I left the church officially 6 years ago. My exit happened fast and first. My man was a little confused. A little hurt. I just could not stomach another "worship service". I could not face putting my children in another bible class where afterwards I would feel the need to debrief them to see if they had been taught any lies about my Lord and His love for them. I just quit.
My man kept going. He faced the looks. He became the spouse that is to be pitied because their significant other has tanked. He wondered why I could not just go and only pretend to listen. I couldn't. Not if he wanted a sane wife.
So it came to this...I could go and just shut down my heart. No discussions about the things that bothered me. No family debrief at the lunch table. Just get my butt in the seat.
I felt that if I did this I would soon be a powder keg one hallelujah away from standing up in the middle of church and exploding years of pent up angst all over those believers.
Maybe I should have done just that.
My husband decided that he would like to keep the spark in my eyes. I honestly do not know if I convinced him to quit going. I didn't try to. He had been raised to believe that you had to go to church. You had to. If you wanted to be a Christian you had to go to church. I was raised that way too. I had long ago faced down the thought that this thing we called church could not possibly be what was meant. My man was not convinced. But eventually he quit too.
We were done.
We actually thought we would go on to another church body. We waited for the Lord to direct us. Every Sunday that passed seemed stranger...and more comfortable.
People, I don't feel like I have words to make you understand. You probably wont.
Unless you just do.
Being out of church is the hardest and best thing I have ever experienced.
Sometimes I miss it terribly. It was all I have ever known. Security. This is what we do. We go to church.
I have already talked about how I didn't go to church for years. But that was slinking around sowing my wild oats don't let daddy find out skipping church.
This.
Deep breath.
This was/is grown up choosing to be absent from the gathering of the body of believers.
This is forsaking the assembly people!
I feel free. Free-er to love and be loved. Free to be me. Unchained.
I like me better here. I used to bust against those chains. Trying either to break free or to gather enough sustenance to live within their constraints. Neither was possible.
I was not meant to live in chains.
When I first got out I felt bad. Dirty. Wrong.
But it felt delicious also. There was this warm delightful feeling that began to creep in. I have written much about it. It is a feeling of true love.
Not obligation. Not should have. Not if only.
It is that thing that I know on one level with my mate. I look into his eyes and in that moment nothing else matters. I am here with you. That is all. That is so not all.
I know that not all of you have that feeling with a mate. But you know it. You know when you get in a moment with someone and everything else just goes away. It is that.
These words fail miserably.
I could hardly ever get to that place while I was bound to "church". I had everybody and their ideas and interpretations so heavy on my heart that I could not look up. Life was too treacherous. Too many ways to screw it up. Too many ways to fail. Sure there was grace and all that but I could not understand. the scriptures as I had been taught them did not make sense.
Grace and mercy seemed only available when I had done everything I could do to live by the rules and had fallen short.
The trouble with that...I was really really super good at following the rules. I followed all the rules and they did not ease the desperation in my heart for something I could actually feel.
They did not make me love Him. They certainly did not convince me that He loved me.
All I could see was another and another and another way to suck so that He could swoop in and make it all better.
I am not saying that this is the same for you. This is how it was for me. Hear me!
When I got away from everybody else's truth, God's truth for me had room to grow in my heart.
I could see it and feel it. For the first time.
I could make use of it in my life. Applicable to living. Not just for going to heaven.
There had been moments of this before. But they always ended hours after the last conference session. I learned the difference between living under an "open heaven" and the rest of the time when I was obviously needing to "be filled". I learned over time to push really hard for "breakthrough". But really all I felt was constipated and I just went around birthing turds all day. I was a mess. Demons around every corner. Satan out to stop God's good and perfect will for me.
I became quite adept at emasculating the Creator of the Universe every time I went to battle for him.
But it felt so good in those juicy little moments of complete heavenly immersion. Glory.
Glory covered by rules. Recipes for success. Methods lined out to get to that next level.
More rules.
They are gone too. And that is hard. I lost the rules that protected me. and the power that empowered me. All I have left is vulnerability and weakness.
And that is where He finds me. That is where He loves me.
I don't have to be strong or good.
Maybe some people find that in church. Some people don't need to find that, I am sure.
I can't go on hating church. It is what it is. but it is not good for me. I think that I am not alone in this.
God can handle His church. He will call some to be loud for reform. Others He will lead out to do other things.
Heretical things that go against everything they have been taught about being good and right.
This is not new.
What I am learning right now...
-if I want to live in freedom, I need to let others live there too. I have to let them be free to live in bondage if they want to...or need to.
-my truth is not necessarily going to match your truth. This does not mean it is not truth.
Remember the story about the five blind men that had to describe an elephant based on the part each man could feel with his hands. Each man came up with a completely different description of that elephant. All were right. And all were wrong.
-God can be unchanging without interacting the same with everyone. It is stupidity (in my opinion) to think that the way God blesses me will work the same for you if you just walk the right walk or pray the right prayer or cast the right spell. (yes...I went there )
My husband would go to jail if he interacted with my children the same way that he interacts with me. But he is not changing who he is or being ingenuine to treat each of us differently.
I believe, with my whole heart, that God can guide guard and direct two of us in two completely opposite directions based on the exact same scripture or vision or leading. And they both be right.
-I believe that God has most definitely NOT left those shriveled up little churches that all the progressive Holy Spirit mighty wind-ers have declared dead. God is there. And He is working. And we need to shut up about things we know nothing about.
Me, most definitely, included.
You know this is not all. It can't be.
Please ask me more. Are you scared for me? Did I leave you hanging in that one part? This was hard to get out. So much. It is a big story.
I hope you are one that needs to know that you are not alone. You are not alone! You are not crazy and you are not going to be picked off by the enemy like a lone little sheep. Your Papa has got this! He has not left you...in church or out.
love you
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
12.04.2013
12.03.2013
Leaving...a jet plane would have been easier
I just listened to a podcast. Just a couple of guys talking about life and community and walking with God. I liked it. They seemed genuine. Felt genuine to my heart. Two guys, hanging out and sharing that with me.
Nice.
I liked that they did not tell me how to do anything. I liked that they were open enough to call a gift a gift without some self-deprecating mumbo jumbo. I liked that they seem to be fast on a road trip through that wonderful land of not knowing what is next. A pilgrimage they call it.
That is where I hang out. I feel lonely in this place sometimes...er...mostly. I like the thought of having some buddies for the journey.
Before I forget...here is the link.
http://pilgrimagepodcast.buzzsprout.com/
Commercial over. That wasn't so painful.
Now I want to talk a little bit. I know, surprises never cease.
They said it was a conversation so I am conversing.
If you have been following along you are not shocked to see that I, too, have been on a pilgrimage. Over time I have spit out bits and pieces of it in such a way that you may have wondered at the state of my salvation.
Welcome to the club.
I wonder if today, seeded by these pilgrims, I could give you a short (stop laughing) road map of the where-i've-beens so that you might not be quite so scared for me and the fact that I have absolutely no idea about the where-i'm-goings.
Ready?
I am a pk/missionary kid. Generations strong in the church of Christ. We don't drink, we don't chew, we don't go with boys that do. We also don't dance or have instruments in our church buildings. We take communion every Sunday. We know that Jesus wasn't really born on Christmas and will fight you for it.
We also feel quite positive that you are going to hell if you haven't been baptized, although if you are on the brink of death and you have a disease where you cannot get wet or you have broken every bone in your body and cannot be immersed and you die before you get dunked...well, we will just leave that up to Jesus.
He has a special circumstances file that is way beyond our understanding.
You see what I have been up against.
I was that kid that never took to the status quo. When the preacher said that we (c of C) had the truth, I wondered if the denominations (of which we were definitely NOT) thought the same thing.
If they thought they had the truth...and we thought we had the truth...and we seemed by all outward appearances to serve the same Jesus...then who in the hell had the truth?!
Never in your wildest dreams would I have said that out loud.
My mom got sick one Sunday morning and then she felt good enough later to go to evening services. Obviously, she had not taken communion that morning. As was usual, they called everyone up front to have communion that night "if you had missed the opportunity of communing with the Lord that morning".
She stayed in her seat.
I thought sure she was going to go to hell. Lightning at the very least.
Nothing. Not even a rumble from the heavens.
She told me later that she had communed with the Lord that day. And it didn't involve grape juice and a little cracker.
Troublemaker she was.
This began a long journey for me. A journey of "who said?", "what for", and especially "why the hell not?!"
Again, I am just flexing my grown up ability to cuss here. I never would have uttered such things. Back then my cuss words were Jiminy Cricket, oh my goodness, and cripes sakes. Jiminy Cricket got called down because it had the initials JC which we all know means Jesus Christ so that is cussing in that you are using "by-words" so that is not ok.
But I still said it when nobody was around.
So, I grew up there. In that fantasy land of right and good.
Then I went to college. Christian college. At that time I only knew about secular colleges (all the others) and christian colleges (York, Harding, Lubbock, Oklahoma Christian, Abeline, and Pepperdine). Those last two had kind of strayed in some of their liberal teaching but you could go there if you were good and grounded...just had to be careful.
I did not even know that other churches had schools that belonged to them. I really thought that this was the extent of the christian colleges. You can laugh now.
I went to York College. York Christian College. York Church of Christ College where other people from other churches went but we didn't talk about that. (hopefully we can be a good influence on them tho)
Chapel every day. Mandatory.
Church every Sunday. Strongly encouraged but nobody taking roll.
Guilt trip for missing "worship", understood.
It didn't take me long to figure out that if I got up at 11 on Sunday, I could shower and put on my dress and pantyhose and get to the lunch line just on time.
"Hey, I didn't see you in church today?!"
Obviously I was there cuz...pantyhose...helloooo.
After a few months I stopped with the dress up sham and just came in sweats like the other losers that skipped church. That group got bigger and bigger every Sunday.
Other than pesky church attendance I was the almost perfect christain college girl. I went to bible classes (mandatory) and other classes and most of the devo's where they sang the disco jesus songs. I was a good girl. I got involved in all the campus activities. (all the nice mentionable ones) I made runner up to Miss YC. Runner up because I didn't make the grades. (They told me this so I could change my ways. )
My friend didn't make the cut to be Mr. YC.
He had the grades and all the right things but he still didn't make it...rumor said it was because he was a Methodist. That didn't feel right but what are you gonna do? Protest? Did the rules say you had to be a member of the church?
Church being understood as THE church of Christ. The one true. The only. The church. (Uncapitalized in proper humility.)
My questioning heart was peering intently down the road marked destruction. I was questioning everything. I was cohabitating with people that were confusing me. Christians (church of Christ members) that were into every kind of mischief. Baptists and Methodists that seemed to have their heads on straight. Church had always been dry as toast for me but my family was perpetually in leadership so I figured I would get into it when I grew up.
Now, I was growing up and church was dryer that I had imagined possible. Hard to swallow.
It was all I had ever known. I might question, butI never entertained the thought of not being a part of it.
Besides, I only went once in a while. I could just ignore it.
Until that Sunday when one of the basketball players came forward to be baptized but the preacher refused to do it because he hadn't had the proper "so you want to be a christian" bible study course. Refused, in front of the whole congregation, to let that guy have access to the body of Christ.
Refused to open to him the gates of heaven because he didn't know enough about how to give his life to Jesus.
And so it begins.
I had been slowly strolling on the road to heresy. Now I was at a calorie burning jog.
How dare that preacher judge that boys heart and his commitment?
I didn't understand. Still don't.
My church attendance actually picked up when I started dating my man. (I don't think you ever go to church so much as when you feel guilty about the state of your purity. )
I could sit beside him and stare at the baptistry and never listen to a word the preacher said.
That hot body next to me was way worth it.
We prayed before and after every make out session. Just like all good christians should.
Then we married, we set off for the big city and Oklahoma Christian University.
Early marriage was a hit and miss for church going. Big college churches hurt my heart. I was a grown-up now and knew I needed to be in the pew every time the doors opened. But I could not find my seat. Nobody knew my name. I was as lonely as the other 1000 people in that building. And I smiled just as big through it all.
Life at home was hard that first year. Struggles with the should's and the I don't have to's. Marrying my faith to my husbands faith was way harder than toilet paper orientation or toothpaste lid negotiations. We finally just gave up. Stopped going to church. Stopped feeling guilty about it. Got way happier in our lives together. Didn't go back until we decided that our kids needed to be in church. (Plus we were scared that Grampa was going to ask someone about the 10 commandments and our cover would be blown.)
We made it through church for the next 10 years. Tried on a couple of c of c styles. Got away from the big college churches and were really blessed with some small congregations that knew us and liked us and let us be a part. That was sweet. We had little kids that got to go to bible class. They did craft thingys. We dabbled in some more progressive congregations and we learned about the Holy Spirit. Conferences about hearing God and doing great things for Him. Kingdom manifestos. Army of the Lord. Blazing Faith. Instrumental music. Women on the church stage.
I was allowed to ask questions. Everybody was asking questions.
This was life changing.
We got soaked in the move of God that we believed was the only real deal.
And then I saw a man dance in church. Right up in front. And I watched after church when another man came up and told him "you've been warned before, we don't do that here."
And my jog became a full on sprint.
Someday I might tell you more about that dancing story. It is a lot to unpack. Honestly, it has been hard to sprint this road with that suitcase packed like it is. Soon that spring lock will burst, exploding pent up emotions all over the highway...and then I will run like the wind...but for now it just is what it is...a load of locked up crap. I will get the key soon enough. When my heart is ready.
We stayed at that church a while longer. I watched it curl in on itself. I believed at the time that God left. (I don't believe that anymore.)
Leaving was hard but we just couldn't stay in a place that "God had left".
If He was leaving...so were we.
We visited a few places for a few months but that was too stressful. God led us. Not for the first time but now I was better at listening and following. I know He led us because we ended up at the very place I swore I would not go. ( I hate it when He does that. )
That was a lovely place. A big place.Full of lovely people. But we had a calling and it felt so good to be "allowed" to use our gifts.
I am going to use the words -for a season- because that is what it was. For a season we thrived. For a season we grew and felt love and acceptance and useful. And then it seemed to just stop. I do not know the spiritual ramp up to this. Everything was fine. And then it just wasn't.
No anger. No hard feelings. Just "time to go".
In my heart I feel sure that it was God's leading that got us to that point. After I heard/felt that call I saw things begin to manifest that were not good for us and our little family. Things that were not present before. (Or that I did not see before?)
Lots of things I wonder about. I wonder if we would have been spared some pain if we had left immediately. Then, I see how good God is to us to have spoken to our hearts so clearly BEFORE all hell broke loose. We knew His presence and when He opened the door we were packed and ready to go. When we left, we did so with whole hearts. I try to hold onto that.
After we left it got harder. We had been in leadership positions there. At one point we were small group leaders. We helped in the children's ministry. We had children in 4 different age group classes. We were deeply involved. But it was a large and growing church. When we left we were not missed. And that hurt deeply. Still hurts. Nobody called. If they wondered where we had gone they were too busy to find out. It is the way with big churches. It is not right.
Our next and final stop was to return to the church we had left years before. That shocked us to the core but again, we felt directly led. If you have ever felt directly led then you understand me when I say that I went to a place I did not want to go, with such complete peace and security that I did not even question the rightness of the decision for one moment. I don't guess it always works that way but I love it when it does.
I hate it when you seemingly have no leading and your wants and needs get all mixed up until you feel like you could explode. Also been there, done that.
When I got back to this church it was like Norm walking into Cheers. Everybody knew my name. It was exactly what I needed. And it felt soooo good. I felt sure that this church had changed. That everything was going to be alright. That we were home to stay.
I have never known pain like I felt at the hands of those beautiful people that I still love so much.
I feel certain that we were led back to this place to be support for a dear friend. This friend was mutilated and humiliated by the organizational structure of this church body. Those are strong, strong words but they are my truth. I feel sure that without someone there to stand beside, this person would have been convinced and convicted of being psychologically crazy and spiritually possessed.
I am thankful to God to have been able to be there at that time.
I did not stay long in that place. I am glad to be gone. Of course the problem surrounding my friend was not the only issue at this body. It was just one of many.
The thing that sent me out and locked the door on my return was the sure message being taught to my teen daughter. The message was this...
We have the truth. If your commitment is not here with us, you are being misled. We are your family. You should be here even if your parents say otherwise. You are old enough to choose for yourselves. If you are not here...you are missing God.
Buh-bye.
You know how the road runner just leaves a puff of smoke. Yeah.
I want to end this here. But this is not the end. I have left the organizational structure that people have come to call the church. I would very much like to talk about how that feels and what it means.
pray for me people.
I will post the next chapter tomorrow.
http://free2b2much.blogspot.com/2013/12/elephant-in-room.html
If you want to read more...
Look to the left < just above the fishes and see the labels. Click on church and maybe angst to see more of my journey.
Here is the one that really says why I left...
http://free2b2much.blogspot.com/2011/06/jumping-ship.html
This is a really hateful one...
http://free2b2much.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-hate-churchand-i-am-not-bitter-about.html
Here is one on forgiveness that I might want to read again...
http://free2b2much.blogspot.com/2011/09/it-is-not-ok.html
Or this one because I love it...
http://free2b2much.blogspot.com/2011/01/dancing-before-lord.html
Then again...all this is me. Go for it...I dare ya.
Nice.
I liked that they did not tell me how to do anything. I liked that they were open enough to call a gift a gift without some self-deprecating mumbo jumbo. I liked that they seem to be fast on a road trip through that wonderful land of not knowing what is next. A pilgrimage they call it.
That is where I hang out. I feel lonely in this place sometimes...er...mostly. I like the thought of having some buddies for the journey.
Before I forget...here is the link.
http://pilgrimagepodcast.buzzsprout.com/
Commercial over. That wasn't so painful.
Now I want to talk a little bit. I know, surprises never cease.
They said it was a conversation so I am conversing.
If you have been following along you are not shocked to see that I, too, have been on a pilgrimage. Over time I have spit out bits and pieces of it in such a way that you may have wondered at the state of my salvation.
Welcome to the club.
I wonder if today, seeded by these pilgrims, I could give you a short (stop laughing) road map of the where-i've-beens so that you might not be quite so scared for me and the fact that I have absolutely no idea about the where-i'm-goings.
Ready?
I am a pk/missionary kid. Generations strong in the church of Christ. We don't drink, we don't chew, we don't go with boys that do. We also don't dance or have instruments in our church buildings. We take communion every Sunday. We know that Jesus wasn't really born on Christmas and will fight you for it.
We also feel quite positive that you are going to hell if you haven't been baptized, although if you are on the brink of death and you have a disease where you cannot get wet or you have broken every bone in your body and cannot be immersed and you die before you get dunked...well, we will just leave that up to Jesus.
He has a special circumstances file that is way beyond our understanding.
You see what I have been up against.
I was that kid that never took to the status quo. When the preacher said that we (c of C) had the truth, I wondered if the denominations (of which we were definitely NOT) thought the same thing.
If they thought they had the truth...and we thought we had the truth...and we seemed by all outward appearances to serve the same Jesus...then who in the hell had the truth?!
Never in your wildest dreams would I have said that out loud.
My mom got sick one Sunday morning and then she felt good enough later to go to evening services. Obviously, she had not taken communion that morning. As was usual, they called everyone up front to have communion that night "if you had missed the opportunity of communing with the Lord that morning".
She stayed in her seat.
I thought sure she was going to go to hell. Lightning at the very least.
Nothing. Not even a rumble from the heavens.
She told me later that she had communed with the Lord that day. And it didn't involve grape juice and a little cracker.
Troublemaker she was.
This began a long journey for me. A journey of "who said?", "what for", and especially "why the hell not?!"
Again, I am just flexing my grown up ability to cuss here. I never would have uttered such things. Back then my cuss words were Jiminy Cricket, oh my goodness, and cripes sakes. Jiminy Cricket got called down because it had the initials JC which we all know means Jesus Christ so that is cussing in that you are using "by-words" so that is not ok.
But I still said it when nobody was around.
So, I grew up there. In that fantasy land of right and good.
Then I went to college. Christian college. At that time I only knew about secular colleges (all the others) and christian colleges (York, Harding, Lubbock, Oklahoma Christian, Abeline, and Pepperdine). Those last two had kind of strayed in some of their liberal teaching but you could go there if you were good and grounded...just had to be careful.
I did not even know that other churches had schools that belonged to them. I really thought that this was the extent of the christian colleges. You can laugh now.
I went to York College. York Christian College. York Church of Christ College where other people from other churches went but we didn't talk about that. (hopefully we can be a good influence on them tho)
Chapel every day. Mandatory.
Church every Sunday. Strongly encouraged but nobody taking roll.
Guilt trip for missing "worship", understood.
It didn't take me long to figure out that if I got up at 11 on Sunday, I could shower and put on my dress and pantyhose and get to the lunch line just on time.
"Hey, I didn't see you in church today?!"
Obviously I was there cuz...pantyhose...helloooo.
After a few months I stopped with the dress up sham and just came in sweats like the other losers that skipped church. That group got bigger and bigger every Sunday.
Other than pesky church attendance I was the almost perfect christain college girl. I went to bible classes (mandatory) and other classes and most of the devo's where they sang the disco jesus songs. I was a good girl. I got involved in all the campus activities. (all the nice mentionable ones) I made runner up to Miss YC. Runner up because I didn't make the grades. (They told me this so I could change my ways. )
My friend didn't make the cut to be Mr. YC.
He had the grades and all the right things but he still didn't make it...rumor said it was because he was a Methodist. That didn't feel right but what are you gonna do? Protest? Did the rules say you had to be a member of the church?
Church being understood as THE church of Christ. The one true. The only. The church. (Uncapitalized in proper humility.)
My questioning heart was peering intently down the road marked destruction. I was questioning everything. I was cohabitating with people that were confusing me. Christians (church of Christ members) that were into every kind of mischief. Baptists and Methodists that seemed to have their heads on straight. Church had always been dry as toast for me but my family was perpetually in leadership so I figured I would get into it when I grew up.
Now, I was growing up and church was dryer that I had imagined possible. Hard to swallow.
It was all I had ever known. I might question, butI never entertained the thought of not being a part of it.
Besides, I only went once in a while. I could just ignore it.
Until that Sunday when one of the basketball players came forward to be baptized but the preacher refused to do it because he hadn't had the proper "so you want to be a christian" bible study course. Refused, in front of the whole congregation, to let that guy have access to the body of Christ.
Refused to open to him the gates of heaven because he didn't know enough about how to give his life to Jesus.
And so it begins.
I had been slowly strolling on the road to heresy. Now I was at a calorie burning jog.
How dare that preacher judge that boys heart and his commitment?
I didn't understand. Still don't.
My church attendance actually picked up when I started dating my man. (I don't think you ever go to church so much as when you feel guilty about the state of your purity. )
I could sit beside him and stare at the baptistry and never listen to a word the preacher said.
That hot body next to me was way worth it.
We prayed before and after every make out session. Just like all good christians should.
Then we married, we set off for the big city and Oklahoma Christian University.
Early marriage was a hit and miss for church going. Big college churches hurt my heart. I was a grown-up now and knew I needed to be in the pew every time the doors opened. But I could not find my seat. Nobody knew my name. I was as lonely as the other 1000 people in that building. And I smiled just as big through it all.
Life at home was hard that first year. Struggles with the should's and the I don't have to's. Marrying my faith to my husbands faith was way harder than toilet paper orientation or toothpaste lid negotiations. We finally just gave up. Stopped going to church. Stopped feeling guilty about it. Got way happier in our lives together. Didn't go back until we decided that our kids needed to be in church. (Plus we were scared that Grampa was going to ask someone about the 10 commandments and our cover would be blown.)
We made it through church for the next 10 years. Tried on a couple of c of c styles. Got away from the big college churches and were really blessed with some small congregations that knew us and liked us and let us be a part. That was sweet. We had little kids that got to go to bible class. They did craft thingys. We dabbled in some more progressive congregations and we learned about the Holy Spirit. Conferences about hearing God and doing great things for Him. Kingdom manifestos. Army of the Lord. Blazing Faith. Instrumental music. Women on the church stage.
I was allowed to ask questions. Everybody was asking questions.
This was life changing.
We got soaked in the move of God that we believed was the only real deal.
And then I saw a man dance in church. Right up in front. And I watched after church when another man came up and told him "you've been warned before, we don't do that here."
And my jog became a full on sprint.
Someday I might tell you more about that dancing story. It is a lot to unpack. Honestly, it has been hard to sprint this road with that suitcase packed like it is. Soon that spring lock will burst, exploding pent up emotions all over the highway...and then I will run like the wind...but for now it just is what it is...a load of locked up crap. I will get the key soon enough. When my heart is ready.
We stayed at that church a while longer. I watched it curl in on itself. I believed at the time that God left. (I don't believe that anymore.)
Leaving was hard but we just couldn't stay in a place that "God had left".
If He was leaving...so were we.
We visited a few places for a few months but that was too stressful. God led us. Not for the first time but now I was better at listening and following. I know He led us because we ended up at the very place I swore I would not go. ( I hate it when He does that. )
That was a lovely place. A big place.Full of lovely people. But we had a calling and it felt so good to be "allowed" to use our gifts.
I am going to use the words -for a season- because that is what it was. For a season we thrived. For a season we grew and felt love and acceptance and useful. And then it seemed to just stop. I do not know the spiritual ramp up to this. Everything was fine. And then it just wasn't.
No anger. No hard feelings. Just "time to go".
In my heart I feel sure that it was God's leading that got us to that point. After I heard/felt that call I saw things begin to manifest that were not good for us and our little family. Things that were not present before. (Or that I did not see before?)
Lots of things I wonder about. I wonder if we would have been spared some pain if we had left immediately. Then, I see how good God is to us to have spoken to our hearts so clearly BEFORE all hell broke loose. We knew His presence and when He opened the door we were packed and ready to go. When we left, we did so with whole hearts. I try to hold onto that.
After we left it got harder. We had been in leadership positions there. At one point we were small group leaders. We helped in the children's ministry. We had children in 4 different age group classes. We were deeply involved. But it was a large and growing church. When we left we were not missed. And that hurt deeply. Still hurts. Nobody called. If they wondered where we had gone they were too busy to find out. It is the way with big churches. It is not right.
Our next and final stop was to return to the church we had left years before. That shocked us to the core but again, we felt directly led. If you have ever felt directly led then you understand me when I say that I went to a place I did not want to go, with such complete peace and security that I did not even question the rightness of the decision for one moment. I don't guess it always works that way but I love it when it does.
I hate it when you seemingly have no leading and your wants and needs get all mixed up until you feel like you could explode. Also been there, done that.
When I got back to this church it was like Norm walking into Cheers. Everybody knew my name. It was exactly what I needed. And it felt soooo good. I felt sure that this church had changed. That everything was going to be alright. That we were home to stay.
I have never known pain like I felt at the hands of those beautiful people that I still love so much.
I feel certain that we were led back to this place to be support for a dear friend. This friend was mutilated and humiliated by the organizational structure of this church body. Those are strong, strong words but they are my truth. I feel sure that without someone there to stand beside, this person would have been convinced and convicted of being psychologically crazy and spiritually possessed.
I am thankful to God to have been able to be there at that time.
I did not stay long in that place. I am glad to be gone. Of course the problem surrounding my friend was not the only issue at this body. It was just one of many.
The thing that sent me out and locked the door on my return was the sure message being taught to my teen daughter. The message was this...
We have the truth. If your commitment is not here with us, you are being misled. We are your family. You should be here even if your parents say otherwise. You are old enough to choose for yourselves. If you are not here...you are missing God.
Buh-bye.
You know how the road runner just leaves a puff of smoke. Yeah.
I want to end this here. But this is not the end. I have left the organizational structure that people have come to call the church. I would very much like to talk about how that feels and what it means.
pray for me people.
I will post the next chapter tomorrow.
http://free2b2much.blogspot.com/2013/12/elephant-in-room.html
If you want to read more...
Look to the left < just above the fishes and see the labels. Click on church and maybe angst to see more of my journey.
Here is the one that really says why I left...
http://free2b2much.blogspot.com/2011/06/jumping-ship.html
This is a really hateful one...
http://free2b2much.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-hate-churchand-i-am-not-bitter-about.html
Here is one on forgiveness that I might want to read again...
http://free2b2much.blogspot.com/2011/09/it-is-not-ok.html
Or this one because I love it...
http://free2b2much.blogspot.com/2011/01/dancing-before-lord.html
Then again...all this is me. Go for it...I dare ya.
3.30.2013
Peace out.
I think I might throw up before this is all said and done.
You know that sweaty hands, shakey in the mid-section, air too thin to breathe place...that's me.
I feel this way because I am about to tell you what I really think.
And I am going to try to do it without any snark.
I might hurt myself.
I have been so distressed by so many things in life lately. Most of the distress comes from facebook. that seems shallow but it is what it is. Facebook is my connection to the outside world. If I get off of facebook I have my sweet little family. They do not distress me.
I orchestrate my life to be as stress free as possible. I do not watch the news. I do not have tv. I do not follow the trending links on my computer. I live in a quiet little neighborhood where I know all my neighbors by name. the clerks in the stores know my name because I have a set routine and I almost never wander from it. I am a creature of habit and I crave peace.
I do not live in such a way that you would think that I was anything other than the most mousey, complacent, Jesus loving, mini-van driving, homeschooling mommy. I wear long skirts and birkenstocks, people.. I have no tattoos.
My cuss words up until a few months ago consisted of crap, and gosh.
(I am learning to use the word ass...as in big ass...dumb ass...asinine...)
You think I am being snarky but I am dead on serious.
this is my outside. My insides bubble a little hotter.
Inside, I am a stick it to the man, go against the status quo, rage against the storm, hippy.
If society welcomes it then I will most assuredly suspect it as a matter of principle.
I am cynical.
I am short tempered toward anyone or anything that displays a sheep mentality.
I am arrogant and prejudiced against individuals who refuse to think for themselves.
I judge.
but I probably won't show you these things unless you walk closely enough with me to see that I raise my right eyebrow a tiny bit and my pupils blow out when I get angry.
(my husband told me this...I thought I had it hidden)
I would probably tell you that in general I don't like people. As in plural. People. Groups. But I do like people. Persons. Individuals. There is this thing in my heart that loves to hear a person with their story. It affects me. they affect me. So much so that my heart will melt and I can slide into a depression over their pain. I actually have to guard my heart against this.
Unless... unless that person and their pain is treading on someone else. then I tend to go with the underdog. If i find that you are messing with someone and being mean,
well I will think about sticking my foot so far up your a......you get my drift.
So this distress on Facebook...it comes from my friends. I have spent my life in the circles of conservative, evangelical, American, chirstians. my friends...yes, they are mostly church going, bible thumping, Jesus defending pains in the... neck.
(you can see why I am learning to use the word ass...just so many applications)
Again..no snark intended.
My friends have been very vocal about the issue of gay marriage. they have made no bones about speaking for God and making sure that everyone knows how He feels about those gays getting married. I don't mind them having their opinions. Truly. It is actually quite safe for that christian group to call out the sin of that gay group. I don't really like groups anyway so have at it. Even if it bothered me a little bit I could just not think about it too much and let it pass on by.
But then something began to nag at my heart.
As people started talking more about this issue, especially about the similar issue and decision to let gay members into the boy scout organization it started to come closer and closer to home.
My home.
My children running around as my mom friends talked about this horrible ungodly state of society.
My children listening with their super power hearing as the words and feelings flung hate and intolerance around the playroom.
My children assuming that I felt like that too because I didn't say anything.
It began to nag my heart that I was teaching by example and the example I was setting was one of tolerance for injustice.
If I am going to teach tolerance...it ain't gonna be centered around keeping my peace while people get trampled in the self-righteous dust from the journeys of a thousand ignorant proof-texters.
Nothing in that sentence was loving. Or tolerant.
I honestly feel that if you think that you have a right to keep the gay community in its place by labeling them with very biblical names like sinner and fornicator you might as well take up using the word nigger.
Take that any direction you want.
I started looking at my children and wondering what would change for me if one of them grew up and told me he was gay. What would happen to my heart if one of my precious children came to me in fear and loathing because he was terrified to tell me about something he had been burdened with since he was big enough to realize that he did not fit in with his brothers. What if my words and actions laid down a foundation of hate that kept my child, the love of my life, in a place of anguish because he knew that my principles could not allow us to fellowship in heart even tho I said "I love you" every day.
I think that I decided right then to change my behavior. I decided to stop looking at this group, and start looking at individuals. when I did that my heart began to break.
I realized that not speaking but letting the vocal majority have their say was the same, in the hearts of my children, as my agreement.
As a grownup I know that silence is not always consent...but to a kid...it is the same.
I realized that my silence was actually telling my children, that finger pointing christian position is ok. It is right. I agree.
Sometimes, you need to speak up.
I have friends that are gay. to my knowledge none of them are wanting to get married. but I guarantee you that their christian walk will get easier the minute christianity as a whole (or enough individuals that love completely) can look at them with the same respect they give that elder who recently "confessed" his porn addiction.
And this is a big stupid ass-umption on my part because I just lumped them in with all the detestable sexually impure...and that is really really offensive to many of my friends. I am sorry for that.
My point is respect. Looking at people and seeing their worth. Not their sin...real or perceived.
christians have genuine fear about opening a pandora's box if we let gay people get married. I think that if you want to go with that fear you need to accept that we started that release of mischief the moment we condoned interracial marriage. I am sure there were very sincere individuals that thought such things would surely lead to the degradation of the nation. We do have a black president now. One thing leads to another. I am positive that giving equal rights led to the position we are in today.
I see how this makes people feel very very afraid.
If we give equality to the gay people we are in fact starting down a road where more and more things will be accepted as a normal part of life.
Yes, that is called social evolution. We progress. We move on. Not all the next things are positive, but we can and should deal with those as they come up instead of crying like a bunch of babies about the sharks in the water...there are bridges...and boats to be had for this crossing.
I have heard arguements about how this could lead to child endangerment. Sex with animals. Polygamy. Muslem domination.
Like that isn't happening already??
I think I have talked ad nauseum about if this is sin or not. My stance...it. just. doesnt. matter. It doesnt matter what I think about it. I need to see my married gay neighbors as neighbors. I need to see them as persons to be respected.
I might need to face my upbringing and tell it simmer down.
what is the alternative? Get as christian uppity as you want...the reality is that the gay lifestyle will be soon be accepted as a "normal" part of American society. You can either avert your eyes and cover your innocent children as you mumble things about detestable to God or you can learn to look in love at two people showing affection.
Stone me now.
I am not talking about anything perverse. Just a kiss...or a hug...you don't have to see that as disgusting no matter how you feel about what is happening in the privacy of their home.
Feel free to teach your children right and wrong as you see it. But you cannot continue to go through life trying not to throw up around people who do things you disagree with.
Let me try and come at this from a different direction. A very personal direction.
I have women in my life that live together as roommates. they are heterosexual. Not gay. they love each other immensely. Sisters. Sometimes people think they are gay.
There is no sex going on!
do I want society, and the church, to look down on my friends because they think they are gay?
Actually, society probably accepts them without much question except to wish they would just come out already.
they are not gay.
there are probably those in the church that pray for them in their gayness.
Now, for this next part, let's pretend that my friends are gay.
Let's take these two friends who have lived together for longer than many of my heterosexual friends have been married...lets say that one of them gets sick...the other one wants to be able to know about her friends condition but she cannot because she is not the "spouse".
Or, one friend wants to give a large sum of money to the other. the other one will be heavily taxed on this gift...but not if they are married.
Just a stupid thought...I think that legally you should be able to declare anyone as your "significant other" to recieve all the benefits of a spouse.
If you even begin to whine about commitments and mocking the marriage system I will most certainly shove the divorce statistics right up your a....
As far as these women getting respect from the christian community, I don't know why they would even care any more. But let's say they do care deeply. they love Jesus. they do not think that their committed relationship is wrong in His eyes. they want to live in peace. together. and in their community.
I think that the church has every right to judge them and hold them accountable to every word of the bible.
As soon as the preacher looses 50lbs. And the nursery ladies stop gossiping. And the home groups stop hosting margarita night. And the deacons stop lying about when that church picnic will be rescheduled. And has anyone see our headscarves...cuz really.
Ok..that might have been snarky.
Until everyone in the church is ready to get real with their schniggt there should be no more telling each other what God wants.
Unless, you can do it in love. On an individual basis. when they ask if you would speak into their lives.
Otherwise...shut it.
I am afraid of 1 Corinthians. Paul talks about turning people over to satan. That scares me.
but you know what...I think that maybe Paul was full of it.
Snark that is.
I think that he was very very very tired of listing out the sins. I think he talks to these folks like a frustrated father and says..."I already told you this, why can't you deal with it?"
He talks about sexual immorality. And he lists it with a lot of other things. And he says the mysterious thing...he tells them to turn that stinky sinner over to the devil and let God judge him.
Seems harsh. Again...I suspect he was being a little snarky in his sincerity. that poor sinner was better off being put out than living within the bounds of the church and their righteous judgement.
I KNOW that is going to rile you and I am ok with that.
All I am saying is that we don't understand. And until we do, we might want to be a little more quiet.
I know I have not begun to cover all the points in this issue. I really just wanted to talk about a few that get me riled up. I hope that you see that I am giant enormous bag of wind. I don't have it all figured out.
I just want you to think about some things with me. Don't follow me cuz I am so cool.
No more herd mentality.
Just allow my questions to spark some of your own.
I can only hope that I have NOT somehow managed to offend everyone on the planet.
Peace on you.
You know that sweaty hands, shakey in the mid-section, air too thin to breathe place...that's me.
I feel this way because I am about to tell you what I really think.
And I am going to try to do it without any snark.
I might hurt myself.
I have been so distressed by so many things in life lately. Most of the distress comes from facebook. that seems shallow but it is what it is. Facebook is my connection to the outside world. If I get off of facebook I have my sweet little family. They do not distress me.
I orchestrate my life to be as stress free as possible. I do not watch the news. I do not have tv. I do not follow the trending links on my computer. I live in a quiet little neighborhood where I know all my neighbors by name. the clerks in the stores know my name because I have a set routine and I almost never wander from it. I am a creature of habit and I crave peace.
I do not live in such a way that you would think that I was anything other than the most mousey, complacent, Jesus loving, mini-van driving, homeschooling mommy. I wear long skirts and birkenstocks, people.. I have no tattoos.
My cuss words up until a few months ago consisted of crap, and gosh.
(I am learning to use the word ass...as in big ass...dumb ass...asinine...)
You think I am being snarky but I am dead on serious.
this is my outside. My insides bubble a little hotter.
Inside, I am a stick it to the man, go against the status quo, rage against the storm, hippy.
If society welcomes it then I will most assuredly suspect it as a matter of principle.
I am cynical.
I am short tempered toward anyone or anything that displays a sheep mentality.
I am arrogant and prejudiced against individuals who refuse to think for themselves.
I judge.
but I probably won't show you these things unless you walk closely enough with me to see that I raise my right eyebrow a tiny bit and my pupils blow out when I get angry.
(my husband told me this...I thought I had it hidden)
I would probably tell you that in general I don't like people. As in plural. People. Groups. But I do like people. Persons. Individuals. There is this thing in my heart that loves to hear a person with their story. It affects me. they affect me. So much so that my heart will melt and I can slide into a depression over their pain. I actually have to guard my heart against this.
Unless... unless that person and their pain is treading on someone else. then I tend to go with the underdog. If i find that you are messing with someone and being mean,
well I will think about sticking my foot so far up your a......you get my drift.
So this distress on Facebook...it comes from my friends. I have spent my life in the circles of conservative, evangelical, American, chirstians. my friends...yes, they are mostly church going, bible thumping, Jesus defending pains in the... neck.
(you can see why I am learning to use the word ass...just so many applications)
Again..no snark intended.
My friends have been very vocal about the issue of gay marriage. they have made no bones about speaking for God and making sure that everyone knows how He feels about those gays getting married. I don't mind them having their opinions. Truly. It is actually quite safe for that christian group to call out the sin of that gay group. I don't really like groups anyway so have at it. Even if it bothered me a little bit I could just not think about it too much and let it pass on by.
But then something began to nag at my heart.
As people started talking more about this issue, especially about the similar issue and decision to let gay members into the boy scout organization it started to come closer and closer to home.
My home.
My children running around as my mom friends talked about this horrible ungodly state of society.
My children listening with their super power hearing as the words and feelings flung hate and intolerance around the playroom.
My children assuming that I felt like that too because I didn't say anything.
It began to nag my heart that I was teaching by example and the example I was setting was one of tolerance for injustice.
If I am going to teach tolerance...it ain't gonna be centered around keeping my peace while people get trampled in the self-righteous dust from the journeys of a thousand ignorant proof-texters.
Nothing in that sentence was loving. Or tolerant.
I honestly feel that if you think that you have a right to keep the gay community in its place by labeling them with very biblical names like sinner and fornicator you might as well take up using the word nigger.
Take that any direction you want.
I started looking at my children and wondering what would change for me if one of them grew up and told me he was gay. What would happen to my heart if one of my precious children came to me in fear and loathing because he was terrified to tell me about something he had been burdened with since he was big enough to realize that he did not fit in with his brothers. What if my words and actions laid down a foundation of hate that kept my child, the love of my life, in a place of anguish because he knew that my principles could not allow us to fellowship in heart even tho I said "I love you" every day.
I think that I decided right then to change my behavior. I decided to stop looking at this group, and start looking at individuals. when I did that my heart began to break.
I realized that not speaking but letting the vocal majority have their say was the same, in the hearts of my children, as my agreement.
As a grownup I know that silence is not always consent...but to a kid...it is the same.
I realized that my silence was actually telling my children, that finger pointing christian position is ok. It is right. I agree.
Sometimes, you need to speak up.
I have friends that are gay. to my knowledge none of them are wanting to get married. but I guarantee you that their christian walk will get easier the minute christianity as a whole (or enough individuals that love completely) can look at them with the same respect they give that elder who recently "confessed" his porn addiction.
And this is a big stupid ass-umption on my part because I just lumped them in with all the detestable sexually impure...and that is really really offensive to many of my friends. I am sorry for that.
My point is respect. Looking at people and seeing their worth. Not their sin...real or perceived.
christians have genuine fear about opening a pandora's box if we let gay people get married. I think that if you want to go with that fear you need to accept that we started that release of mischief the moment we condoned interracial marriage. I am sure there were very sincere individuals that thought such things would surely lead to the degradation of the nation. We do have a black president now. One thing leads to another. I am positive that giving equal rights led to the position we are in today.
I see how this makes people feel very very afraid.
If we give equality to the gay people we are in fact starting down a road where more and more things will be accepted as a normal part of life.
Yes, that is called social evolution. We progress. We move on. Not all the next things are positive, but we can and should deal with those as they come up instead of crying like a bunch of babies about the sharks in the water...there are bridges...and boats to be had for this crossing.
I have heard arguements about how this could lead to child endangerment. Sex with animals. Polygamy. Muslem domination.
Like that isn't happening already??
I think I have talked ad nauseum about if this is sin or not. My stance...it. just. doesnt. matter. It doesnt matter what I think about it. I need to see my married gay neighbors as neighbors. I need to see them as persons to be respected.
I might need to face my upbringing and tell it simmer down.
what is the alternative? Get as christian uppity as you want...the reality is that the gay lifestyle will be soon be accepted as a "normal" part of American society. You can either avert your eyes and cover your innocent children as you mumble things about detestable to God or you can learn to look in love at two people showing affection.
Stone me now.
I am not talking about anything perverse. Just a kiss...or a hug...you don't have to see that as disgusting no matter how you feel about what is happening in the privacy of their home.
Feel free to teach your children right and wrong as you see it. But you cannot continue to go through life trying not to throw up around people who do things you disagree with.
Let me try and come at this from a different direction. A very personal direction.
I have women in my life that live together as roommates. they are heterosexual. Not gay. they love each other immensely. Sisters. Sometimes people think they are gay.
There is no sex going on!
do I want society, and the church, to look down on my friends because they think they are gay?
Actually, society probably accepts them without much question except to wish they would just come out already.
they are not gay.
there are probably those in the church that pray for them in their gayness.
Now, for this next part, let's pretend that my friends are gay.
Let's take these two friends who have lived together for longer than many of my heterosexual friends have been married...lets say that one of them gets sick...the other one wants to be able to know about her friends condition but she cannot because she is not the "spouse".
Or, one friend wants to give a large sum of money to the other. the other one will be heavily taxed on this gift...but not if they are married.
Just a stupid thought...I think that legally you should be able to declare anyone as your "significant other" to recieve all the benefits of a spouse.
If you even begin to whine about commitments and mocking the marriage system I will most certainly shove the divorce statistics right up your a....
As far as these women getting respect from the christian community, I don't know why they would even care any more. But let's say they do care deeply. they love Jesus. they do not think that their committed relationship is wrong in His eyes. they want to live in peace. together. and in their community.
I think that the church has every right to judge them and hold them accountable to every word of the bible.
As soon as the preacher looses 50lbs. And the nursery ladies stop gossiping. And the home groups stop hosting margarita night. And the deacons stop lying about when that church picnic will be rescheduled. And has anyone see our headscarves...cuz really.
Ok..that might have been snarky.
Until everyone in the church is ready to get real with their schniggt there should be no more telling each other what God wants.
Unless, you can do it in love. On an individual basis. when they ask if you would speak into their lives.
Otherwise...shut it.
I am afraid of 1 Corinthians. Paul talks about turning people over to satan. That scares me.
but you know what...I think that maybe Paul was full of it.
Snark that is.
I think that he was very very very tired of listing out the sins. I think he talks to these folks like a frustrated father and says..."I already told you this, why can't you deal with it?"
He talks about sexual immorality. And he lists it with a lot of other things. And he says the mysterious thing...he tells them to turn that stinky sinner over to the devil and let God judge him.
Seems harsh. Again...I suspect he was being a little snarky in his sincerity. that poor sinner was better off being put out than living within the bounds of the church and their righteous judgement.
I KNOW that is going to rile you and I am ok with that.
All I am saying is that we don't understand. And until we do, we might want to be a little more quiet.
I know I have not begun to cover all the points in this issue. I really just wanted to talk about a few that get me riled up. I hope that you see that I am giant enormous bag of wind. I don't have it all figured out.
I just want you to think about some things with me. Don't follow me cuz I am so cool.
No more herd mentality.
Just allow my questions to spark some of your own.
I can only hope that I have NOT somehow managed to offend everyone on the planet.
Peace on you.
3.27.2013
I love you. Period.
I think it should be enough to say "I love you", without having to add "but I don't approve of what you do".
I am continually amazed that the christian mentality seems to equate love with either pity or perfection. think about it...
You pity that person in sin. On a good day you love them in spite of it.
On a perfect day you love them out of it.
I think that Jesus loves them in it.
Now let's take it closer to home. Jesus doesn't just love them in it...He loves me in it.
We won't take time right now to discuss saint/sinner/redeemed. Let it be enough for this discussion to say that I do still sin. Therefore, I am a sinner. Redeemed, yes. But that is not my point right this minute.
Jesus loves me in my sin.
His love does not wait for me to change. He looks at me smack where I am and accepts me there.
In sin.
Without ever covering me up with how much of a screw up I am or how much he disapproves of me.
He doesn't talk to me that way. The scriptures that I have been taught to cherish don't read that way anymore....but they used to.
What changed?
I was raised to revere the bible as the Holy Scripture...the Holy Word of God...the only way that God spoke. All I needed for living was in that book. And believe me, it was full of rules and regulations about life. The life instruction book. That is how christians see it. ok that is fine.
Trouble is, in my experience, once you have a written set of rules/instructions you tend to get busy telling other people how to go about things. You figure that you have the authority to go messin in other people's lives. You poke your nose in. In their best interest of course.
In love.
Problem with that is that it is none of your business. It is God's business.
At some point, and Glory to God Hallelujah! I realized that it is not my job to change people. Not my job even when I love them dearly and want them to change. Not my job when they are bugging the crap out of me with their incessant sinning. Not my job when I am super right and they are dead wrong.
I can't think of a place where He told me to take the written word and go make sure that everyone is following it.
Let's look at this another way. If you put aside the written scripture for a minute what do you have left? Could you exist without it?
Do you trust the Holy Spirit of God enough to instruct you if you had no access to the written word?
We do it every day you know. We who have been raised in the church, who know those scriptures by heart, we walk without it all the time. We misquote it, manipulate it to fit our personal preference, disregard entire sections... How do we survive?
Well, mostly we walk around with our heads hung low as we wallow in muck and feel the disapproval of God. Just a bunch of screw ups. Unworthy.
The scripture we know has been drilled into us and set around us as a barbed wire fence. Stay inside.
Death beyond these lines. Here be monsters.
We walk afraid.
Our security feels sketchy at best because we continually look for breaks in the fence. Even in the moments that we feel secure we terrorize others with messages of death.
Don't do that or you will die! Be afraid!
Yet in the scriptures that we have been taught to revere, we see the messages about freedom, and easy burdens, and light and good news.
Why do these get so convoluted with the how to's and what for's?
How does freedom become a death threat?
Even in the places in scripture where there is instruction, it is continually wrapped up in bow of good news.
These men were dealing with some hard stinky human fallacy yet they repeatedly told people to remember that their reward was waiting. They told people to hold on and to rejoice. They encouraged people walk in the freedom that had already been bought and paid for them. For their future. For their now.
Still, we christians take these words and use them to illustrate our depravity.
Love waiting for us to get it all together. Here is how to do it, so do it, moron. Jesus loves you, it's not brain surgery, why can't you get it right?
We talk about grace sometimes. Sometimes we even mean it. Still, hurdling that fence...only the bravest will even try it.
I want to realize each day the newness of God loving me right where I am.
Even when I am testing His mercy and dancing way outside the borders of the barbed wire.
Especially when I believe more than anything that His love depends on that fence...and my staying safely inside.
The words "I love you, but" were never uttered by God.
I put to you today the challenge to love. Period. And I ain't gonna lie to you...it is gonna suck. Hurt bad. Exquisite pain in the name of Jesus.
It is going to rip your heart in two to have to love someone in their sin.
Just forget the words condone and approve.
Love.
Trust God...who defines Himself as Love... to do all the work that your "not condoning" can't get done.
Trust Love to rush in and bind and heal and restore all the places that you don't approve of.
Believe that it is enough to Love God and Love others as you love yourself. (yeah, that is the tricky part)
Here is some instruction for you...stop telling everybody what to do, or not do.
(you see the irony here don't you)
I can only speak for my journey. All the places where I said "christians", and "you" and "them"...I meant me.
I am talking to myself here but you can listen in.
Actually, the following words are not me...they come from my Love.
I love you. Period.
I am continually amazed that the christian mentality seems to equate love with either pity or perfection. think about it...
You pity that person in sin. On a good day you love them in spite of it.
On a perfect day you love them out of it.
I think that Jesus loves them in it.
Now let's take it closer to home. Jesus doesn't just love them in it...He loves me in it.
We won't take time right now to discuss saint/sinner/redeemed. Let it be enough for this discussion to say that I do still sin. Therefore, I am a sinner. Redeemed, yes. But that is not my point right this minute.
Jesus loves me in my sin.
His love does not wait for me to change. He looks at me smack where I am and accepts me there.
In sin.
Without ever covering me up with how much of a screw up I am or how much he disapproves of me.
He doesn't talk to me that way. The scriptures that I have been taught to cherish don't read that way anymore....but they used to.
What changed?
I was raised to revere the bible as the Holy Scripture...the Holy Word of God...the only way that God spoke. All I needed for living was in that book. And believe me, it was full of rules and regulations about life. The life instruction book. That is how christians see it. ok that is fine.
Trouble is, in my experience, once you have a written set of rules/instructions you tend to get busy telling other people how to go about things. You figure that you have the authority to go messin in other people's lives. You poke your nose in. In their best interest of course.
In love.
Problem with that is that it is none of your business. It is God's business.
At some point, and Glory to God Hallelujah! I realized that it is not my job to change people. Not my job even when I love them dearly and want them to change. Not my job when they are bugging the crap out of me with their incessant sinning. Not my job when I am super right and they are dead wrong.
I can't think of a place where He told me to take the written word and go make sure that everyone is following it.
Let's look at this another way. If you put aside the written scripture for a minute what do you have left? Could you exist without it?
Do you trust the Holy Spirit of God enough to instruct you if you had no access to the written word?
We do it every day you know. We who have been raised in the church, who know those scriptures by heart, we walk without it all the time. We misquote it, manipulate it to fit our personal preference, disregard entire sections... How do we survive?
Well, mostly we walk around with our heads hung low as we wallow in muck and feel the disapproval of God. Just a bunch of screw ups. Unworthy.
The scripture we know has been drilled into us and set around us as a barbed wire fence. Stay inside.
Death beyond these lines. Here be monsters.
We walk afraid.
Our security feels sketchy at best because we continually look for breaks in the fence. Even in the moments that we feel secure we terrorize others with messages of death.
Don't do that or you will die! Be afraid!
Yet in the scriptures that we have been taught to revere, we see the messages about freedom, and easy burdens, and light and good news.
Why do these get so convoluted with the how to's and what for's?
How does freedom become a death threat?
Even in the places in scripture where there is instruction, it is continually wrapped up in bow of good news.
These men were dealing with some hard stinky human fallacy yet they repeatedly told people to remember that their reward was waiting. They told people to hold on and to rejoice. They encouraged people walk in the freedom that had already been bought and paid for them. For their future. For their now.
Still, we christians take these words and use them to illustrate our depravity.
Love waiting for us to get it all together. Here is how to do it, so do it, moron. Jesus loves you, it's not brain surgery, why can't you get it right?
We talk about grace sometimes. Sometimes we even mean it. Still, hurdling that fence...only the bravest will even try it.
I want to realize each day the newness of God loving me right where I am.
Even when I am testing His mercy and dancing way outside the borders of the barbed wire.
Especially when I believe more than anything that His love depends on that fence...and my staying safely inside.
The words "I love you, but" were never uttered by God.
I put to you today the challenge to love. Period. And I ain't gonna lie to you...it is gonna suck. Hurt bad. Exquisite pain in the name of Jesus.
It is going to rip your heart in two to have to love someone in their sin.
Just forget the words condone and approve.
Love.
Trust God...who defines Himself as Love... to do all the work that your "not condoning" can't get done.
Trust Love to rush in and bind and heal and restore all the places that you don't approve of.
Believe that it is enough to Love God and Love others as you love yourself. (yeah, that is the tricky part)
Here is some instruction for you...stop telling everybody what to do, or not do.
(you see the irony here don't you)
I can only speak for my journey. All the places where I said "christians", and "you" and "them"...I meant me.
I am talking to myself here but you can listen in.
Actually, the following words are not me...they come from my Love.
I love you. Period.
7.31.2012
bless-ed
I groaned today. Under the weight of the words I wished I could say and the weight of the words that had already been said. So much hating has been going on. I am not exempt.
I just feel better about myself because I hate the haters.
You know what I am talking about. Bullying and abuse and right and wrong. People standing up for themselves and standing up for others. I want to say something but it has all been said and then some.
I do not know how to make a stand when standing room only is the flavor of the day.
(and that flavor is chicken)
Everybody standing for what they believe in. Or what that guy believes in. Or what God believes in.
Let's just make sure that right is stood up for and let's really make sure that it is kept right.
Or what's the point?
Right?
Too complicated. I just feel more comfortable hating the haters. Simpler that way.
Not exactly proud of that.
I keep trying to reel myself back in but it only works until someone else starts talking and then I start to run the line again as I buck and pull against the current.
I like this fish picture because it describes my heart and how it feels hooked and helpless. I don't want to keep taking the shiny hate bait like a stupid fish. I want to reject the lures kerplunking from every side of the issue. I want to move beyond my instinct.
That is hard. My instinct tells me that hate is good. Hate is provision. It is the answer to what I have been looking for. This is especially convenient because what I have been looking for is answers.
Hate is the shiny answer to my hearts question about how to feel towards all the bullies. I don't have to point out the bullies. If I started detailing instances of bullying it would take all day and get really redundant. It isn't just about this current issue. Happens all the time...so I am just gonna try and give you a one sentence definition of bully.
Ready?
If you are standing on your superior right and oppressing someone with that right, you are being a bully.
I really hate it when that happens.
I hate it so much that when I feel it happening I tend to bet on the underdog and hate the bully no matter how right the bully is in their position.
So, if I gotta put the hate somewhere, at least it is constructive.
Well, somewhere in there I began to realize that this was probably not the way I needed to be thinking.
Thus, the groaning.
If you wait long enough I do eventually come back to the point.
Simply put, I asked the Lord if He would help me feel His heart on the matter.
I do not in any way say that I am revealing the heart of God here. I am just saying that this is what came to my heart in response to my asking my Father to help me understand His perspective.
You gotta do your own research on this.
The matter on my heart...
one person has spoken his opinion leading to one people group standing en masse to support both his right to his opinion and their agreement with his position. This has led to both misunderstanding and full comprehension of the stated and unstated agendas of people groups on every side of this issue.
People standing for their rights. Other people being looked down upon because their beliefs don't match up. Hating happening pretty generously on both sides leading to multiple levels of hating by association as people pointed fingers and spoke loudly about all the various subsets of said support. sigh.
I groaned. I listened. I heard...Matthew 5. I began to read...
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
I have always been taught that the sermon on the mount was about Jesus teaching his disciples how to be good losers.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
I guess I also knew that it was talking about those poor souls like you find in Africa
or China.
You know, the persecuted ones.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Meek is about being lowly. Or perceived lower than the one doing the perceiving.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled.
I am reading, and chuckling a little at this one as I think about hungering for
righteousness vs chicken.
-Glad I didn't stand in any lines.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
oops. point taken.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
getting a little close to home here.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
I began to wonder about these words and how I had always been led to interpret them. In mercy I thought about standing in line for the 'right' and how un-peaceful that can be. And it hurt me. But not in a judgmental way. More in a way that really let me feel how much people can hurt while I defend my rights.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
My hands began to shake with the power of this statement. Right or wrong, I saw this sentence in an entirely new light.
I had thought this a call for strength.
I had thought this a promise to the right.
Stand firm in your beliefs. Hold the line. Take the punches. You will be rewarded.
I am not saying that is wrong. I am just saying that my thought was pretty exclusive as to its meaning.
Today I was introduced to a new thought.
What if the blessed are the ones being persecuted by the hands and hearts of the righteous.
What if our stand for the right is causing pain, oppression, and persecution to others.
Is it possible that the Lord of Heaven is standing ready to defend this persecution?
Or the ones being persecuted?
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all manner of evil against you in my name.
Now I can hear the voice of my dad in my head. And I smile when I type this. He is telling me I have it all backwards because that next verse talks about prophets and clearly people living in sin are not who he is talking about...to which I would say innocently "daddy, are you saying that all those people on that mountain were sinless?"
And then we would go round and round arguing semantics.
So, just know that I know what you are saying when you say I am misinterpreting.
I am not saying it doesn't mean what we were taught.
I am saying...it may mean more than that.
Read on.
You will find that the rest of the chapter reads different if you look at it from the perspective of the teacher trying to each his students about respecting others and living in such a way as to bring honor and love to an otherwise harsh and impersonal law.
Today I began to read this "Sermon on the Mount" with a heart that looks to others instead of only to myself. I see the promises not only for my own down times but for the down times of the hurting around me.
I see the blessed as defined by Jesus himself. I see where He is instructing me how to see His beautiful creation. His children.
I see, for the first time, that being salt and light are not only a call to purity and strength but also an encouragement to hold fast to the principles of love taught by the Master. For if salt and light are defined as love then we are called to never lose our love and to never hide it.
Love as salt will affect everyone around with its saltiness.
Love as light will brighten the whole city when kept fully out in the open for all to see.
I know you know this.
Take it and apply it back to the blessed ones. Consider that the blessed ones (in this case) are anyone that is not full up with the knowledge of the love of Jesus.
The lowly, the persecuted, the poor in spirit...whether they know it or not.
Now that you recognize them, do not pity them.
Certainly do not yell at them about how right you are.
Embrace them.
I sit here now, weary but heartened by the promises I feel in my heart. I look on the events of the past few days and it breaks my heart because so many people were belittled and hurt...on both sides.
My Papa has a heart to mend the hurts. I know this is true. I want to live in a way that honors His heart.
I hope I can start with today.
I just feel better about myself because I hate the haters.
You know what I am talking about. Bullying and abuse and right and wrong. People standing up for themselves and standing up for others. I want to say something but it has all been said and then some.
I do not know how to make a stand when standing room only is the flavor of the day.
(and that flavor is chicken)
Everybody standing for what they believe in. Or what that guy believes in. Or what God believes in.
Let's just make sure that right is stood up for and let's really make sure that it is kept right.
Or what's the point?
Right?
Too complicated. I just feel more comfortable hating the haters. Simpler that way.
Not exactly proud of that.
I keep trying to reel myself back in but it only works until someone else starts talking and then I start to run the line again as I buck and pull against the current.
I like this fish picture because it describes my heart and how it feels hooked and helpless. I don't want to keep taking the shiny hate bait like a stupid fish. I want to reject the lures kerplunking from every side of the issue. I want to move beyond my instinct.
That is hard. My instinct tells me that hate is good. Hate is provision. It is the answer to what I have been looking for. This is especially convenient because what I have been looking for is answers.
Hate is the shiny answer to my hearts question about how to feel towards all the bullies. I don't have to point out the bullies. If I started detailing instances of bullying it would take all day and get really redundant. It isn't just about this current issue. Happens all the time...so I am just gonna try and give you a one sentence definition of bully.
Ready?
If you are standing on your superior right and oppressing someone with that right, you are being a bully.
I really hate it when that happens.
I hate it so much that when I feel it happening I tend to bet on the underdog and hate the bully no matter how right the bully is in their position.
So, if I gotta put the hate somewhere, at least it is constructive.
Well, somewhere in there I began to realize that this was probably not the way I needed to be thinking.
Thus, the groaning.
If you wait long enough I do eventually come back to the point.
Simply put, I asked the Lord if He would help me feel His heart on the matter.
I do not in any way say that I am revealing the heart of God here. I am just saying that this is what came to my heart in response to my asking my Father to help me understand His perspective.
You gotta do your own research on this.
The matter on my heart...
one person has spoken his opinion leading to one people group standing en masse to support both his right to his opinion and their agreement with his position. This has led to both misunderstanding and full comprehension of the stated and unstated agendas of people groups on every side of this issue.
People standing for their rights. Other people being looked down upon because their beliefs don't match up. Hating happening pretty generously on both sides leading to multiple levels of hating by association as people pointed fingers and spoke loudly about all the various subsets of said support. sigh.
I groaned. I listened. I heard...Matthew 5. I began to read...
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
I have always been taught that the sermon on the mount was about Jesus teaching his disciples how to be good losers.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
I guess I also knew that it was talking about those poor souls like you find in Africa
or China.
You know, the persecuted ones.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Meek is about being lowly. Or perceived lower than the one doing the perceiving.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled.
I am reading, and chuckling a little at this one as I think about hungering for
righteousness vs chicken.
-Glad I didn't stand in any lines.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
oops. point taken.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
getting a little close to home here.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
I began to wonder about these words and how I had always been led to interpret them. In mercy I thought about standing in line for the 'right' and how un-peaceful that can be. And it hurt me. But not in a judgmental way. More in a way that really let me feel how much people can hurt while I defend my rights.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
My hands began to shake with the power of this statement. Right or wrong, I saw this sentence in an entirely new light.
I had thought this a call for strength.
I had thought this a promise to the right.
Stand firm in your beliefs. Hold the line. Take the punches. You will be rewarded.
I am not saying that is wrong. I am just saying that my thought was pretty exclusive as to its meaning.
Today I was introduced to a new thought.
What if the blessed are the ones being persecuted by the hands and hearts of the righteous.
What if our stand for the right is causing pain, oppression, and persecution to others.
Is it possible that the Lord of Heaven is standing ready to defend this persecution?
Or the ones being persecuted?
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all manner of evil against you in my name.
Now I can hear the voice of my dad in my head. And I smile when I type this. He is telling me I have it all backwards because that next verse talks about prophets and clearly people living in sin are not who he is talking about...to which I would say innocently "daddy, are you saying that all those people on that mountain were sinless?"
And then we would go round and round arguing semantics.
So, just know that I know what you are saying when you say I am misinterpreting.
I am not saying it doesn't mean what we were taught.
I am saying...it may mean more than that.
Read on.
You will find that the rest of the chapter reads different if you look at it from the perspective of the teacher trying to each his students about respecting others and living in such a way as to bring honor and love to an otherwise harsh and impersonal law.
Today I began to read this "Sermon on the Mount" with a heart that looks to others instead of only to myself. I see the promises not only for my own down times but for the down times of the hurting around me.
I see the blessed as defined by Jesus himself. I see where He is instructing me how to see His beautiful creation. His children.
I see, for the first time, that being salt and light are not only a call to purity and strength but also an encouragement to hold fast to the principles of love taught by the Master. For if salt and light are defined as love then we are called to never lose our love and to never hide it.
Love as salt will affect everyone around with its saltiness.
Love as light will brighten the whole city when kept fully out in the open for all to see.
I know you know this.
Take it and apply it back to the blessed ones. Consider that the blessed ones (in this case) are anyone that is not full up with the knowledge of the love of Jesus.
The lowly, the persecuted, the poor in spirit...whether they know it or not.
Now that you recognize them, do not pity them.
Certainly do not yell at them about how right you are.
Embrace them.
I sit here now, weary but heartened by the promises I feel in my heart. I look on the events of the past few days and it breaks my heart because so many people were belittled and hurt...on both sides.
My Papa has a heart to mend the hurts. I know this is true. I want to live in a way that honors His heart.
I hope I can start with today.
2.29.2012
I hate church...and I am not bitter about it.
This post is just going to be filled with hate. I don't know of a way to help that. I am going to talk about some truly hateful things so I am going to have to use that term a lot.
Hate.
Opposite of love.
I love Jesus. I love Him and He loves me and this ain't the barney song...it is just the facts.
He loves me in my messed-up-ness and He didn't start loving me when He redeemed me.
Further, Him redeeming me did not add value to me.
I did not cross some spiritual line from worthless lost to valuable redeemed.
We alllll know that I am not perfect. Won't be anytime soon. I don't bring God huge amounts of shiny glory with my sparkly reputation and life of purpose. Nope.
I just go about being me. And that comes with a bit of grit and a lot of smudge.
Tarnished halo, if you will.
I think that most christians would jump on this bandwagon. Hurah! Jesus loves my imperfect self. I am His favorite.
Some christians would perpetrate the lie that my imperfection is so blatant that I should just get comfortable with the fact that I am worthless.
Without Jesus I am a worthless bag o' poo.
It is all Jesus making me lovable. All Jesus making me worth your effort.
It's all about Jesus doncha know.
Worthless but redeemed.
Yeah, I pretty much just damn that thought. (not people that think it...just the thought itself)
So, if I won't buy it that I am worthless then I must set up camp round the fire of "all that"...
hmmmm....
I start here saying the word hate.
I hate that christians (me included) get by with being so exclusionary and bigoted.
Why do we get to look at ourselves as better when really all we are is paid for? Why do we go around looking at people who don't know Jesus as some ignorant indigenous culture in need of our pity and a healthy dose of our enlightenment? Why do we take on the name of Jesus and adopt a spirit of self importance that touts our opinions as the only right and true as we quote half sentences from the book that most "lost souls" deem irrelevant at best.
I hate that giving glory to God becomes some elitist club dues paid after the initiation dunking ritual. Do we want to dare to believe that only the redeemed are capable of showing God's glory?
Why does the believing right wait to see if someone is a "member of the church" before they declare a win? Why is it ok to shake your head at wasted talent because the name of Jesus was not declared?
I hate that people are seen as commodity where more is better and being famous-- more better still.
When did it happen that bigger numbers painted your waiting mansion with a fancier grade of gold?
If it is all for the glory of God then why is it that limelight is required for ultimate glory?
Why does the amount of human glory/idol worship seem to validate more the "praise God's" of the famous?
Does being on TV make their glories more precious to God or do we believers just feel the public validation helps further His cause (and our own)?
Do we really want to believe that the " lowly" carry less glory? Do we want to say that someone has "a little of the glory of God" as if that is not enough?
I hate that the group that professes Jesus is predatory and cannibalistic. We tend to prey upon anyone that opposes our groupthink. This includes those outside the christian society...and absolutely those within it. We will eat our own young if their ideas threaten our own. We tend to set up a hierarchy of ideas and place value on secular and sacred categories that declare something as worthy and valuable based largely on public opinion or current understanding.
I know that is a mouthful.
I also know that this is a rant.
meh to it. disregard it as pms if you must. doesn't really matter.
I just have these thoughts ping-ponging in my head and I wanted to get them out.
Mostly my questions are to myself. I was raised with really really loving parents. They didn't fill me with hate towards my fellow man. All I ever saw was a hand of love and acceptance extended to the hurting.
That is the way it should be.
So is it that upbringing that makes my current observations so stinking hard to swallow?
Did I grow up in an atmosphere of true love that is rare? And makes reality that much more harsh?
It is scary to think how much I was influenced by church/religious think outside of what my home life taught. It is scary to think how much my adult mind is warped and occluded by thoughts of superiority as I try to guide my young ones in the way of love.
Did my parents struggle with these thoughts?
I am sure they must have.
The cool the thing about Jesus is that He is constantly talking to all of us about all this.
Funny thing is...
I had to get out of church to start listening.
There it is.
I will admit to you that since leaving church my thoughts have become so radical that I often doubt them. I doubt myself. I doubt what I hear. Is that you Jesus?
Is that You presenting ideas about loving people before they come under your umbrella?
Is that You suggesting that an accepting and understanding heart shows love better than a narrow minded one?
Is that You whispering to me that going against both world and church culture to show respect and decency to the ones that no-one understands could actually be the thing that you would do?
This means that I am being asked to love (and openly accept) people that cuss, and show their boobs, and ask for money that will surely go to buy liquor or worse.
I am being challenged to stop snarling at and openly ridiculing teenagers that wear their pants below their buttocks.
I am being presented with opportunities to understand parents that feed their infants soda pop in their bottles while smoking in my airspace.
It has been suggested to my heart to support the standing president of our country...whether or not I agree with his agenda; to admire the Lady Blah-Blah pop-singer that some christians call the spawn of the devil...because she embraces the un-embraceable; to shut up about things I do not understand like same sex marriage and drug abuse and adultery.
All this against everything any self-respecting, bible believing, missionary supporting, church going, cross wearing christian would have me do.
I wonder if I am being slowly degraded into a fleshly, worldly, humanistic mindset brought on by my seeming lone-wolf mentality. I am currently out from under the covering of a church elder leadership.
And I love it.
And this is where I lose the rest of my readers...
I feel free for the first time in my adult life. I feel free from the group mentality.
The borg collective if you will. Yeah...I feel unplugged. And the voices have stopped.
ha.
No, I still hear the voices. They are etched on tapes on an eternal loop in my mind.
Voices that tell me that the lost are on a lower human level than the saved. Voices that tell me that if it doesn't have a cross on it then it must be suspect. Voices that lead me to believe that worldly people are to be pitied, looked down upon, feared, changed, tolerated, proselytized and
assimilated...
I guess loved didn't make the priority list.
When I was in church I might have heard the word love...but the message was always about change. Do more, be more. Applies to you and those you are on track to save.
read that again.
when. did. the. church. get. in. the. business. of. salvation.
I thought that was God's job.
I thought the job of the church...the job of the body of Christ....was to love.
To me, loving means being able to stand beside someone who has ideas that are radically different from my own...without feeling the need to make their ideas look like mine.
Hate.
Opposite of love.
I love Jesus. I love Him and He loves me and this ain't the barney song...it is just the facts.
He loves me in my messed-up-ness and He didn't start loving me when He redeemed me.
Further, Him redeeming me did not add value to me.
I did not cross some spiritual line from worthless lost to valuable redeemed.
We alllll know that I am not perfect. Won't be anytime soon. I don't bring God huge amounts of shiny glory with my sparkly reputation and life of purpose. Nope.
I just go about being me. And that comes with a bit of grit and a lot of smudge.
Tarnished halo, if you will.
I think that most christians would jump on this bandwagon. Hurah! Jesus loves my imperfect self. I am His favorite.
Some christians would perpetrate the lie that my imperfection is so blatant that I should just get comfortable with the fact that I am worthless.
Without Jesus I am a worthless bag o' poo.
It is all Jesus making me lovable. All Jesus making me worth your effort.
It's all about Jesus doncha know.
Worthless but redeemed.
Yeah, I pretty much just damn that thought. (not people that think it...just the thought itself)
So, if I won't buy it that I am worthless then I must set up camp round the fire of "all that"...
hmmmm....
I start here saying the word hate.
I hate that christians (me included) get by with being so exclusionary and bigoted.
Why do we get to look at ourselves as better when really all we are is paid for? Why do we go around looking at people who don't know Jesus as some ignorant indigenous culture in need of our pity and a healthy dose of our enlightenment? Why do we take on the name of Jesus and adopt a spirit of self importance that touts our opinions as the only right and true as we quote half sentences from the book that most "lost souls" deem irrelevant at best.
I hate that giving glory to God becomes some elitist club dues paid after the initiation dunking ritual. Do we want to dare to believe that only the redeemed are capable of showing God's glory?
Why does the believing right wait to see if someone is a "member of the church" before they declare a win? Why is it ok to shake your head at wasted talent because the name of Jesus was not declared?
I hate that people are seen as commodity where more is better and being famous-- more better still.
When did it happen that bigger numbers painted your waiting mansion with a fancier grade of gold?
If it is all for the glory of God then why is it that limelight is required for ultimate glory?
Why does the amount of human glory/idol worship seem to validate more the "praise God's" of the famous?
Does being on TV make their glories more precious to God or do we believers just feel the public validation helps further His cause (and our own)?
Do we really want to believe that the " lowly" carry less glory? Do we want to say that someone has "a little of the glory of God" as if that is not enough?
I hate that the group that professes Jesus is predatory and cannibalistic. We tend to prey upon anyone that opposes our groupthink. This includes those outside the christian society...and absolutely those within it. We will eat our own young if their ideas threaten our own. We tend to set up a hierarchy of ideas and place value on secular and sacred categories that declare something as worthy and valuable based largely on public opinion or current understanding.
I know that is a mouthful.
I also know that this is a rant.
meh to it. disregard it as pms if you must. doesn't really matter.
I just have these thoughts ping-ponging in my head and I wanted to get them out.
Mostly my questions are to myself. I was raised with really really loving parents. They didn't fill me with hate towards my fellow man. All I ever saw was a hand of love and acceptance extended to the hurting.
That is the way it should be.
So is it that upbringing that makes my current observations so stinking hard to swallow?
Did I grow up in an atmosphere of true love that is rare? And makes reality that much more harsh?
It is scary to think how much I was influenced by church/religious think outside of what my home life taught. It is scary to think how much my adult mind is warped and occluded by thoughts of superiority as I try to guide my young ones in the way of love.
Did my parents struggle with these thoughts?
I am sure they must have.
The cool the thing about Jesus is that He is constantly talking to all of us about all this.
Funny thing is...
I had to get out of church to start listening.
There it is.
I will admit to you that since leaving church my thoughts have become so radical that I often doubt them. I doubt myself. I doubt what I hear. Is that you Jesus?
Is that You presenting ideas about loving people before they come under your umbrella?
Is that You suggesting that an accepting and understanding heart shows love better than a narrow minded one?
Is that You whispering to me that going against both world and church culture to show respect and decency to the ones that no-one understands could actually be the thing that you would do?
This means that I am being asked to love (and openly accept) people that cuss, and show their boobs, and ask for money that will surely go to buy liquor or worse.
I am being challenged to stop snarling at and openly ridiculing teenagers that wear their pants below their buttocks.
I am being presented with opportunities to understand parents that feed their infants soda pop in their bottles while smoking in my airspace.
It has been suggested to my heart to support the standing president of our country...whether or not I agree with his agenda; to admire the Lady Blah-Blah pop-singer that some christians call the spawn of the devil...because she embraces the un-embraceable; to shut up about things I do not understand like same sex marriage and drug abuse and adultery.
All this against everything any self-respecting, bible believing, missionary supporting, church going, cross wearing christian would have me do.
I wonder if I am being slowly degraded into a fleshly, worldly, humanistic mindset brought on by my seeming lone-wolf mentality. I am currently out from under the covering of a church elder leadership.
And I love it.
And this is where I lose the rest of my readers...
I feel free for the first time in my adult life. I feel free from the group mentality.
The borg collective if you will. Yeah...I feel unplugged. And the voices have stopped.
ha.
No, I still hear the voices. They are etched on tapes on an eternal loop in my mind.
Voices that tell me that the lost are on a lower human level than the saved. Voices that tell me that if it doesn't have a cross on it then it must be suspect. Voices that lead me to believe that worldly people are to be pitied, looked down upon, feared, changed, tolerated, proselytized and
assimilated...
I guess loved didn't make the priority list.
When I was in church I might have heard the word love...but the message was always about change. Do more, be more. Applies to you and those you are on track to save.
read that again.
when. did. the. church. get. in. the. business. of. salvation.
I thought that was God's job.
I thought the job of the church...the job of the body of Christ....was to love.
To me, loving means being able to stand beside someone who has ideas that are radically different from my own...without feeling the need to make their ideas look like mine.
1.22.2012
easy
IT'S SO EASY!!
I heard the words come out of my mouth and I felt the swell in my spirit as my mind began that flippy thing where a thousand for-instances and would be scenarios played leap frog through my heart.
We were talking about the why's and wherefore's of God and feeling the frustration that comes with the not knowing. Not knowing if you are right or wrong. Not knowing if where you are is ok especially compared to where you used to be. Not knowing if the people that you loved and trusted spoon fed you a load of crap or if you just see them as a bunch of yah-yah's now because you reject the you that used to open up and say ahhhh.
I sighed.
I sighed as I thought about how the only way to shut the stupid mouth of the deceiver is to agree to give up.
Silly as that sounds...just wrap up your angst in a technicolor bow and give it to Papa.
"Here ya go." plop.
"I'm not gonna think about this anymore."
I swear it worked.
So I sat there in the moment of realization...easy....it's that easy....woah.
woah.
it is so easy.
I swelled.
Do you know what this means?
If I can take all my not knowing and just not think about it anymore....
if I can forget about being right...
if I can forget about....being...wrong...ugh...
if I can forget about working harder at it
or better yet
if I can forget about all of it every last bit of it and just hand it back to Papa...
I don't know if you know how happy this makes me.
I feel pretty sure that I understand how many people there are out there that can smile and nod and tell me "yes, honey...we know" as they crack open their holy scriptures and point to here and here and here..."we know".
no.
that's not what I am talking about.
See, I thought about posting a thing on FB...
where I would just say "It's so EASY!"
and people would comment and there would be this discussion where I might try and explain what I meant and then they would cover me up with good words and exhortations
and yes-buts.
But I can't.
Cuz see...it just doesn't work like that.
You just have to know it. And I wish you did and hope you do.
This is so easy that it cannot be described it a devotional thought. Not in scripture. Not in quiet time or accountability not even in worship.
This is just.
(not just as in righteous but just as in nothing else...just)
And the more I think about it the more I feel the slants leaning in, pressing down, coming around to the side all sneaky like...
you gotta do
don't forget to
that's all well and good but
and then a list
have to's
But then I breath. And the breath I feel is sweet. It fills my lungs and my head swoons with the largeness of the thought. The sheer amount of oxygen it brings.
easy.
Jesus is so easy.
If you can forget all you ever knew. All you have ever been "taught".
And that is not a requirement. It is just what makes it easier for me.
I think it really is all the things that you don't have to do that makes it so giggly good.
You get to get in any position you want.
Quiet or loud.
Active or still.
Thinking or not.
You don't have to do a special thing. But you can if you want to.
Just...
See...nothing to finish that sentence.
And that's how easy it is.
For admissions sake I will say here that I am thinking of yokes. He talks about that.
But I am not putting that on you. You can take it up with Him if you want.
easy.
I realize how ambiguous I am being. And honestly I am not trying to. It is only that this is so big. So encompassing. It makes perfect sense and none at all.
(which I find to be true of most of the things of God)
I guess I am talking about freedom. I am talking about out of the box throw your hat in the air get out of jail free all your worldly debts paid off all expense paid trip to....wherever your heart desires.
And it requires nothing of you.
Which is not to say that you won't find yourself doing things...but because you get to...not cuz you have to.
Look, I have had my heart-fill of the cost of salvation. I have had the church and the deceiver make me aware of every cent paid for my soul. I have laid on the ground sullied and unworthy and squashed by the weight of all the things that needed doing.
All I wanted to do was love Him. But the weight of the to-do's was too much. I couldn't get up.
Right and wrong are very heavy. Dead weight.
They forgot to tell me that I didn't have to listen.
Good-GOD! (and I am not swearing when I say it)
I didn't have to listen? I didn't have to do? None of that was required of me to get Him?
If you hear me and this makes an ounce of sense please believe that I am as shocked as you are.
Because I had heard the words before but they always had a ps...
and now they don't.
Easy.
Freedom.
no experience necessary.
no requirements at all.
Just....freedom.
As we finished our talking I felt myself saying
"isn't it so ironic that the biggest battle you will face in your freedom is the fight against requirements."
I heard the words come out of my mouth and I felt the swell in my spirit as my mind began that flippy thing where a thousand for-instances and would be scenarios played leap frog through my heart.
We were talking about the why's and wherefore's of God and feeling the frustration that comes with the not knowing. Not knowing if you are right or wrong. Not knowing if where you are is ok especially compared to where you used to be. Not knowing if the people that you loved and trusted spoon fed you a load of crap or if you just see them as a bunch of yah-yah's now because you reject the you that used to open up and say ahhhh.
I sighed.
I sighed as I thought about how the only way to shut the stupid mouth of the deceiver is to agree to give up.
Silly as that sounds...just wrap up your angst in a technicolor bow and give it to Papa.
"Here ya go." plop.
"I'm not gonna think about this anymore."
I swear it worked.
So I sat there in the moment of realization...easy....it's that easy....woah.
woah.
it is so easy.
I swelled.
Do you know what this means?
If I can take all my not knowing and just not think about it anymore....
if I can forget about being right...
if I can forget about....being...wrong...ugh...
if I can forget about working harder at it
or better yet
if I can forget about all of it every last bit of it and just hand it back to Papa...
I don't know if you know how happy this makes me.
I feel pretty sure that I understand how many people there are out there that can smile and nod and tell me "yes, honey...we know" as they crack open their holy scriptures and point to here and here and here..."we know".
no.
that's not what I am talking about.
See, I thought about posting a thing on FB...
where I would just say "It's so EASY!"
and people would comment and there would be this discussion where I might try and explain what I meant and then they would cover me up with good words and exhortations
and yes-buts.
But I can't.
Cuz see...it just doesn't work like that.
You just have to know it. And I wish you did and hope you do.
This is so easy that it cannot be described it a devotional thought. Not in scripture. Not in quiet time or accountability not even in worship.
This is just.
(not just as in righteous but just as in nothing else...just)
And the more I think about it the more I feel the slants leaning in, pressing down, coming around to the side all sneaky like...
you gotta do
don't forget to
that's all well and good but
and then a list
have to's
But then I breath. And the breath I feel is sweet. It fills my lungs and my head swoons with the largeness of the thought. The sheer amount of oxygen it brings.
easy.
Jesus is so easy.
If you can forget all you ever knew. All you have ever been "taught".
And that is not a requirement. It is just what makes it easier for me.
I think it really is all the things that you don't have to do that makes it so giggly good.
You get to get in any position you want.
Quiet or loud.
Active or still.
Thinking or not.
You don't have to do a special thing. But you can if you want to.
Just...
See...nothing to finish that sentence.
And that's how easy it is.
For admissions sake I will say here that I am thinking of yokes. He talks about that.
But I am not putting that on you. You can take it up with Him if you want.
easy.
I realize how ambiguous I am being. And honestly I am not trying to. It is only that this is so big. So encompassing. It makes perfect sense and none at all.
(which I find to be true of most of the things of God)
I guess I am talking about freedom. I am talking about out of the box throw your hat in the air get out of jail free all your worldly debts paid off all expense paid trip to....wherever your heart desires.
And it requires nothing of you.
Which is not to say that you won't find yourself doing things...but because you get to...not cuz you have to.
Look, I have had my heart-fill of the cost of salvation. I have had the church and the deceiver make me aware of every cent paid for my soul. I have laid on the ground sullied and unworthy and squashed by the weight of all the things that needed doing.
All I wanted to do was love Him. But the weight of the to-do's was too much. I couldn't get up.
Right and wrong are very heavy. Dead weight.
They forgot to tell me that I didn't have to listen.
Good-GOD! (and I am not swearing when I say it)
I didn't have to listen? I didn't have to do? None of that was required of me to get Him?
If you hear me and this makes an ounce of sense please believe that I am as shocked as you are.
Because I had heard the words before but they always had a ps...
and now they don't.
Easy.
Freedom.
no experience necessary.
no requirements at all.
Just....freedom.
As we finished our talking I felt myself saying
"isn't it so ironic that the biggest battle you will face in your freedom is the fight against requirements."
11.12.2011
this is what I want when I go to the place they call "church"
Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.
You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.
source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/cheerslyrics.html
10.16.2011
in God we trust
"Just another testament to the power of prayer."
This said as the last word in a story about a precious birth.
sigh.
I still don't get it.
When someone says something like this I always have to think about how unfair it is for all those people who have lousy births because they didn't pray enough.
That thought always feels evil to me.
If you have read any of my past musings you know that I am having some rethinking in the faith/church/prayer/God department.
By this I mean: everything I ever thought about any of that is now being re-thunk.
ya follow?
Prayer is a huge re-think for me. I am actually to the point that I can no longer say "I will pray for you". I tell ya, that feels really strange.
I am not going into all this again. (did I just hear a big PTL?)
I just wanted to tell you my new phrase.
I shall tell it in a short story.
Last night an ambulance pulled up in front of my neighbors house. Her sweetie was taken to the hospital. His health is precarious on a good day. Today it was even worse. She was shaking and headed to her car to follow the ambulance. I told her to call me if she needed anything. As she drove off I felt bad that I did not say "I will pray for you". I could have. But I didn't.
Later I took that up with God.
(Here you might say I prayed...I will say I talked/communed/hung out)
I didn't ask God to make John better. I didn't ask Him to guide the doctor's hands. I didn't ask Him to give peace to Pat. In my "prayer" I just sat with Papa God and loved on John and Pat.
I took a few minutes to think about what I was praying about and what I was not praying about.
And, I figured out that what I was actually doing was trusting.
Trusting that I didn't need to tell God what to do or how to do it.
Trusting that He was there and would take care of everything.
I really didn't need to say "please take care of them and send the right people and guide the doctor..." and on and on and on.
I could think of lots to say...believe me. And all those words...for me...bring seeds of worry.
This quiet trust brought so much peace.
I was trusting them to Him. And trusting Him to them.
I was trusting with them. And I am sure for them at times.
I am sure that this is exactly what some people are doing when they say they are praying. But I am also sure that many prayers are not trust but worry. Then there are the prayers of ordering and begging and cajoling and micro-managing....And that is ok. He can handle all that.
I just don't want to do that any more. I want a new word.
So this is what I am going to say when the moment calls for me to use the "p" word.
"I will trust God with you." "I will trust God for you." "Let's trust God together for this."
If you can forgive my arrogance and ignore any thoughts that I am judging your theology (which I am not) can you give me your opinion on this new term?
What does it say to you?
I am really interested to know.
This said as the last word in a story about a precious birth.
sigh.
I still don't get it.
When someone says something like this I always have to think about how unfair it is for all those people who have lousy births because they didn't pray enough.
That thought always feels evil to me.
If you have read any of my past musings you know that I am having some rethinking in the faith/church/prayer/God department.
By this I mean: everything I ever thought about any of that is now being re-thunk.
ya follow?
Prayer is a huge re-think for me. I am actually to the point that I can no longer say "I will pray for you". I tell ya, that feels really strange.
I am not going into all this again. (did I just hear a big PTL?)
I just wanted to tell you my new phrase.
I shall tell it in a short story.
Last night an ambulance pulled up in front of my neighbors house. Her sweetie was taken to the hospital. His health is precarious on a good day. Today it was even worse. She was shaking and headed to her car to follow the ambulance. I told her to call me if she needed anything. As she drove off I felt bad that I did not say "I will pray for you". I could have. But I didn't.
Later I took that up with God.
(Here you might say I prayed...I will say I talked/communed/hung out)
I didn't ask God to make John better. I didn't ask Him to guide the doctor's hands. I didn't ask Him to give peace to Pat. In my "prayer" I just sat with Papa God and loved on John and Pat.
I took a few minutes to think about what I was praying about and what I was not praying about.
And, I figured out that what I was actually doing was trusting.
Trusting that I didn't need to tell God what to do or how to do it.
Trusting that He was there and would take care of everything.
I really didn't need to say "please take care of them and send the right people and guide the doctor..." and on and on and on.
I could think of lots to say...believe me. And all those words...for me...bring seeds of worry.
This quiet trust brought so much peace.
I was trusting them to Him. And trusting Him to them.
I was trusting with them. And I am sure for them at times.
I am sure that this is exactly what some people are doing when they say they are praying. But I am also sure that many prayers are not trust but worry. Then there are the prayers of ordering and begging and cajoling and micro-managing....And that is ok. He can handle all that.
I just don't want to do that any more. I want a new word.
So this is what I am going to say when the moment calls for me to use the "p" word.
"I will trust God with you." "I will trust God for you." "Let's trust God together for this."
If you can forgive my arrogance and ignore any thoughts that I am judging your theology (which I am not) can you give me your opinion on this new term?
What does it say to you?
I am really interested to know.
9.25.2011
honesty
I don't want to know about your savior
your life story don't mean nothing
to my used up heart
I just try to get through each day
and that has to be enough for me
so go away with your big stories
and your promises of rescue
from the life at least I understand
why do I want to trade it for
some unknown world that sounds too good
all I hear are words of empty praise
for a man I never heard of
from a stranger I have no reason yet to trust
you don't know where I been walking
don't be actin like we're long lost buds
put away your papers and your leather covered book
I don't want or need your good intentions
in my life
stuff your agenda in a secret place and lose it
I don't see the need you see in me
and I don't care to have you point it out
fact is
if I don't know you
I don't give a flyin flip about your God
I probably have heard of him before or known him long ago
but that was then
I got to deal with now
what he is to you is really none of my affair
and what he is or was to me is none of yours
if you really want to meet me where I am
find out where my heart hangs out
don't assume you know
because the pity breaks into your comfort zone
don't pretend that we're the same
or that I am like the last poor soul you came across
get to know me
it will not be easy
love me
with my wicked ways
live life with me awhile
and see what I see everyday
then introduce me to the one you love
the most
but honestly
by then
I bet we will have already met
your life story don't mean nothing
to my used up heart
I just try to get through each day
and that has to be enough for me
so go away with your big stories
and your promises of rescue
from the life at least I understand
why do I want to trade it for
some unknown world that sounds too good
all I hear are words of empty praise
for a man I never heard of
from a stranger I have no reason yet to trust
you don't know where I been walking
don't be actin like we're long lost buds
put away your papers and your leather covered book
I don't want or need your good intentions
in my life
stuff your agenda in a secret place and lose it
I don't see the need you see in me
and I don't care to have you point it out
fact is
if I don't know you
I don't give a flyin flip about your God
I probably have heard of him before or known him long ago
but that was then
I got to deal with now
what he is to you is really none of my affair
and what he is or was to me is none of yours
if you really want to meet me where I am
find out where my heart hangs out
don't assume you know
because the pity breaks into your comfort zone
don't pretend that we're the same
or that I am like the last poor soul you came across
get to know me
it will not be easy
love me
with my wicked ways
live life with me awhile
and see what I see everyday
then introduce me to the one you love
the most
but honestly
by then
I bet we will have already met
7.23.2011
Does God have a chrystal ball?
Have you heard the term "open theism"? I just recently encountered it and upon reading about it I have decided that I do not like it.
Open theism has a basic belief that the future has not yet been written and while God is omniscient He chooses to not know how it will all work out. Gah!!!
---I need a BIIIG God. I need Him to know everything about my future. I believe as Christians we are filled with power but I do not want to be the determiner of my future.
That said I do believe fully that trusting my Father means there are plenty of opportunities for Him to ask "what do you want to do honey...it is ok to make a choice."
I used to think that I would perish outside of the center of God's perfect will. I now believe that His perfect will is vast and often there is more than one center.
I also believe that when I get out of that will He follows me (in that my core belief is that He never ever leaves me).
He follows me and brings me back. He is bigger than my mistakes.
I am very thankful for that. ----
I wonder if the Lord's prayer is the exact answer to what I have been struggling with for prayer in general.
I struggle with the need that we seem to have to use toooo many words.
I imagine that the disciples were being hassled because pious people had observed that their slacker rabbi did not pray like the elders taught. I imagine that there were plenty of examples of proper prayers and proper pray-ers. There had to be much teaching on what to say and how to say it for the most impact (on God..and others).
With the Lord's Prayer, Jesus seems to be extending his teaching on the Sermon on the Mount where he quite pointedly called out the differences between the old, traditional,ways and His new ways.
So maybe He is telling them here that prayer is not what they used to think it was.
It is simple. It is trust. It is knowing that Father has this alll under control.
Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Wow...what confidence.
Submitting yourself to the Maker of heaven and earth and saying to Him (and to your own heart) that you like how he does things and you would like Him to continue as it pertains to everything about you.
Simple right?
So what is that will that we want done?
Ahhhh...there it gets harder.
I used to be paralyzed by searching out the will of God. Really struggled. Full of fear that I was gonna miss it. I would meditate on the scriptures about sheep knowing the voice of the shepherd. I would assure myself that I was a friend of God and He wanted to tell me His business and I just had to listen.
I would dwell on all the things I knew of God and get really frustrated that the Bible did not tell me where God did his grocery shopping or how long He prayed when He went into the garden and did He cover His head or not??? sheesh.
I would get all worked up because I needed to know what He would have me do. How could I possibly stay in His will with Him if I didn't have a clue what He wanted me to do next?!!
Now, I am one that believes in words of knowledge. I have felt the power of the Spirit to just know stuff about people. A lot actually. But for myself. No.
Dangit.
I would like some life answers for myself thankyouverymuch.
His answer...seemingly..."no."
Then, and I don't know when it happened, I just began to relax. I think it happened when I quit going to church. (another subject)
God had always been in my daily life. We hung out. I would live in peace on every day but Sunday. It took years to really figure out that the main message that made Sunday hellday was "here is another way to get it right cuz you are obviously screwing up all the other ways you have tried".
Or to be interpreted in the common vernacular "you suck".
I never felt that way except on Sunday. sigh.
Anyway, back to relaxing. When I quit having to hear God through the static of "Christian" regulations I began to realize that He had been speaking to me all along in such a simple manner that I had totally missed it. His will is just so simple.
Love.
He lives there ya know. In love. And every day He invites us to dwell with Him there.
Get this...when we walk in obedience we are naturally walking in love. When we are choosing obedience we are choosing to dwell with Him where he lives.
Yeah, that points back to love. Which points back to Him.
When we dwell with Him we dwell in peace.
Which in the Hebrew...shalom...means wholeness. Peace means wholeness.
That peace that God gives us...completes us. The fullness of God dwelling within us.
His Spirit in us.
When we live in relationship with Father we are choosing to live in His will. It becomes as simple as waking up in the morning. We get up. We brush our teeth. We go about our day. He goes with us. We go with Him.
In His will... if we are paying any kind of attention.
It is too simple for any words. It is living. And it feels like choosing our own way.
It feels indecent and slovenly.
But it isn't!
When we want Papa's heart we get it! His Spirit guides us so completely. We know what He wants. What He is thinking. We just do it and it becomes not just second nature...but first nature.
And then there are times when we aren't walking in obedience. We miss it due to laziness or out right rebellion. And even there...He walks with us. We are going to deal with consequences for our mistakes. But we are never going to be alone in them. He is going to be there to pick up the pieces and bring us back on track.
I really hope I am not filling you up with a lot of churchy words here. It is the last thing I want to do. To be all wordy and useless.
I want to walk with Papa in such a way that I feel His heart beat as my own. I don't believe that doing that makes me disappear. I believe that He created me just the way He wants me and as I grow and change He smiles on me. When I mess up He heals me. And He continues to use me as His. My weaknesses do not scare or surprise Him. He put them there.
He has a design for them.
And I love love love that my heart is continually changing from one that uses those weaknesses as excuses to one that knows that those weaknesses are surely exchanged for His glory.
Every time.
So in simple words...to find the will of God we need only look for Him. Ask Him where He is wanting to go today. Listen to His answers. Know that sometimes His answers are no more complex than "brush your teeth". Then we move on with the day trusting that He likes our company even more than we like His.
God knows our future. I am sure of this. His amazing freedom lets us choose the path we take and He walks right along beside us...whether or not we are walking in His perfect will for us.
Yes, read that again.
And you wanna know something else? He has this ability to walk with you, know your future, be in your future and work out your future for your good according to His purposes...no matter how bad you stink at your present.
Love Him. Obey Him. Do what you can do today...even if that means that you really mess it up.
Your Papa ain't goin anywhere. He knows. And He has it alllll under control.
Open theism has a basic belief that the future has not yet been written and while God is omniscient He chooses to not know how it will all work out. Gah!!!
---I need a BIIIG God. I need Him to know everything about my future. I believe as Christians we are filled with power but I do not want to be the determiner of my future.
That said I do believe fully that trusting my Father means there are plenty of opportunities for Him to ask "what do you want to do honey...it is ok to make a choice."
I used to think that I would perish outside of the center of God's perfect will. I now believe that His perfect will is vast and often there is more than one center.
I also believe that when I get out of that will He follows me (in that my core belief is that He never ever leaves me).
He follows me and brings me back. He is bigger than my mistakes.
I am very thankful for that. ----
I wonder if the Lord's prayer is the exact answer to what I have been struggling with for prayer in general.
I struggle with the need that we seem to have to use toooo many words.
I imagine that the disciples were being hassled because pious people had observed that their slacker rabbi did not pray like the elders taught. I imagine that there were plenty of examples of proper prayers and proper pray-ers. There had to be much teaching on what to say and how to say it for the most impact (on God..and others).
With the Lord's Prayer, Jesus seems to be extending his teaching on the Sermon on the Mount where he quite pointedly called out the differences between the old, traditional,ways and His new ways.
So maybe He is telling them here that prayer is not what they used to think it was.
It is simple. It is trust. It is knowing that Father has this alll under control.
Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Wow...what confidence.
Submitting yourself to the Maker of heaven and earth and saying to Him (and to your own heart) that you like how he does things and you would like Him to continue as it pertains to everything about you.
Simple right?
So what is that will that we want done?
Ahhhh...there it gets harder.
I used to be paralyzed by searching out the will of God. Really struggled. Full of fear that I was gonna miss it. I would meditate on the scriptures about sheep knowing the voice of the shepherd. I would assure myself that I was a friend of God and He wanted to tell me His business and I just had to listen.
I would dwell on all the things I knew of God and get really frustrated that the Bible did not tell me where God did his grocery shopping or how long He prayed when He went into the garden and did He cover His head or not??? sheesh.
I would get all worked up because I needed to know what He would have me do. How could I possibly stay in His will with Him if I didn't have a clue what He wanted me to do next?!!
Now, I am one that believes in words of knowledge. I have felt the power of the Spirit to just know stuff about people. A lot actually. But for myself. No.
Dangit.
I would like some life answers for myself thankyouverymuch.
His answer...seemingly..."no."
Then, and I don't know when it happened, I just began to relax. I think it happened when I quit going to church. (another subject)
God had always been in my daily life. We hung out. I would live in peace on every day but Sunday. It took years to really figure out that the main message that made Sunday hellday was "here is another way to get it right cuz you are obviously screwing up all the other ways you have tried".
Or to be interpreted in the common vernacular "you suck".
I never felt that way except on Sunday. sigh.
Anyway, back to relaxing. When I quit having to hear God through the static of "Christian" regulations I began to realize that He had been speaking to me all along in such a simple manner that I had totally missed it. His will is just so simple.
Love.
He lives there ya know. In love. And every day He invites us to dwell with Him there.
Get this...when we walk in obedience we are naturally walking in love. When we are choosing obedience we are choosing to dwell with Him where he lives.
Yeah, that points back to love. Which points back to Him.
When we dwell with Him we dwell in peace.
Which in the Hebrew...shalom...means wholeness. Peace means wholeness.
That peace that God gives us...completes us. The fullness of God dwelling within us.
His Spirit in us.
When we live in relationship with Father we are choosing to live in His will. It becomes as simple as waking up in the morning. We get up. We brush our teeth. We go about our day. He goes with us. We go with Him.
In His will... if we are paying any kind of attention.
It is too simple for any words. It is living. And it feels like choosing our own way.
It feels indecent and slovenly.
But it isn't!
When we want Papa's heart we get it! His Spirit guides us so completely. We know what He wants. What He is thinking. We just do it and it becomes not just second nature...but first nature.
And then there are times when we aren't walking in obedience. We miss it due to laziness or out right rebellion. And even there...He walks with us. We are going to deal with consequences for our mistakes. But we are never going to be alone in them. He is going to be there to pick up the pieces and bring us back on track.
I really hope I am not filling you up with a lot of churchy words here. It is the last thing I want to do. To be all wordy and useless.
I want to walk with Papa in such a way that I feel His heart beat as my own. I don't believe that doing that makes me disappear. I believe that He created me just the way He wants me and as I grow and change He smiles on me. When I mess up He heals me. And He continues to use me as His. My weaknesses do not scare or surprise Him. He put them there.
He has a design for them.
And I love love love that my heart is continually changing from one that uses those weaknesses as excuses to one that knows that those weaknesses are surely exchanged for His glory.
Every time.
So in simple words...to find the will of God we need only look for Him. Ask Him where He is wanting to go today. Listen to His answers. Know that sometimes His answers are no more complex than "brush your teeth". Then we move on with the day trusting that He likes our company even more than we like His.
God knows our future. I am sure of this. His amazing freedom lets us choose the path we take and He walks right along beside us...whether or not we are walking in His perfect will for us.
Yes, read that again.
And you wanna know something else? He has this ability to walk with you, know your future, be in your future and work out your future for your good according to His purposes...no matter how bad you stink at your present.
Love Him. Obey Him. Do what you can do today...even if that means that you really mess it up.
Your Papa ain't goin anywhere. He knows. And He has it alllll under control.
7.13.2011
seed producers
Today I was watching a documentary about organic food and sustainable farming.
Yes, I am one of those people.
Moving on...
So they were talking about seeds and the fact that most seeds available in the market today are produced in one of like 6 (or some small number like that ) facilities.
Get that? There are only a handful of seed producers out there and all of our food is essentially coming from them. Is there a problem with that?
Heck ya!
Slowly but surely likes and varieties of plants are being put out of production because they do not meet the real or perceived needs of the consumer in a way that brings in revenue for the seed producers. If it don't sell, we don't sell it.
Well, duh...that only makes sense.
The problem starts when the consumers are left with only a few foods that have been bred for color, taste, longevity, size, texture, blah blah blah to the eventual death of the supporting plant.
Ok I am quickly getting out of my league in sustainable food producing knowledge...let me try again.
In order to make consumers happy and ultimately turn a profit, seed production companies have dwindled the variety in their stock down to the very few best sellers. This has led to a shortage of gene stock among the plants. As plants are bred for certain qualities fewer and fewer stains are introduced. The resulting plants are "purer" and also weaker.
God has designed creation to thrive on diversity.
Sidenote...you know the beautiful strawberries you enjoy so every summer?? Well, every 5 or 6 years they have to have an entirely new breed ready for planting because the old breed will have completely worn itself out genetically and some bug or virus will move in and decimate the entire crop. Strawberries in the wild are not naturally the size of golfballs...did you know this?
So are you following ?
The big companies are the big companies because they make the money. They stay in business. They stay in business because they know how to please the consumer. The consumer has a very narrow idea of what they want. Usually they want bigger, cheaper, faster. The big companies provide this and the customers are happy and they keep buying from those companies and the result is that the gene pool for everything we eat is growing weaker and narrower.
That is a scary thing.
So I am watching this documentary and all of a sudden I feel this parallel.
Seed producers=church.
Big companies=mega churches.
Consumer=sheep=church goers.
Money=money (and people as commodities) .
Food=thought.
Go back and read that section again but insert mega-church in for seed producer. And etc...
Let's put that together and sprinkle a little anti-organized-church angst on it and see what we get.
I started thinking about mega churches. I looked at the trend we have going for churches to get bigger and bigger.
Bigger = success.
More butts in the seats=you are obviously doing something right.
Church goal becomes ...more butts in the seats.
So what happens when you have 10,000 people under the tutelage of one pastor? You get 10,000 sheep (church-goers) grazing in one pasture which leads to over grazing of that pasture for one thing and serious intestinal distress to the sheep if it turns out that that pasture has a parasite or there is a drought...or etc.
Again...What happens when 10,000 christians gather under one voice?
I am not talking about the voice of Jesus here. I am talking about the voice of Jesus as interpreted by Brother Jojo and his desire to touch the world with his ministry.
Maybe Bro. Jojo is a beautifully gifted preacher. Maybe he really hears from the Lord. And maybe he has a day like any normal human where he is feeling a little angsty and he has his panties in a wad because Jojo Jr. smart mouthed him on the way to the sanctuary and now he feels like he has a word from the Lord to the congregation about submission to your elders and discipline of the laymen when in reality the word from God was about parents not antagonizing their children but he missed that part because his self righteous button got all stuck in the on position.
Maybe that day turns into a week and a sermonal series as the "Amen" section gets warmed up, because they do do that sometimes. And maybe church leadership starts clamping down on feedback night because they feel the word coming down from the Pastor about getting things under control.
Whew. I think I need a drink.
Ok. What about that? Do you see that in a mega church scenario Bro. Jojo has unwittingly influenced 10,000 christians with his parental angst?
Maybe you think that was a little simplistic.
Maybe you think "well, mega churches have programs and small groups and other things where fresh thought (food) is introduced".
But do they really?
Or do the small groups feed from the word as presented on Sunday by Bro Jojo?
Is the teaching in the classrooms fresh thought?
Or is it curriculum approved by the leadership for the good of the body (of 10,000) under the leadership of Bro Jojo and his angst?
Could this scenario be viewed as a parasite...or a drought...that will be directly infecting and affecting 10,000 sheep in the very near future?
Could that be a problem?
So that is one illustration...but it doesn't really address the stuff I started ranting about.
Yes, I got off subject. Surprised?
Anyway...I started ranting about seeds and how big companies are narrowing the gene pool in response to what consumers want. Lets explore that for a minute or ten, shall we?
Again lets say that we are dealing with 10,000 people. These people are products of society. Generally, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, these people are sheep.
Sheep in the way that they follow one another, are easily led, gullible, delicate in constitution, susceptible to disease and predators, short sighted, picky, persnickety, and ornery.
Sheep want what they want, when they want it, in a form that is easy to get and they don't really care much about the dangers presented in getting it.
People=sheep. Sheep=people. In mass....bahhhhhhhhhhhh....
Pastors (shepherds in the biblical sense) in their good hearted way want to keep the sheep safe and happy. Pastors in the human sense are very easily influenced by the need to get more. More is better. More Butts in the seats= doing something right.
So, to keep the sheep happy, I think it would be really easy for church leadership to cater to what sells. Shorter sermons...smiley faces. Lighter topics...smiley faces.
Wait...am I proposing long heavy sermons...gah! no!!!
So length and topic are not the main points here.
The main point is about weakening the gene pool.
Let's say that the sheeple are really on top of things. They like pithy, heartfelt sermons that speak to their hearts on a deep level and motivate them to good deeds and higher living.
Nice!
Now lets say that Bro. Jojo is really that kind of preacher. Let's forget about his angst and concentrate on his strength.
He is really really into helping the poor. His sermons move the people out into the world to help the poor. It is wonderful the things they do to help the poor. 10,000 people hearing sermons every Sunday about helping the poor.
Wonderful!
And every homegroup in that church is about helping the poor and it's all so amazing.
Except for the fact that this body of believers has absolutely no skill whatsoever in welcoming anybody into their fellowship. They really suck at it in fact. Newcomers just mess with the chi of the organization.You are constantly having to show them what to do and waste time teaching them technique and proper care and handling of the poor. And children, well, if they can't pull their own weight they might as well play in the street. (except poor children of course cuz they are wonderful)
Do you see?
It is wonderful what Bro Jojo is teaching. But it is one sided. It is always going to be one sided.
And even if the leadership is working together they are still going to come to a consensus for their body that is going to be "one voice".
If we continue to condense our churches into mega communities we are going to start losing our voices. We will, and have already begun to, let the majority rule. We have let our interpretation of scripture come from a few "professional" voices and while that message may be big and shiny and polished it may not be the healthiest way to consume.
Easiest...yes.
But without a diversity of thought and idea and heart and experience and voice we are going to find ourselves all thinking alike. Our thought/food is going to be super bred to only what we want to consume. As the choices of thought get narrower our ability to think outside the box will shrink.
We need think about this.
If you have 10,000 people hearing one sermon you may come away with 10,000 interpretations of that sermon but you still have one central train of thought. In the way that mega churches are designed you will have those 10,000 people breaking up into 1000 groups of people that may talk further about that sermon but still...that one sermon is the core topic.
That one sermon...even if based on a word straight from God is still presented from one man's view.
That is pretty limiting on the vastness that is God.
And that is if they really do home groups well. Mostly those 10,000 people will pay their dues, punch their attendance card and leave having not really thought about the sermon at all much less apply it to their lives. hmmmm....
So what is the flipside?
Let's say there are 10,000 people in small groups meeting in homes not necessarily influenced by one pastor. 1000 small groups doing community stuff in their homes and neighborhoods. 1000 different words from the Lord being discussed and implemented in the lives of the 10,000 people. Say each small group has 10 people. That means there is actually a potential for 10 different ideas and words from God to be presented and prayed and batted about and worked into the lives of those 10 people. 10 ideas. 10 words from God. Not one as interpreted by Pastor Bro. Jojo...ten. Ten words.
(I know I could be exaggerating but let's just go with it) 10 x 10,000 ideas and words that have been developed to a working point.
wow. that is a lot.
If that seems too grandiose...let's not be so optimistic...what if each small group was really kinda narrow minded in that they only wanted one word each week. That is still 1000 words to work from instead of O.N.E.
I know...there are a million ways that this is ignorant and obtuse. I know that I am not exploring all the ins and outs of this vast topic. I am talking about one side of this thing. Something to think about that doesn't necessarily cover all the aspects.
It is just one idea that may be stupid... but it is also possible that it is something worth thinking about. Because all I am saying here is that I never really thought about this before. So I am thinking. That's all. Just thinking about seed...
Any thoughts?
Yes, I am one of those people.
Moving on...
So they were talking about seeds and the fact that most seeds available in the market today are produced in one of like 6 (or some small number like that ) facilities.
Get that? There are only a handful of seed producers out there and all of our food is essentially coming from them. Is there a problem with that?
Heck ya!
Slowly but surely likes and varieties of plants are being put out of production because they do not meet the real or perceived needs of the consumer in a way that brings in revenue for the seed producers. If it don't sell, we don't sell it.
Well, duh...that only makes sense.
The problem starts when the consumers are left with only a few foods that have been bred for color, taste, longevity, size, texture, blah blah blah to the eventual death of the supporting plant.
Ok I am quickly getting out of my league in sustainable food producing knowledge...let me try again.
In order to make consumers happy and ultimately turn a profit, seed production companies have dwindled the variety in their stock down to the very few best sellers. This has led to a shortage of gene stock among the plants. As plants are bred for certain qualities fewer and fewer stains are introduced. The resulting plants are "purer" and also weaker.
God has designed creation to thrive on diversity.
Sidenote...you know the beautiful strawberries you enjoy so every summer?? Well, every 5 or 6 years they have to have an entirely new breed ready for planting because the old breed will have completely worn itself out genetically and some bug or virus will move in and decimate the entire crop. Strawberries in the wild are not naturally the size of golfballs...did you know this?
So are you following ?
The big companies are the big companies because they make the money. They stay in business. They stay in business because they know how to please the consumer. The consumer has a very narrow idea of what they want. Usually they want bigger, cheaper, faster. The big companies provide this and the customers are happy and they keep buying from those companies and the result is that the gene pool for everything we eat is growing weaker and narrower.
That is a scary thing.
So I am watching this documentary and all of a sudden I feel this parallel.
Seed producers=church.
Big companies=mega churches.
Consumer=sheep=church goers.
Money=money (and people as commodities) .
Food=thought.
Go back and read that section again but insert mega-church in for seed producer. And etc...
Let's put that together and sprinkle a little anti-organized-church angst on it and see what we get.
I started thinking about mega churches. I looked at the trend we have going for churches to get bigger and bigger.
Bigger = success.
More butts in the seats=you are obviously doing something right.
Church goal becomes ...more butts in the seats.
So what happens when you have 10,000 people under the tutelage of one pastor? You get 10,000 sheep (church-goers) grazing in one pasture which leads to over grazing of that pasture for one thing and serious intestinal distress to the sheep if it turns out that that pasture has a parasite or there is a drought...or etc.
Again...What happens when 10,000 christians gather under one voice?
I am not talking about the voice of Jesus here. I am talking about the voice of Jesus as interpreted by Brother Jojo and his desire to touch the world with his ministry.
Maybe Bro. Jojo is a beautifully gifted preacher. Maybe he really hears from the Lord. And maybe he has a day like any normal human where he is feeling a little angsty and he has his panties in a wad because Jojo Jr. smart mouthed him on the way to the sanctuary and now he feels like he has a word from the Lord to the congregation about submission to your elders and discipline of the laymen when in reality the word from God was about parents not antagonizing their children but he missed that part because his self righteous button got all stuck in the on position.
Maybe that day turns into a week and a sermonal series as the "Amen" section gets warmed up, because they do do that sometimes. And maybe church leadership starts clamping down on feedback night because they feel the word coming down from the Pastor about getting things under control.
Whew. I think I need a drink.
Ok. What about that? Do you see that in a mega church scenario Bro. Jojo has unwittingly influenced 10,000 christians with his parental angst?
Maybe you think that was a little simplistic.
Maybe you think "well, mega churches have programs and small groups and other things where fresh thought (food) is introduced".
But do they really?
Or do the small groups feed from the word as presented on Sunday by Bro Jojo?
Is the teaching in the classrooms fresh thought?
Or is it curriculum approved by the leadership for the good of the body (of 10,000) under the leadership of Bro Jojo and his angst?
Could this scenario be viewed as a parasite...or a drought...that will be directly infecting and affecting 10,000 sheep in the very near future?
Could that be a problem?
So that is one illustration...but it doesn't really address the stuff I started ranting about.
Yes, I got off subject. Surprised?
Anyway...I started ranting about seeds and how big companies are narrowing the gene pool in response to what consumers want. Lets explore that for a minute or ten, shall we?
Again lets say that we are dealing with 10,000 people. These people are products of society. Generally, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, these people are sheep.
Sheep in the way that they follow one another, are easily led, gullible, delicate in constitution, susceptible to disease and predators, short sighted, picky, persnickety, and ornery.
Sheep want what they want, when they want it, in a form that is easy to get and they don't really care much about the dangers presented in getting it.
People=sheep. Sheep=people. In mass....bahhhhhhhhhhhh....
Pastors (shepherds in the biblical sense) in their good hearted way want to keep the sheep safe and happy. Pastors in the human sense are very easily influenced by the need to get more. More is better. More Butts in the seats= doing something right.
So, to keep the sheep happy, I think it would be really easy for church leadership to cater to what sells. Shorter sermons...smiley faces. Lighter topics...smiley faces.
Wait...am I proposing long heavy sermons...gah! no!!!
So length and topic are not the main points here.
The main point is about weakening the gene pool.
Let's say that the sheeple are really on top of things. They like pithy, heartfelt sermons that speak to their hearts on a deep level and motivate them to good deeds and higher living.
Nice!
Now lets say that Bro. Jojo is really that kind of preacher. Let's forget about his angst and concentrate on his strength.
He is really really into helping the poor. His sermons move the people out into the world to help the poor. It is wonderful the things they do to help the poor. 10,000 people hearing sermons every Sunday about helping the poor.
Wonderful!
And every homegroup in that church is about helping the poor and it's all so amazing.
Except for the fact that this body of believers has absolutely no skill whatsoever in welcoming anybody into their fellowship. They really suck at it in fact. Newcomers just mess with the chi of the organization.You are constantly having to show them what to do and waste time teaching them technique and proper care and handling of the poor. And children, well, if they can't pull their own weight they might as well play in the street. (except poor children of course cuz they are wonderful)
Do you see?
It is wonderful what Bro Jojo is teaching. But it is one sided. It is always going to be one sided.
And even if the leadership is working together they are still going to come to a consensus for their body that is going to be "one voice".
If we continue to condense our churches into mega communities we are going to start losing our voices. We will, and have already begun to, let the majority rule. We have let our interpretation of scripture come from a few "professional" voices and while that message may be big and shiny and polished it may not be the healthiest way to consume.
Easiest...yes.
But without a diversity of thought and idea and heart and experience and voice we are going to find ourselves all thinking alike. Our thought/food is going to be super bred to only what we want to consume. As the choices of thought get narrower our ability to think outside the box will shrink.
We need think about this.
If you have 10,000 people hearing one sermon you may come away with 10,000 interpretations of that sermon but you still have one central train of thought. In the way that mega churches are designed you will have those 10,000 people breaking up into 1000 groups of people that may talk further about that sermon but still...that one sermon is the core topic.
That one sermon...even if based on a word straight from God is still presented from one man's view.
That is pretty limiting on the vastness that is God.
And that is if they really do home groups well. Mostly those 10,000 people will pay their dues, punch their attendance card and leave having not really thought about the sermon at all much less apply it to their lives. hmmmm....
So what is the flipside?
Let's say there are 10,000 people in small groups meeting in homes not necessarily influenced by one pastor. 1000 small groups doing community stuff in their homes and neighborhoods. 1000 different words from the Lord being discussed and implemented in the lives of the 10,000 people. Say each small group has 10 people. That means there is actually a potential for 10 different ideas and words from God to be presented and prayed and batted about and worked into the lives of those 10 people. 10 ideas. 10 words from God. Not one as interpreted by Pastor Bro. Jojo...ten. Ten words.
(I know I could be exaggerating but let's just go with it) 10 x 10,000 ideas and words that have been developed to a working point.
wow. that is a lot.
If that seems too grandiose...let's not be so optimistic...what if each small group was really kinda narrow minded in that they only wanted one word each week. That is still 1000 words to work from instead of O.N.E.
I know...there are a million ways that this is ignorant and obtuse. I know that I am not exploring all the ins and outs of this vast topic. I am talking about one side of this thing. Something to think about that doesn't necessarily cover all the aspects.
It is just one idea that may be stupid... but it is also possible that it is something worth thinking about. Because all I am saying here is that I never really thought about this before. So I am thinking. That's all. Just thinking about seed...
Any thoughts?
6.05.2011
jumping ship
I wrote this in response to a very sincere question about why the "faithful" are leaving the church. I posted it anonymously...cuz I am a chicken. I post it here now because I am trying to be braver.
Read it fast because I may take it off in a moment of sanity.
-----------------------------------------
Dear Concerned Pastor,
I am going wayyy out on a limb here to answer you because you said you really want to know.You said it in a way that seemed sweet and honest and I just felt compelled to answer. So here goes.
I am one of the faithful that has chosen not to attend church.
(wait right there…I could put in so many quotation marks it would make your head spin so I am going to try to write this without “…”. )
I am not going to blast you. I think you have a right to your belief and opinion. I just want to tell you briefly (or not) why I no longer go to that place on Sunday that people have taken to calling church. I simply do not believe that the things that happen within that organization are the things that the Lord intended when He spoke of the body and our need for it. I believe that the church exists. I believe that it is the body of Christ. I believe that I am a member of it. I love getting together with believers and talking about God. I also love getting together with unbelievers and talking about God. I love talking to God. I love talking with God. I love it. Every day. Every way. I do not buy any talk about wearing certain clothes…acting with certain reverence…or setting aside special time to be my Lord. (whew…that was really hard to type without quote marks) He is with me. I am with Him. Constantly. He does not care what I am wearing or how I am physically positioned: ie kneeling, standing, bowing, or waving. He does not care what day of the week it is or if I am dedicated enough to be with him before a sturdy breakfast or long-suffering enough to stick with Him even if it means cutting into an even sturdier lunch.
I see the need to be with my family. My church family. I really see the need for that. I want to build relationships. I want to know people on a heart level. What I get in Sunday-go-to-meeting is back of the head relationships. I want to help people in a real way that sees to their daily needs. What I get by giving to the organized church is a real time face lift to the big building fund. I get tired of funding the marble sink ministry. Wow. That even shocks me to see that typed out. Harsh.
I want real fresh bread. The Word given from a heart that has been asking for and rolling around in a current love affair with the Father of creation. What I get are sermons that tell me a million ways that I do not measure up to the God that loves me enough to change me into something better than the way I am. Yet He is the one who made me? ! I know, sin, blah blah blah….I totally get that. Separation…yeah. No. I don’t buy it. I do not go to the thing we like to call church because I found that I would come home every Sunday and spend the afternoon de-toxing my children from the garbage they had stuffed into them about God and how unreachable He really is if we are honest with ourselves about how despicable we really are. Yes I said garbage.
Just to be perfectly clear here…I believe in Jesus. The one and only Son of God. He is the only way. Truth. He is the only way. I cannot get to Heaven on my own. Only by claiming the Truth, His truth, am I set free from the power of sin. Whew! I looove that. Freedom. I breathe it in deep. And I reject the things that “church” as we know it has come to stand for. Namely, pulling yourself together enough to gather once or more a week with other of the self proclaimed worthless faithful to be shepherded by a strict code of pseudo scriptural ethics into a legalistic highway of superiority and right. All this…I reject.
I could write so so so much more. Any little topic here could be batted around for hours. Do I think you are going to hell and leading others there? Probably not. I don’t know you. Who am I to say anyway. Am I going to hell for not being in church every time the doors are open (I used to believe that was the only way to fly.) Am I? Not if Jesus has anything to say about it. Breathe it in. Freedom.
I know this was harsh. I sincerely mean it when I say that I could look you in the eyes and say this to you with love. (even tho I don’t know you) I come from a family of pastors and church-loving-go-every-time-the-doors-open-folks…I love them all. I think they need to do what they think is right. No slamming. They get freedom too.
Aren’t you glad you asked?
ps...
Here is a little part two…(don’t be scared)You point blank asked…so I point blank answered. I realize that because we have no relationship you do not have the benefit of knowing my lifelong history of going to church and my lifelong process of searching for the truth.
I do not have the benefit of knowing you and where you are coming from. I just have a blog entry. And I responded in anonymity. That is not fair to you or your readers.
Ultimately…I stand by my words. But I stand by them in love and acceptance of you and I being in different places. I think the church organization is in a bad place. I think that it needs to be addressed. But it should not necessarily be taken on without the love relationship that comes from walking beside one another. Bless you in your journey for truth.
6.04.2011
gotcha where I wantcha...
I want to demonstrate my trust in your open heart.
Not that you need that.
Just that I want to say that so you can know that I am sharing something that has really hit my heart heavily. Ready?
I HATE this statement.
"Satan will give us everything in this world in order to gain our souls, Jesus will take everything away from us in order to gain our souls."
(before I go further...I do not know the full context of this statement. In a second I am going to rant about the words and other places this sentence has been used. I am not ranting about this one person saying this one thing in love...that is their business)
Ok, back to ranting.
This statement is bouncing around on my friend list. You may have seen it.
You don't have to hate it but I do and I have to say it to someone or I will pop. So I chose you.
Luuucky!
Once, when I was a bout 10 yrs old I sat at bible camp and listened to a man speak during evening "worship" service. He talked about his terrible car wreck that ended up with the death of his fiance. He went on to tell us that he had previously prayed "please Lord, remove everything from my life that is standing between me and a closer relationship with you" Then she was "taken" from him... His big finish...be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.
I will say that that talk did anything BUT draw me closer to God.
I was terrified of a God that was so selfish that He would strip me of everything to get closer to me.
One person even used this statement in reference to the people in Joplin after the tornado. Talking about how lucky they are that God has their best interest at heart.
Do you find that completely obtuse? Can you hear my rage at this??
I have been reading a few blogs and community forums around the Joplin tornado and what I see is that non-believers are not drawn to God by trite comments of believers relating to the goodness of God in the face of their losing everything.
For instance, there is a picture that shows total devastation on every side and focuses on a church building in the midst of all that with a cross intact on it's roof.
Church people on the forum were praising God and talking about the fabulous testimony to God that the cross was left standing.
Other people were not necessarily in favor of those churchy comments.
From what I have seen...the Christians are really praising God for all sorts of stuff about how this devastation is a perfect way for God to come in and rescue people, blah, blah, blah....and the non-believers are really wishing the Christians would just shut the hell up. (yes I said hell.)
That said...I am a firm believer that your soul is more important to God than any possession you may have. If it isn't good for you He might see the need to remove it.
Just like I would forcibly remove my child from dancing freely on the edge of a cliff...no matter if she were kicking and screaming on exit.
But I do not go around wielding a hook and a gong to remove everything from them if I find that they are not toeing the line.
Why do Christians think...or rather, not think....that they can say churchy stuff and make everyone feel better? Why do Christians believe that Bible verses quoted in or out of context is a cure all for hurting? Why do Christians go around bashing my lovely Friend with their made up crap about justice and righteous living and tragedy bringing redemption?
I am just fed up.
Yet I say nothing. Ain't my business. (or is it?)
I believe that God is big enough to take care of Himself and His own reputation. I don't even think a sullied reputation matters to Him in the slightest.
Should I just let it go then? Is a sigh enough?
I can't force relationship. He doesn't even force that. Which is kinda ironic since the whole premise of this ire is based on people talking about how God forces you into relationship like a cow into a chute.
"I will let you think you have a choice but in reality I will close all the gates ahead of you leaving you only one way to go...slaughter. Walk towards the light........."
Sigh.
None of this is very loving. It is a tirade. Me banging my finger determinedly on your chest bone in an attempt to make you stop staying what you are saying.
Step. Off.
I wish you could quit looking at my Father with the eyes of a cowed puppy.
I want you to stop looking at my Lover through the eyes of self righteous religion.
Please, believe me when I say you have got Him all wrong. You were taught wrong. You have learned wrong. He doesn't operate like you think.
Think about it. If you provide comfort by saying that your lack is God's mercy then every blessing becomes a curse.
If you look at a death-bed as God's providence for your soul then how can you pray for restoration?
If you credit Satan with giving you everything then how can you account for the scripture that says "every good and perfect gift comes from above"?!
Maybe we don't get where we want to get evangalistically because we insist on telling the lost and hurting that God has them exactly where He wants them. Sometimes, injust so many words.
And yet...the words of God are not always pleasant promises. I get that. There is lots of hard stuff in there.
But then, they are! Green pastures, easy yokes, you know...good stuff.
How do you get it if you don't get it? Holy Spirit is the only one who can make it clear.
I am so tired of thinking these thoughts and banging my head on these brick walls.
Sigh again.
I feel so very offensive writing this stuff down. Yet, I also feel so very offended to let it go without a word.
I want to say what I think and since this is my page I guess this is the place to say it. So I am.
I can't even begin to go into all I think about because it overwhelms me. The magnitude of it all.
Even after I have said all of the above I still stand by this...
our personal protection is not God's number one priority.
I firmly believe in a loving God and I can say that without blinking an eye.
But I think going around and saying that to hurting people...especially those without a firm relationship with Papa...is a mistake.
Complicated little sucker ain't I?
If you read this and are deeply offended...maybe it is because this topic is offensive. Maybe we all need to rethink the things that we say and the thoughts that we think.
I am just gonna have to let it go at that.
I don't want to blast peoples' personal beliefs. But that uptight, upright, church belief...Yeah, I wanna blast that a while. Wanna join me?
Not that you need that.
Just that I want to say that so you can know that I am sharing something that has really hit my heart heavily. Ready?
I HATE this statement.
"Satan will give us everything in this world in order to gain our souls, Jesus will take everything away from us in order to gain our souls."
(before I go further...I do not know the full context of this statement. In a second I am going to rant about the words and other places this sentence has been used. I am not ranting about this one person saying this one thing in love...that is their business)
Ok, back to ranting.
This statement is bouncing around on my friend list. You may have seen it.
You don't have to hate it but I do and I have to say it to someone or I will pop. So I chose you.
Luuucky!
Once, when I was a bout 10 yrs old I sat at bible camp and listened to a man speak during evening "worship" service. He talked about his terrible car wreck that ended up with the death of his fiance. He went on to tell us that he had previously prayed "please Lord, remove everything from my life that is standing between me and a closer relationship with you" Then she was "taken" from him... His big finish...be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.
I will say that that talk did anything BUT draw me closer to God.
I was terrified of a God that was so selfish that He would strip me of everything to get closer to me.
One person even used this statement in reference to the people in Joplin after the tornado. Talking about how lucky they are that God has their best interest at heart.
Do you find that completely obtuse? Can you hear my rage at this??
I have been reading a few blogs and community forums around the Joplin tornado and what I see is that non-believers are not drawn to God by trite comments of believers relating to the goodness of God in the face of their losing everything.
For instance, there is a picture that shows total devastation on every side and focuses on a church building in the midst of all that with a cross intact on it's roof.
Church people on the forum were praising God and talking about the fabulous testimony to God that the cross was left standing.
Other people were not necessarily in favor of those churchy comments.
From what I have seen...the Christians are really praising God for all sorts of stuff about how this devastation is a perfect way for God to come in and rescue people, blah, blah, blah....and the non-believers are really wishing the Christians would just shut the hell up. (yes I said hell.)
That said...I am a firm believer that your soul is more important to God than any possession you may have. If it isn't good for you He might see the need to remove it.
Just like I would forcibly remove my child from dancing freely on the edge of a cliff...no matter if she were kicking and screaming on exit.
But I do not go around wielding a hook and a gong to remove everything from them if I find that they are not toeing the line.
Why do Christians think...or rather, not think....that they can say churchy stuff and make everyone feel better? Why do Christians believe that Bible verses quoted in or out of context is a cure all for hurting? Why do Christians go around bashing my lovely Friend with their made up crap about justice and righteous living and tragedy bringing redemption?
I am just fed up.
Yet I say nothing. Ain't my business. (or is it?)
I believe that God is big enough to take care of Himself and His own reputation. I don't even think a sullied reputation matters to Him in the slightest.
Should I just let it go then? Is a sigh enough?
I can't force relationship. He doesn't even force that. Which is kinda ironic since the whole premise of this ire is based on people talking about how God forces you into relationship like a cow into a chute.
"I will let you think you have a choice but in reality I will close all the gates ahead of you leaving you only one way to go...slaughter. Walk towards the light........."
Sigh.
None of this is very loving. It is a tirade. Me banging my finger determinedly on your chest bone in an attempt to make you stop staying what you are saying.
Step. Off.
I wish you could quit looking at my Father with the eyes of a cowed puppy.
I want you to stop looking at my Lover through the eyes of self righteous religion.
Please, believe me when I say you have got Him all wrong. You were taught wrong. You have learned wrong. He doesn't operate like you think.
Think about it. If you provide comfort by saying that your lack is God's mercy then every blessing becomes a curse.
If you look at a death-bed as God's providence for your soul then how can you pray for restoration?
If you credit Satan with giving you everything then how can you account for the scripture that says "every good and perfect gift comes from above"?!
Maybe we don't get where we want to get evangalistically because we insist on telling the lost and hurting that God has them exactly where He wants them. Sometimes, injust so many words.
And yet...the words of God are not always pleasant promises. I get that. There is lots of hard stuff in there.
But then, they are! Green pastures, easy yokes, you know...good stuff.
How do you get it if you don't get it? Holy Spirit is the only one who can make it clear.
I am so tired of thinking these thoughts and banging my head on these brick walls.
Sigh again.
I feel so very offensive writing this stuff down. Yet, I also feel so very offended to let it go without a word.
I want to say what I think and since this is my page I guess this is the place to say it. So I am.
I can't even begin to go into all I think about because it overwhelms me. The magnitude of it all.
Even after I have said all of the above I still stand by this...
our personal protection is not God's number one priority.
I firmly believe in a loving God and I can say that without blinking an eye.
But I think going around and saying that to hurting people...especially those without a firm relationship with Papa...is a mistake.
Complicated little sucker ain't I?
If you read this and are deeply offended...maybe it is because this topic is offensive. Maybe we all need to rethink the things that we say and the thoughts that we think.
I am just gonna have to let it go at that.
I don't want to blast peoples' personal beliefs. But that uptight, upright, church belief...Yeah, I wanna blast that a while. Wanna join me?
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