could be anything. might be nothing. might make you think. could make you wish I would stop.
breathe people...everything is easier when you breathe!


trust issues

Realizations of trust issues don't come easy.
I can say all day and night that I trust God in my inner core- but I think that must be a lie.
Trust built upon an elaborate foundation of the right thing to say.
I know how to think it...and even how to say it...but honestly- I do not know if I mean it.

Honestly, I don't even really know what trust means.

I have said it is my core. My base. And I thought it was my foundation.
I trust You, God. Whatever. No worries.
I always just stopped there. Let the words be enough.
But I am finding a deeper place. It goes beyond the good words. It reaches to places where it seems that trust may not be enough.

I found out a long time ago that you can't trust humans. They have proven to be full of it.
Full of good intentions. Delusions. Lies. Either they don't want to hurt you so they keep the truth from you. Or they want to hurt you so they twist the truth like a knife. Intentional or accidental, they prove themselves untrustworthy.
There was a point where I believed that being trustworthy was THE thing that mattered.
Then I realized that God loved me.
Even tho I, myself, was massively untrustworthy.
Trust wasn't the final thing.
I felt very free knowing that I could love others without having to trust them. I could put all my trust into the Creator. He was ultimately the only one that could be trusted. He deserved it.
So began my trust in God.
Really, truly, deeply I trusted. He got me through some verrry dark days. His promises always came true.
I trust you God. I trust that things will work out for my good. I trust that you have this all under control. I was full of trust.
And I loved Him for that.
I loved God for taking care of me.
I loved Him for always having the answers and wrapping things up neatly at the end.
I trusted that He knew when I didn't. And I was ok with that.

I'm not ok with that anymore.

I am finding that there is a deeper place than trusting that it will all work out.
There is a place where I am afraid that it won't work out. At least not in a way that I understand.
It goes dark places where there are honestly moments that I wonder if He can even get to me.
Can He see me? Can He hear me? Can He love me in this dark stink?

I go down in sometimes and fear there is no end to my doubt.

I just can't seem to get to the bottom of it all.
You see, there is this part that says, "CRAP! this is crap and even tho you say you care, you leave me hanging.
Are you weak?
Is the running of the world so much more important than my current need?
Are you there?"

I yelled at Him. "This just feels terrible! Terrible to say. Worst to feel. I know you know but I hate hate hate that it's there."
And in that moment... I felt different.
A realization I guess. A kiss from Heaven. As I sat surrounded by my doubt and my self-loathing for having that doubt, I realized that while I hated that part of me,
He didn't.
I do hate the part of me that feels weak and empty and doubtful. He doesn't.

"God! I hate this insipid fear. I want it out of me. I think that even tho you love me with the deepest love I think you must despise this part."
You don't.

That thought in itself is quite amazing you know. That you know the very depths of my darkest place and you don't hate it.
Don't hate me for feeling it.
All the negative things-embraced.
How can the God- my God- embrace all the yuck that I feel? How can He...You, put His arms around my doubt and fear and mis-trust and give it a big sloppy kiss?

This is more than just cleaning up my vomit.
This Papa-Mama-climbing down into the vomit pit- the slime hole of doubt and fear and mis-trust and anger and spewage that I have slipped into-
and kissing my sewer encrusted face.
Without wiping it off first.

This is King of the Whole World stepping into my crappy hovel of fright and worry (cuz that is where I am living at this moment)
and sitting cross legged on my crusty floor eating the food, my food, that is crawling with bugs and nasties.
And asking for seconds.

This is not just "Let me clean you up baby girl. Let me rescue you and make it all better."

This is -  "Let me love you here.With what you have to offer. All of you. Every bit. Precious."

I serve Him crapcakes...and He eats them.
It's the best I've got right now. The only thing.
And believe me when I tell you, they ain't served up on a silver platter.

Crapcakes of fear-rage-anxiety-inability and unwillingness to believe thrown in His face.
Again. and again.
or served by me, crawling face down-palms up, with the hope that He sees and will be merciful.
Because even tho I know he ALWAYS IS...I sometimes still feel very small and crouching even lower seems to help me feel secure.

He is very big.
Sometimes more than I think I can take.
And yet...

It settles me and makes me giggle to see the picture of myself.

HURLING my crapcakes at Him
OFFERING on my best broken china or my empty opened hand
HOARDING either fearful or defiant, "you can't have thissss"

And in every picture I see Him.
I see His face with soft inviting eyes look at me.
I hear His voice gentle as He whispers-
            "whatcha got? May I share?"

I wonder at a God that is so secure in His abundance that my lack doesn't scare Him.

I wonder at a God so in control that He finds no need to hurry.
He loves me first in these places of dark that continue to surprise me.
I didn't know that they were there.
But He did. And they don't scare Him.
I believe that He loves them. Because they are mine. And sometimes they are all I have to offer.

Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that He wants me to stay in those dark places. But He loves me there. Treasures me there.
And in His time, when the dark is gone and the wounds are healed He will kiss those scars and we will weep with gladness, together. Because we shared that battle.
He knows.

So what am I learning about trust?
Today I think that I am learning that it really doesn't matter. Not to Him.
If I need it, He will honor it.
If it is broken, He will rebuild matter how long it takes.
And on the days where I have none and I spew vile things that He does not deserve, He will stay.
He will wait.
He will love.