I heard the words come out of my mouth and I felt the swell in my spirit as my mind began that flippy thing where a thousand for-instances and would be scenarios played leap frog through my heart.
We were talking about the why's and wherefore's of God and feeling the frustration that comes with the not knowing. Not knowing if you are right or wrong. Not knowing if where you are is ok especially compared to where you used to be. Not knowing if the people that you loved and trusted spoon fed you a load of crap or if you just see them as a bunch of yah-yah's now because you reject the you that used to open up and say ahhhh.
I sighed as I thought about how the only way to shut the stupid mouth of the deceiver is to agree to give up.
Silly as that sounds...just wrap up your angst in a technicolor bow and give it to Papa.
"Here ya go." plop.
"I'm not gonna think about this anymore."
I swear it worked.
So I sat there in the moment of realization...easy....it's that easy....woah.
it is so easy.
Do you know what this means?
If I can take all my not knowing and just not think about it anymore....
if I can forget about being right...
if I can forget about....being...wrong...ugh...
if I can forget about working harder at it
or better yet
if I can forget about all of it every last bit of it and just hand it back to Papa...
I don't know if you know how happy this makes me.
I feel pretty sure that I understand how many people there are out there that can smile and nod and tell me "yes, honey...we know" as they crack open their holy scriptures and point to here and here and here..."we know".
that's not what I am talking about.
See, I thought about posting a thing on FB...
where I would just say "It's so EASY!"
and people would comment and there would be this discussion where I might try and explain what I meant and then they would cover me up with good words and exhortations
But I can't.
Cuz see...it just doesn't work like that.
You just have to know it. And I wish you did and hope you do.
This is so easy that it cannot be described it a devotional thought. Not in scripture. Not in quiet time or accountability not even in worship.
This is just.
(not just as in righteous but just as in nothing else...just)
And the more I think about it the more I feel the slants leaning in, pressing down, coming around to the side all sneaky like...
you gotta do
don't forget to
that's all well and good but
and then a list
But then I breath. And the breath I feel is sweet. It fills my lungs and my head swoons with the largeness of the thought. The sheer amount of oxygen it brings.
Jesus is so easy.
If you can forget all you ever knew. All you have ever been "taught".
And that is not a requirement. It is just what makes it easier for me.
I think it really is all the things that you don't have to do that makes it so giggly good.
You get to get in any position you want.
Quiet or loud.
Active or still.
Thinking or not.
You don't have to do a special thing. But you can if you want to.
See...nothing to finish that sentence.
And that's how easy it is.
For admissions sake I will say here that I am thinking of yokes. He talks about that.
But I am not putting that on you. You can take it up with Him if you want.
I realize how ambiguous I am being. And honestly I am not trying to. It is only that this is so big. So encompassing. It makes perfect sense and none at all.
(which I find to be true of most of the things of God)
I guess I am talking about freedom. I am talking about out of the box throw your hat in the air get out of jail free all your worldly debts paid off all expense paid trip to....wherever your heart desires.
And it requires nothing of you.
Which is not to say that you won't find yourself doing things...but because you get to...not cuz you have to.
Look, I have had my heart-fill of the cost of salvation. I have had the church and the deceiver make me aware of every cent paid for my soul. I have laid on the ground sullied and unworthy and squashed by the weight of all the things that needed doing.
All I wanted to do was love Him. But the weight of the to-do's was too much. I couldn't get up.
Right and wrong are very heavy. Dead weight.
They forgot to tell me that I didn't have to listen.
Good-GOD! (and I am not swearing when I say it)
I didn't have to listen? I didn't have to do? None of that was required of me to get Him?
If you hear me and this makes an ounce of sense please believe that I am as shocked as you are.
Because I had heard the words before but they always had a ps...
and now they don't.
no experience necessary.
no requirements at all.
As we finished our talking I felt myself saying
"isn't it so ironic that the biggest battle you will face in your freedom is the fight against requirements."
Tagging- not the thing where you slap the ninny outta the class nerd in a friendly playground game...not the artwork boldly scrawled upon the dumpster in the alley behind your house...
tagging....this thing where someone tells you things about themselves that you didn't even know you wanted to know...but strangely having known you now feel closer to them in an absurd yet quirky kinda fun way so why the heck not?!
I have been tagged.
I will now tell you strange things about myself and invite you to reciprocate except I get to ask the questions. I will not be tagging anyone (tho slapping the ninny outta a few people does hold it's charms) as I do not have eleven readers...or if I do they certainly don't speak up with any amount of dependability. (you know who you are)
So, without further ado....(spell check says ado...I thought it was adeau...)
Here are my 11 things...
(questions provided by Katrina over at http://notesonanapkin.wordpress.com/)
1. If you won a gift certificate good for a year’s service from either a maid or a private chef, which one would you choose?
-Maid. My slaves...er....children do a fine job. But they are only kids and they are easily distracted. Those dust bunnies in the corner may soon join forces and smother us in our sleep.
So I choose maid. It would be nice to have the house really clean on a regular basis. sigh.
That private chef thing is for the future because, for now, my incredibly talented daughter does all the cooking for the family. We eat like kings. When she decides she has had enough of this gig and if she does not train one of her siblings, I will be hiring a chef. I am so not kidding.
-One time in kindergarten I wiped a booger (or two) on the back of the dress of the princess that sat in front of me in childrens' church. I did not like how she looked at me. And I needed a place to put my booger(s). It was out of character because I knew good and well that it was very unhygienic for me to wipe my booger on her dress. I mean seriously, I didn't wash my hands afterward or anything.
-no. I am afraid to leave the country for fear of accidentally telling someone that their butt looks so pretty. (my spanish teacher told me to be careful how I say "dog" )
4. If someone gave you $500 on the condition that you somehow use it to help someone in need, how would you spend it?
-No Way Out. Kevin Costner
Wait...Children of the Corn. Still haunts me.
7. What’s your guilty pleasure?
-what is this word guilt?
-I love black eyed peas. Especially when they have a little spice to them. I have never eaten fugee. Is it like tofu?
-I cannot remember a time in my life when I had a choice between two or more roads. I guess I am blessed to have had a pretty clear direction in life. Now if we start talking about paths I would choose for other people...welllllll now...where should I begin.
-I would like to fly. But only if the superpower came with super eyes that did not dry out in the wind. And super teeth that were kinda teflon coated or something cuz bugs...ewwww.
I am just practical like that.
11. Do you have a weird body quirk? What is it?
-I have a lazy eye. Is that quirky?
Now that I have answered the questions given to me I shall commence with the asking...
(you might want to gather some supplies)
ready? here goes...
1. If you had to choose between mustard and ketchup which would you choose? Would your answer remain the same if I told you that you had to drink an entire bottle?
2. Besides Jesus, who would you pick to amputate your limb if it had to be done without anesthesia?
3. What three things would you take with you if you were going to be locked in a closet for 1 week? Elaborate please.
4. If you had to lose one of your senses, which would you choose?
5. Have you ever, as an adult, told a bald faced lie to keep yourself out of trouble? (please elaborate....please, please, please...but keep it clean) (you know who you are)
6. If you had the opportunity to go on one of those shows where you step back in time and live the life of pioneers, or servants, or war-time type folks...would you do it? without whining? or cheating?
7. Last desert on earth. (not the sandy kind...the yummy kind...did I spell it right?) Anyway...last one. Ever. Your favorite. Do you eat it all right now or save it and nibble a little at a time?
8. If you could describe your life in a country song, what would you title it?
9. If someone offered you one million dollars to eat a live roach would you do it? Would you eat 10 for 10 million?
10. The Monkeys or the Beatles?
11. Have you ever found yourself saying the exact thing that you swore you would never...ever...say? Did you laugh or grimace?
whew! That was so hard. Talk amongst ya-selves.
Now the rules say that I must tell you 11 things about myself.
1. I am addicted to angry birds. Or was until my children and husband got ahold of my game and now I can't remember which level I am on and they are seriously harshin my chill. irrggghhhhh!
2. When I get a new appliance/electronic toy and it has a plastic coating that you get to peel off to reveal a scratch free shiny surface I like to be the one to peel that plastic off. If someone else does it I may or may not have a hissy.
3. I would like to try to live the life of Laura Ingalls Wilder. Maybe not her whole life in real time. But a compressed timeline over a year or something. Something challenging.
4. I did not name one of my children until a week after he was born. Had to try some on to see what fit.
5. If you try to make me eat brussels sprouts I will probably clamp my lips shut and bite them closed. I had a bad experience, ok?!
6. I would love to know how to pick locks like Remington Steele.
7. I have a crazy fear of drowning on a cruise ship. Other boats don't really bother me. (Titanic was not really a good movie for me.) Strangely enough...I am somewhat mesmerized by the actual Titanic history and stuff.
8. When I was a child I always named my barbies names that could be mistaken for boys. This was so they could be working fixing a car or building a house and someone would mistake them for a guy and say like..."hey! they told me to find Bob so he could fix my carberator, know where I can find him?" And then the barbie would take her hat off and flick her hair and they would be all surprised. (I may or may not have watched a lot of Charlies Angels as a kid)
9. Sometimes I find my life stories have strange connections to tv shows from my childhood.I find it pitiful that while I may forget my kid's birthday, I remember Jan's party fiasco when she wore the big fro wig so she wouldn't be all "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!!"
10. I want to go to Hawaii and to Disneyland. Really. Badly. I can not emphasize this enough.
11. The Gambler is one of my favorite songs of all time. I know all the words. When the part comes "He turned back toward the window...and in his final words I found an ace that I could keep..." I feel myself tear up.
Well folks...that's it.
Jump in here and answer a few questions or comment on a few of mine.
"There'll be time enough for countin....when the dealin's done."
it is not messy
as can art so be
colors on a canvas
music throws a sound
inviting you to catch
a cat and mouse
a freeze tag game
amongst the shadows
of your heart and soul
there is no cleanup after music
it just comes and strikes your fancy
never leaving bits or stingy things
to wrap around your toes
tho often strands of notes
and you may well find
the sharpest corners of your
all wrapped up with lyrics
that refuse to leave
i like music
from the sit down dinner crooning
to the bottom wiggling
bob your head
where you think that no-one notices
your quiet participation
but they do
but you don't care at that point
I like how the thumping of a sound wave
can shove aside a funk
how a lullaby can drop an eye
so dreams can come
and I like how a song
can hit your wake up heart
and set a color tone
like wearing flowered glasses
making all the world
a cooler place
because your feet are dancing
I like music
cuz its cheaper
and it doesn't take supplies
and you always have it with you
I like music
and put on bright red socks
and fly away
to where the cuckoos play
although the ground
is full of rocks
who bounce upon the air
as if the breeze
were bouncy houses
all blown up to please
my sense of longing
the wait I feel
on days when life
comes first and dreams delay...
This isn't one of those days or I wouldn't be typing about it. On those days either I really can't function or I am in hyperfunction and I feel like a top in perpetual spin...not really going anywhere but major props for effort.
Today was a good day. A successful day.
I am in clean out mode. (not intestionally in case you wondered)
This cleanout is about stuff...too much stuff...in my house...in my life...stuff...
You might think this is about the new year and resolutions and junk.
no. I deny it.
I resist resolutions as they tend to irritate me worse than a wedgie in church.
This is about simplification. This is about order. This is about me being lazy and tired of cleaning up, over and around all the superfluous crappification that has taken up residence in my space.
It is a well known fact that if you have something then you have to maintain it. This goes for laundry, cars, tsotchkeys, relationships, money, houses, religion, yeah- everything.
So, my plan is to sell all my worldly goods, donate that money to the poor, grab a backpack and hit the street.
I am not even using this mental space to think about the spiritual ramifications of cleaning out. Tho I am sure some of that will happen. No, I am just talking about craft supplies, and books I won't read and toys that we don't like.
I gotta tell you, it is hard to let things go. At first.
I pick it up and look at it and hold it and think about it and put it down on my lap and pick up something else to look at and think about...repeat.
Until my lap gets too full of stuff and I have to make some decisions.
Throw away, give away, save.
Until you see that my throw away pile is miniscule. I am no hoarder. I throw junky stuff away.
shut up. I saved those random game pieces in case we ever do an art project.
I guess a lot of this stuff could be given away but then what will I do if I find that I need facepaint or a cross stitch kit or mostly blank journal? I will remember that I had one and that in a moment of passion I gave it away and it is no longer available to me!!!
The world might stop.
I might not want to risk that ok?
Save it is. Reorganize it so that it fits into a smaller space. Buy new containers to hold it in a dignified manner. Shelving?! Toughtotes? Oh. My. Goodness.
Somebody slap me.
It takes a day or three to come to my senses. I start small. I reorganized the christmas decorations. I just knew I could whittle down and get rid of at least one large box.
I am proud to say that I weeded out three unnecessary holiday accoutrements (but added at least two dozen).
Hey...we made a bunch of really cute hand made ornaments this year.
In the end I did manage to get the existing boxes closed and it only took a couple of hours of repacking. sigh.
Now I am working on the craft closet. It was going great until the offspring saw my give away pile. sigh again.
We have done more crafts today than we usually do all year.
See...it isn't that the stuff I have is bad. It is just that it largely goes unused. It takes up space not only in my closet but in my mind. All those elements of creativity whispering their encouragements.
Encouragements that are really nothing more than thinly veiled threats and accusations.
Yes, the secret is out...things that linger around undone too long develop voices and taunt me.
Like you never. Admit it...you know you hear it.
I avoid making to-do lists.
I prefer done-did lists.
This is where you write your list after. At the end of the day. When you are ready to cross things off immediately.
If you haven't tried it don't knock it.
A few done-did lists and you become a paragon of success.
So what did I done-did today?
I showered and brushed my teeth.
Made my bed.
Ate a nutritious lunch.
Sorted the craft closet.
Added to my give away pile.
Added to the trash pile.
Recognized that my closet was pretty organized before I even started.
Patted myself of the back.
Got a cramp as I realized how many more closets I have.