could be anything. might be nothing. might make you think. could make you wish I would stop.
breathe people...everything is easier when you breathe!


Peace out.

I think I might throw up before this is all said and done.
You know that sweaty hands, shakey in the mid-section, air too thin to breathe place...that's me.
I feel this way because I am about to tell you what I really think.
And I am going to try to do it without any snark.

I might hurt myself.

I have been so distressed by so many things in life lately. Most of the distress comes from facebook. that seems shallow but  it is what it is. Facebook is my connection to the outside world. If I get off of facebook I have my sweet little family. They do not distress me.
I orchestrate my life to be as stress free as possible. I do not watch the news. I do not have tv. I do not follow the trending links on my computer. I live in a quiet little neighborhood where I know all my neighbors by name. the clerks in the stores know my name because I have a set routine and I almost never wander from it. I am a creature of habit and I crave peace.
I do not live in such a way that you would think that I was anything other than the most mousey, complacent, Jesus loving, mini-van driving, homeschooling mommy. I wear long skirts and birkenstocks, people.. I have no tattoos.
My cuss words up until a few months ago consisted of crap, and gosh.
(I am learning to use the word in big ass...dumb ass...asinine...)
You think I am being snarky but I am dead on serious.

this is my outside. My insides bubble a little hotter.
Inside, I am a stick it to the man, go against the status quo, rage against the storm, hippy.
If society welcomes it then I will most assuredly suspect it as a matter of principle.
I am cynical.
I am short tempered toward anyone or anything that displays a sheep mentality.
I am arrogant and prejudiced against individuals who refuse to think for themselves.
I judge.
but I probably won't show you these things unless you walk closely enough with me to see that I raise my right eyebrow a tiny bit and my pupils blow out when I get angry.
(my husband told me this...I thought I had it hidden)

I would probably tell you that in general I don't like people. As in plural. People. Groups. But I do like people. Persons. Individuals. There is this thing in my heart that loves to hear a person with their story. It affects me. they affect me. So much so that my heart will melt and I can slide into a depression over their pain. I actually have to guard my heart against this.
Unless... unless that person and their pain is treading on someone else. then I tend to go with the underdog. If i find that you are messing with someone and being mean,
 well I will think about sticking my foot so far up your get my drift.

So this distress on comes from my friends. I have spent my life in the circles of conservative, evangelical, American, chirstians.  my friends...yes, they are mostly church going, bible thumping, Jesus defending pains in the... neck.
(you can see why I am learning to use the word ass...just so many applications) snark intended.

My friends have been very vocal about the issue of gay marriage. they have made no bones about speaking for God and making sure that everyone knows how  He feels about those gays getting married. I don't mind them having their opinions. Truly. It is actually quite safe for that christian group to call out the sin of that gay group. I don't really like groups anyway so have at it. Even if it bothered me a little bit I could just not think about it too much and let it pass on by.
But then something began to nag at my heart.
As people started talking more about this issue, especially about the similar issue and decision to let gay members into the boy scout organization it started to come closer and closer to home.
My home.
My children running around as my mom friends talked about this horrible ungodly state of society.
My children listening with their super power hearing as the words and feelings flung hate and intolerance around the playroom.
My children assuming that I felt like that too because I didn't say anything.
It began to nag my heart that I was teaching by example and the example I was setting was one of tolerance for injustice.

If I am going to teach ain't gonna be centered around keeping my peace while people get trampled in the self-righteous dust from the journeys of a thousand ignorant proof-texters.
Nothing in that sentence was loving. Or tolerant.

I honestly feel that if you think that you have a right to keep the gay community in its place by labeling them with very biblical names like sinner and fornicator you might as well take up using the word nigger.
Take that any direction you want.

I started looking at my children and wondering what would change for me if one of them grew up and told me he was gay. What would happen to my heart if one of my precious children came to me in fear and loathing because he was terrified to tell me about something he had been burdened with since he was big enough to realize that he did not fit in with his brothers. What if my words and actions laid down a foundation of hate that kept my child, the love of my life, in a place of anguish because he knew that my principles could not allow us to fellowship in heart even tho I said "I love you" every day.
I think that I decided right then to change my behavior. I decided to stop looking at this group, and start looking at individuals. when I did that my heart began to break.
I realized that not speaking but letting the vocal majority have their say was the same, in the hearts of my children, as my agreement.
As a grownup I know that silence is not always consent...but to a is the same.

I realized that my silence was actually telling my children, that finger pointing christian position is ok. It is right. I agree.
Sometimes, you need to speak up.

I have friends that are gay. to my knowledge none of them are wanting to get married. but I guarantee you that their christian walk will get easier the minute christianity as a whole (or enough individuals that love completely) can look at them with the same respect they give that elder who recently "confessed" his porn addiction.
And this is a big stupid ass-umption on my part because I just lumped them in with all the detestable sexually impure...and that is really really offensive to many of my friends. I am sorry for that.

My point is respect. Looking at people and seeing their worth. Not their sin...real or perceived.

christians have genuine fear about opening a pandora's box if we let gay people get married. I think that if you want to go with that fear you need to accept that we started that release of mischief the moment we condoned interracial marriage. I am sure there were very sincere individuals that thought such things would surely lead to the degradation of the nation. We do have a black president now. One thing leads to another. I am positive that giving equal rights led to the position we are in today.
I see how this makes people feel very very afraid.
If we give equality to the gay people we are in fact starting down a road where more and more things will be accepted as a normal part of life.
Yes, that is called social evolution. We progress. We move on. Not all the next things are positive, but we can and should deal with those as they come up instead of crying like a bunch of babies about the sharks in the water...there are bridges...and boats to be had for this crossing.
I have heard arguements about how this could lead to child endangerment. Sex with animals. Polygamy. Muslem domination.
Like that isn't happening already??

I think I have talked ad nauseum about if this is sin or not. My just. doesnt. matter. It doesnt matter what I think about it. I need to see my married gay neighbors as neighbors. I need to see them as persons to be respected.
I might need to face my upbringing and tell it simmer down.

what is the alternative? Get as christian uppity as you want...the reality is that the gay lifestyle will be soon be accepted as a "normal" part of American society. You can either avert your eyes and cover your innocent children as you mumble things about detestable to God or you can learn to look in love at two people showing affection.
Stone me now.
I am not talking about anything perverse. Just a kiss...or a don't have to see that as disgusting no matter how you feel about what is happening in the privacy of their home.
Feel free to teach your children right and wrong as you see it. But you cannot continue to go through life trying not to throw up around people who do things you disagree with.

Let me try and come at this from a different direction. A very personal direction.
I have women in my life that live together as roommates. they are heterosexual. Not gay. they love each other immensely. Sisters. Sometimes people think they are gay.
There is no sex going on!
do I want society, and the church, to look down on my friends because they think they are gay?
Actually, society probably accepts them without much question except to wish they would just come out already.
they are not gay.
there are probably those in the church that pray for them in their gayness.

Now, for this next part, let's pretend that my friends are gay. 
Let's take these two friends who have lived together for longer than many of my heterosexual friends have been married...lets say that one of them gets sick...the other one wants to be able to know about her friends condition but she cannot because she is not the "spouse".
Or, one friend wants to give a large sum of money to the other. the other one will be heavily taxed on this gift...but not if they are married.

Just a stupid thought...I think that legally you should be able to declare anyone as your "significant other" to recieve all the benefits of a spouse.
If you even begin to whine about commitments and mocking the marriage system I will most certainly shove the divorce statistics right up your a....

As far as these women getting respect from the christian community, I don't know why they would even care any more. But let's say they do care deeply. they love Jesus. they do not think that their committed relationship is wrong in His eyes. they want to live in peace. together. and in their community.
I think that the church has every right to judge them and hold them accountable to every word of the bible.
As soon as the preacher looses 50lbs. And the nursery ladies stop gossiping. And the home groups stop hosting margarita night. And the deacons stop lying about when that church picnic will be rescheduled. And has anyone see our headscarves...cuz really.
Ok..that might have been snarky.

Until everyone in the church is ready to get real with their schniggt there should be no more telling each other what God wants.
Unless, you can do it in love. On an individual basis. when they ask if you would speak into their lives.
Otherwise...shut it.

I am afraid of 1 Corinthians. Paul talks about turning people over to satan. That scares me.
but you know what...I think that maybe Paul was full of it.
Snark that is.
I think that he was very very very tired of listing out the sins. I think he talks to these folks like a frustrated father and says..."I already told you this, why can't you deal with it?"
He talks about sexual immorality. And he lists it with a lot of other things. And he says the mysterious thing...he tells them to turn that stinky sinner over to the devil and let God judge him.
Seems harsh. Again...I suspect he was being a little snarky in his sincerity. that poor sinner was better off being put out than living within the bounds of the church and their righteous judgement.

I KNOW that is going to rile you and I am ok with that.

All I am saying is that we don't understand. And until we do, we might want to be a little more quiet.

I know I have not begun to cover all the points in this issue. I really just wanted to talk about a few that get me riled up. I hope that you see that I am giant enormous bag of wind. I don't have it all figured out.
I just want you to think about some things with me. Don't follow me cuz I am so cool.
No more herd mentality. 
Just allow my questions to spark some of your own.

I can only hope that I have NOT somehow managed to offend everyone on the planet.
Peace on you.


I love you. Period.

I think it should be enough to say "I love you", without having to add "but I don't approve of what you do".

I am continually amazed that the christian mentality seems to equate love with either pity or perfection. think about it...
You pity that person in sin. On a good day you love them in spite of it.
On a perfect day you love them out of it.

I think that Jesus loves them in it.
Now let's take it closer to home. Jesus doesn't just love them in it...He loves me in it.
We won't take time right now to discuss saint/sinner/redeemed. Let it be enough for this discussion to say that I do still sin. Therefore, I am a sinner. Redeemed, yes. But that is not my point right this minute.
Jesus loves me in my sin.
His love does not wait for me to change. He looks at me smack where I am and accepts me there.
In sin.
Without ever covering me up with how much of a screw up I am or how much he disapproves of me.
He doesn't talk to me that way. The scriptures that I have been taught to cherish don't read that way anymore....but they used to.
What changed?
I was raised to revere the bible as the Holy Scripture...the Holy Word of God...the only way that God spoke. All I needed for living was in that book. And believe me, it was full of rules and regulations about life.  The life instruction book.  That is how christians see it. ok that is fine.
Trouble is, in my experience, once you have a written set of rules/instructions you tend to get busy telling other people how to go about things. You figure that you have the authority to go messin in other people's lives. You poke your nose in. In their best interest of course.
In love.
Problem with that is that it is none of your business. It is God's business.
At some point, and Glory to God Hallelujah! I realized that it is not my job to change people. Not my job even when I love them dearly and want them to change. Not my job when they are bugging the crap out of me with their incessant sinning. Not my job when I am super right and they are dead wrong.

I can't think of a place where He told me to take the written word and go make sure that everyone is following it.

Let's look at this another way. If you put aside the written scripture for a minute what do you have left? Could you exist without it?
Do you trust the Holy Spirit of God enough to instruct you if you had no access to the written word?

We do it every day you know. We who have been raised in the church, who know those scriptures by heart, we walk without it all the time. We misquote it, manipulate it to fit our personal preference, disregard entire sections... How do we survive?
Well, mostly we walk around with our heads hung low as we wallow in muck and feel the disapproval of God. Just a bunch of screw ups. Unworthy.
The scripture we know has been drilled into us and set around us as a barbed wire fence. Stay inside.
Death beyond these lines. Here be monsters.
We walk afraid.
Our security feels sketchy at best because we continually look for breaks in the fence. Even in the moments that we feel secure we terrorize others with messages of death.
Don't do that or you will die! Be afraid!
Yet in the scriptures that we have been taught to revere, we see the messages about freedom, and easy burdens, and light and good news.
Why do these get so convoluted with the how to's and what for's?
How does freedom become a death threat?
Even in the places in scripture where there is instruction, it is continually wrapped up in bow of good news.

These men were dealing with some hard stinky human fallacy yet they repeatedly told people to remember that their reward was waiting. They told people to hold on and to rejoice. They encouraged people walk in the freedom that had already been bought and paid for them. For their future. For their now.
Still, we christians take these words and use them to  illustrate our depravity.
Love waiting for us to get it all together. Here is how to do it, so do it, moron. Jesus loves you, it's not brain surgery, why can't you get it right?
We talk about grace sometimes. Sometimes we even mean it. Still, hurdling that fence...only the bravest will even try it.
I want to realize each day the newness of God loving me right where I am.
Even when I am testing His mercy and dancing way outside the borders of the barbed wire.
Especially when I believe more than anything that His love depends on that fence...and my staying safely inside.

The words "I love you, but" were never uttered by God.

I put to you today the challenge to love. Period. And I ain't gonna lie to is gonna suck. Hurt bad. Exquisite pain in the name of Jesus.
It is going to rip your heart in two to have to love someone in their sin.
Just forget the words condone and approve.

Trust God...who defines Himself as Love... to do all the work that your "not condoning" can't get done.

Trust Love to rush in and bind and heal and restore all the places that you don't approve of.

Believe that it is enough to Love God and Love others as you love yourself. (yeah, that is the tricky part)

Here is some instruction for you...stop telling everybody what to do, or not do.
(you see the irony here don't you) 

I can only speak for my journey. All the places where I said "christians", and "you" and "them"...I meant me.
I am talking to myself here but you can listen in.
Actually, the following words are not me...they come from my Love.

I love you. Period.