? (I am right here, I can hear you whispering)
Listen.
Normal is passe. It really doesn't even exist. There is no tangible level of acceptable. We can stop trying to climb above it. We can also stop being afraid of slipping below it.
Normal is word like supercalifragilisticexpealidocious. It is a made up thing. It has no real definition.
If you look it up it says earth shattering things like "not abnormal".
Or you can go for " conforming to the average".
Why. would. you. want. to .strive. for .this??
And, even if you could define average, how would you get there?
Holy cow, I am getting so confused.
If normal is not abnormal and abnormal is that thing that is not normal...I think you see where I am going with this. It cancels itself out. It is not a goal.
If it is not a goal then why do we spend so much time trying to be it?
And why do we hear the enemy constantly trying to tell us how terrible we are for not being it.
And...why, if it doesn't exist, and it is just used to describe the median line of acceptability...why are we so susceptible to the call to rise above yet fear that we are surely irretrievably mired below???
Why do we want to be normal?
I think it is because it feels safe. It feels like home base. A checkpoint.
Lies.
You can't trust this.
If we constantly compare ourselves to the standards of others we are liars and cheats.
There can be no comparison between us.
There is no normal, people.
You can group yourselves up into likes and dislikes...physical attributes...body odor or toenail length for all I care but you cannot go around telling people "this is normal and that is not".
Shoot...now I have to change all my ways of thinking. I do think this way. Even in defining myself as crazy I am toeing the party line that I am outside of normal. Gahhhh!
Yet, I like the word crazy. I like the connotation. I like the quirk. Crazy is not knowing exactly what might be said or done. It is unnerving. It is unsettling. It is weird.
But in an acceptable normal kind of way, yes?
NO!
See I was trying to trick you.
You fell for it.
I want you to love me for me. Not because I am that crazy one. Not because I am outside of normal or inside of normal.
Just because I am me. And you like that about me.
So if I want to be neurotic...or self absorbed...or easily overwhelmed...or if I want to sing loudly...or go to therapy for my repressed emotional baggage...or believe that God created this banana just for the pleasure I get in eating it...
if I want to wear no makeup....or only play board games with non competitive people...or not go to organized church...or have really passionate opinions about the way cardboard smells....love me.
This is mostly about being yourself. Being myself. Not some fantasy about putting myself out there for people to love and admire and aspire to. No. Just being.
I am really big on this. Being. Not striving or attaining or failing.
How can you fail at being??
Accepting that what you are, what you have, what you can put out or keep in, is enough. Being comfortable to be honest about your stuff. Laughing...or crying... at that stuff as you juggle the dailies. Love yourself.
**I feel I must put in a disclaimer here....just for clarity....this is all about Jesus. All of it. He is the air that I breathe. I am not uber Christian. This blog is not about my daily scripture reading. It would be fine if that was the case...but it isn't. Jesus. None of this that I am talking about it possible without Him. None of it. Questions? Ask me about Him and I will tell you what I know. I really really really dig Him. **
The Creator of the universe made you stunningly marvelous. You are not normal. You are not abnormal.
You are you.
Love yourself for who you are.
Love me for what I am.
You can even hate me for that matter.
Just don't box me.
Then again...if you must box me....
I will take the crazy box. Fits like a glove.
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