spirit on hold

Sometimes you have to put aside your spirit and function in a way that is only glorious if you look at it in the light of survival.

I wrote this one day...because I felt it. I actually don't know if it makes sense. Nor do I really care. My heart knows. Sometimes that is all ya get.

I think a human spirit is a precious gift from God. It is the thing that makes breathing worthwhile.
It is that defining thing inside ones self that makes you, you. Youfully you.
It is not potential. It is not character. It is not characteristics or attributes or facets. It is not even personality. In fact, I think it is especially not personality.
Spirit is not about how you do things, or why you do things. It goes beyond genetics and environment.
Spirit is essence.
Spirit is that part of you that needs no reason. You don't have to defend its position.
Spirit just is. If you let it.
Spirit is a living thing that can be fed and nurtured and crushed. We set it free. We protect it.
We also abuse it. Or worse, deny it.
Spirit ignored is purely tragic.

Ignoring your spirit causes lifelong problems. Like ulcers. ask me how I know.
I honestly believe that many/most autoimmune diseases are the result of ignoring your spirit. Notice that I did not say all.
Bash me if you must, but it is what I think so nyah. (stick out tongue here)

I mean really, if you have a disorder where your body is turning on itself in an attempt to eradicate an intruder, and that intruder is one or more of the necessary organs in your body, you might be suffering from spirit suppression. Your body is smart. It knows that there is some imposter running around in your undershorts trying to convince the world that they are you. So it begins to send out the white cells to do some battle.  
Ignoring who you really are is like declaring war on your own self. That is scary. And really not very smart.
I refuse to think that I am the only one doing such a stupid thing. Stupidity loves company. Admit it.

For me, ignoring my spirit starts with denying the fact that anything bothers me. I am a paragon of cool. Cucumber, baby.
At least this is what I show the world. This is the way that I survive. Not necessarily because my world is so big and bad, more like because I am big and bad and you must be protected from the viciousness of my spirit.
I have learned to ignore my spirit. Suppress it. Oppress it. Make it serve my will. My will being: protect the ones you love. Don't let it out. It could hurt someone. Ignore it and it will go away.

Being a person well versed in ignoring my spirit I feel like I can talk a little bit about how to do such a thing.
At the very least I can instruct you on how I go about it.
Take these instructions and reverse-psychologise them if you want to avoid some of my angst.

1. Pretend to not be bothered by things that are bothersome. Rise above it. Say to yourself that it doesn't matter. Tell yourself that it is not proper to be upset. Convince yourself that you are too mature to ...whatever. Look that bothersome booger in the face then duck your head and visualize it rolling off your back. quack.

 2. If you find that you are still bothered, whisper under your breath that this is none of your business. You can only change you. Keep your eyes on your own paper. This is not your problem.
Advanced users only...pray about it. (interpret that as you will)

3. When you discover that this is, in fact, your problem refer back to 1. Repeat.

I think that about covers it.

You have had your first lesson. That was super easy!
But what does that have to do with your spirit? I don't know. I don't know about your spirit...only mine. That is the way it works. So, if you are interested I will tell you more about what this has to do with my spirit.

I have spent my life so far structuring my responses to reflect my even keel and unflappable disposition.
The more I was bothered by something the more I would restrict, constrict, constrain myself to the "proper" outlook and reply. I didn't do it on purpose. I did it because I was trained to. (self trained mostly, I am sure)
I got so christian with it that if I found myself shakingly upset I could absolutely taste the spiritual battle in the room  and go after it full force without ever once realizing that it was my own knickers in a twist. Couldn't be me. I am way too easy going for that.
Now once in awhile the real me would surface. More like breaching actually. I would bust out with such vehemence that people would just blink at me. I would quickly realize my error and retreat in horror and self recrimination.
And here is another layer for you...my own vanity would rush to my aid, wiping the snot off my recrimination with a nice clean hanky of "you are better than that."  I was assured that my normal controlled self would soon reappear and that this "mistake" could be easily rectified. sigh.
Did you catch that? In the few times that the real me has shown up, the suppressive me has shushed and subdued my realness by assuring me that the oppressor could fix everything if only I would hush.
I don't like the sound of that on paper. I also don't like the way I sound like the devil. I am not the devil. No part of me is. I do not believe that I have a devil side and an angel side.
no.
But I do believe that I have participated in an elaborate ruse. A hoax structured to keep the authentic me quiet.
The hoax...I am too good to be mad. Mad is bad. Bothered is immature. Angry is out of control in a sinful way.
A lifetime of feeling regret because my heart knew that the bother was there...even if the brain would or could not admit it.
So my heart has felt deceitful and dirty and bad...when really it was passion in a spirit crying out for release.
My release.

I am going to think about this some more. I know I am on a journey. Not of navel gazing but of discovery. God has this. He keeps telling me in various ways.
Today I keep hearing...in your anger do not sin. There must be a reason He said that.

And getting back to that first statement...I am confused about the parts of life where you have to step aside from who you really are in order to survive.
Can you do that safely? Is it necessary sometimes or is survival just a cop-out? Is it just a dumb thing to say that has no meaning?
Still thinking...