could be anything. might be nothing. might make you think. could make you wish I would stop.
breathe people...everything is easier when you breathe!


Policy decisions


Honestly, honesty is one of those subjects that bring out the worst in me. I like to think I am an honest person but my reality reveals me in a world of fabrication, exaggeration, and denial.

I make junk up.

For instance, if you call me and I am sleeping...I will try to make you believe that I am not.
"no. not asleep. just resting here. with my eyes closed. but I was about to get up anyway."
Now I can see how a person might want to pretend to be awake if they are caught napping by their boss in the middle of the workday. But tell me the sane reasoning behind feigning alertness when you are awakened at 7 am by your dad (or some other crazy morning person) who just randomly calls you before you have had your morning pee.
Am I trying to hide my slovenly nature? Is this an attempt to claim admiration? what?

How about this...I am driving in my neighborhood and I see this car with a wild paint job. Days later I see another car with a wild paint job. Might even be the same one but you don't really think about it. Another day, same neighborhood, crazy paint job car is spotted by my kid.
I might find myself saying "I know!! What is up with all these crazy paint jobs? I see these cars everywhere!"

I clean up the house. I do it every day.(see that may or may not be the exact truth)
I pick up shoes and clothes and other stuff. I get irritated at a kid seen dropping his coat on the floor. I might be heard saying "Get your coat off the floor! I picked up your coat at least four times today!!"...whether or not that is the truth.

I am supposed to be at a family function at 3pm. It takes 1 hr to drive to said function. I will get caught up with something and actually leave my house at 2:25. I will wait til I am in my car before I call family member and tell them..." We're on our way. Be there soon!" I will say this in such a way as to lead the listener to believe that we are almost there instead of revealing the reality that we just left and we will be at least 25 minutes late.
I know I am not the only one who has a problem with this.

"I will be ready to go in 5 minutes."

"Mommy just needs to finish this up. It will only be a sec."

"I'll be right there."

"Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can."
(this one could actually be truth in some parallel universe. Problem is, I live in denial about how soon "I can" really is.)

What is the matter with me?

I am going to attempt a little self psychoanalysis here.

I hate conflict. I hate for you to be upset. I hate for me to be upset. I don't want to look bad. I want you to like me. I want you to believe the best about me. I do not want to admit that I have failed or fallen short of the "norm". I want to live up to your expectation. I want to exceed your expectation. More is better. My reality is not good enough.

Will the world spin off its tilt if I tell the truth? Will my technicolor life fade to gray if I reveal the unexaggerated facts? Will I physically shrink as you think less of me based on my realistic time approximations?

Interesting thoughts.

Let's try it.

"Yes, I was asleep. It is 7 am. I will be up at 10."
"Cool. I have seen that car a few times now. Maybe they live near here."
"Pick up your coat if you want to live." (ok...that is as truthful as I can make it)
"I am going to be 25 minutes late. I am just leaving. I am sorry to be late."
"I don't know how long this will take. I will try to be quick."

Learning to live in reality. It is a hard thing.
Note to self (and others) --
Face your own limitations and understand that your denial of the physical laws of nature (ie; time, distance, money, personal accountability) does not bless the ones around you as they wait for your super powers to be revealed.


Topic two...for another day....
Making promises you can't keep.


seasonal redux

In case you missed it last year...ho-ho-ho...

this is the one where I get all snarky (and say a bad word)
--does Jesus hang a stocking

this is the one where I apologize (but I might not really mean it)
--here's me with a little more grace

and this one is where I get all misty (but don't make you witness it)
--singing loud for all to hear


grim poetry

today I am found sick
and sick is as a colorless rainbow
completely useless in its existence
unless of course one sees the benefit of white celled war
in strengthening
one hardly knows just how to set a peaceful cap
on sniffles rife with snot
and coughing lungs all blown apart with rifle shots
amongst the dire need for sleep
will this day end
one questions yet again
while watching one and nother of the group go down
a viral epidemic with a piteous grip
it holds the family captive
they moan and groan
and wish for retribution
but it will not be found
for I am sick...